I need to pretend to be normal.

I feel like all of my posts from now on should have this giant blinking glittery disclaimer saying ~*`MY HUSBAND IS DEAD`*~ or something. Maybe someone will make one. Ok, I guess that isn't really funny, but hey, whatever gets me through it.

So in this post, I'm going to pretend to be normal. Well, normal for me. I'm going to write about the last time I saw Steve. I won't be doing things in order, I would usually write about him coming home first, and what we did, and how much it sucked that I worked, and then our wedding, and all of that. But now I get to pull the grieving widow card and do whatever the hell I want.

Another disclaimer: the bluntness, and finding humor in not funny things is really the only thing that is helping, so don't think I'm insensitive.



Ok here goes. Steve left to fly back to Minot on Dec 18th. We just bought a car on Thursday, and I was still learning to drive a manual, so we asked his dad to take us to the airport. I was pissed off at the time, but now I'm thankful for that. We had a nice morning, and went and said goodbye to everyone. After a bit of a cuddle fest at home, his dad came and we left. Steve brought a bunch of candy and about 5 Arizona iced teas. I don't know why he needed that many, since he only drank one.

We got to Phoenix pretty early, so we went to Chipotle, which none of us had been to. I took a ton of pictures with Steve, just goofing around with my phone's settings. I even got a rad night vision version of him. :P

Once we got to the airport, we hung around by the security gate for a bit. I started crying a little bit and he teased me for it. He said, "It's ok, it's only a month until I'll see you again." He is the best at making things ok. He said goodbye to his dad and stem-mom, and they waited for me by the exit. We kissed, we hugged, said our I love you's and goodbyes, and he walked off to the security. As I was leaving he called me name and said he forgot something. He came back over to me and kissed me again and said he loved me.

It was the perfect goodbye.


And now the normal is over and I'm so sick of being around people. They bitch and complain about the stupidest things. If my brother complains about not being taken to his friends house again, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be awake.

Numb.

I have been numb up until now. I'm starting to feel things. It's starting to feel real. I am so scared.

Torn Apart.

I am heart broken. I feel like I have lost him twice. This whole thing is a shitstorm.


Before Steve and I were married, Steve had assigned his brother as his beneficiary/PAD. As we weren't married long, and it isn't something you typically think about, Steve never changed it. After we heard about his death, Scott signed his PAD rights over to me, giving me the ability to make choices about the funeral. I can't explain the way it feels to be able to honor a persons life.

Due to disagreements on how/where Steve would be laid to rest, his family talked Scott into removing those rights from me. I can't believe that is even something he could reverse.

No one told me. I got a call from the base in Minot informing me. No one had the balls to step up and tell me that they took my husband away from me. I have no say. His brother says that he will try to compromise between what everyone wants, but I'm not going to hold on to that.

I asked them if they really thought that Steve would have wanted that. I said that I'm the person that Steve chose to spend the rest of his life with. His dad said "No, he didn't, you were only married five days." I am so glad that Steve is not aware of what is happening. I am so thankful that he didn't hear those hurtful words. Yes, his parents and brother got 19 years with him. I wish I had that.

The thing that is holding me together is that I know without a doubt that Steve loved me more than anything in the world. I know what he would have wanted, and I will hold onto that. I will honor him in my own way, and they don't have to be part of it.


I shared an amazing love with an amazing man, and no one can take that from me. That is what gets me through the day.

Speechless.

I have no words to describe my feelings. Right now, all I can handle sharing is that what happened was an accident. It was a tragic accident that will affect so many people. Please keep me, my family, Steve's family, and all of his friends in your thoughts and prayers.


All I can think is that I am so grateful for the last week I had with Steve. I will definitely want to share that, but I'm just waiting for the storm to calm right now.

Air Force wife for life.

I don't have words right now. I married the love of my life, the perfect man, my soul mate December 15. It was the greatest day of my life. I said goodbye for a month at the airport on December 18.

Later Friday night, Steve was involved in an accident at the firing range and we lost him during surgery.


I don't know what to say or when I will have the strength to say more, but please keep me, my family, and Steve's family in your prayers. I really need it.

Blue shoes.

Ok, so for some reason I constantly feel awkward talking about "The Wedding", so I figured I would start out in a language I'm comfortable with- shoes. I love shoes. I want those shoes. Although how I've pictured my wedding has changed about a million times, I've always known I wanted some BAMF shoes. Bright, bold, and tall. Ok, I feel better.

Steve and I decided a few months ago that we wanted to get married when he comes home. I wanted to post about it so many times, but we took some time telling all of our family. It is going to be teeny, it is going to be 100% us, and it is going to be fun. There really isn't much traditional to the way we are doing things, which has given me weird looks from people I've told, but I know my fellow military girls will understand. People don't get why we are doing it on such short notice. People don't get why we didn't have some magical proposal. People don't get why I don't want some big extravagant thing with 200 people.

Breather. Here's another shoe.

So the rebellious part of me would love to wear shoes like those. Partly because I think they are awesome (ok, and partly trashy), and partly because I know it would give about half the people who come heart attacks. The metaphorical kind of course.

I honestly don't have a lot of details to share. Everything is just an idea right now because we can't set anything for sure until Steve buys his ticket to come home. Which he will be doing on Monday. Which I cannot believe.

Just Sayin' Part Two

No one guessed, but oh well.

Steve and I are getting married! In like.... a month. Yep.


Not really in a writing mood though, so I'll just leave it at that.

Wordless Wednesday.

Just sayin...

I failed on day 5, but I was sick. [Days 5 and 6]

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to. And a truth- something you hope to do in your life.

The one thing I most want to do in my life is be a mom. :)


Day 06- Favorite super hero and why. And a truth- something you hope you never have to do.
I don't have a favorite super hero. I never really was into them too much. I guess Spider Man is pretty cool though.

I hope I never have to deal with major illnesses, in me or my family. I can't imagine that being easy at all.

So tired.

Today sucks and I don't feel good. It's 2:45 and I just woke up.

My laundry attacked my bedroom [Day Four]

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have. And a truth- something you have to forgive someone for.  


Even though I like having a clean house, and when I do clean, I REALLY clean, I'm pretty messy sometimes. One shirt left on the floor after work turns into a giant mess. I would change that. I guess there are probably more important things I could care about, but right now the mess in my room is stressing me out.


As far as something I have to forgive someone for... I can't really think of anything. I'm pretty good at letting things go. I forgive the people I love, and other people I don't care about enough to hold on to things.


Oh, except maybe I could forgive the asshole that I work with. Maybe next week though.

Can't Follow the Rules [Day Three]

Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends. And a truth- Something you have to forgive yourself for. 




I'm really bad at following directions, so instead I chose a picture from over two years ago. I just got my computer working again, so now I have access to all of my old pictures, and I found this one and it made me smile. This is me, Steve, and Lauren graduation night. This was a happy night. 

It's pretty hard to think of something I need to forgive myself for. I'm pretty good at letting things go, at least when it comes to things I do. I don't really regret much. I don't really think I can pick something. I'm pretty at peace with things I've done in my life. This seems like a bullshit answer, but I really can't think of anything. I am aware that this could be denial though. Just sayin'.

I love... [Day Two]

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name. And a truth: something you love about yourself.


When I first started my blog, it was Cosmetology School and Combat Boots. Well, I graduated school, and lost part of my name. Cosmetology and Combat Boots is pretty self explanatory. I'm a hair stylist and in love with a dude in the air force. Right now, the cosmetology part isn't in my life much. I can't find a job doing hair. It blows.




Anyway, something I love about myself is my ability to change. Being with a guy in the military really helped with this one, and really requires me to be this way too. I don't really look at anything as set in stone anymore. Everything is pretty temporary, and I'm ok with that. Steve tells me he's coming home an month later? Ok, no problem. I work at a shitty job trying to talk people into buying cellphones? No big. Not forever.






Also, to make up for my shitty picture in the last post, here's one from this weekend.

Challenging Myself [Day One]

As I no longer have time to think for myself and I'm a failure of a blogger, I'm going to do the 30 days of me. Actually, I found two versions and I'm doing both.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.  And a truth- something you hate about yourself.

Well, I sat here for about 20 minutes trying to get a decent picture of myself, and it didn't work out. I'm tired as hell, and it shows. Oh, does it show. Also, my nose needs to go away for awhile. So you get this picture, from July. I've posted it before but it makes me happy. I was being the light-tester-model for a friend's photo shoot.

1. I've colored my hair since I was in 4th grade. I've tried out all types of colors, but I think dark brown suits me the most.

2. I went to cosmetology school, where we learn that you color your hair, and dye Easter eggs. You tweeze your eyebrows and pluck a chicken.

3. I am currently living with my sister and her husband. Plus their two dogs. The dogs own the house.

4. I really love tacos. Yum.

5. I always thought I would be the first of my friends from high school to move away, and now I'm one of the only ones left.

6. I work at a kiosk in a store selling cellphones, and I have zero problem saying I don't know an answer. Which happens a lot. I am good at finding out the answer though.

7. I am a TV junkie. I love 'my shows' and I love finding new shows. I'm currently getting into Nip/Tuck.

8. I really enjoy exercise, but I have almost zero motivation. Once I get myself doing it though, I crave it.

9. I really don't enjoy making lists like this. I feel like I don't even know myself when I freeze at number nine.

10. I took French in 6th and 7th grade, and then again in high school. Most of it didn't stick, but I'm still in love with it.

11. I am just like my mother. We say the same things at the same times, we laugh the same, we find the same things funny, and we both have tempers. 

12. I'm 5'2" and I like being short. 

13. I used to want to be a teacher. I can't even imagine that now. I'm horrible at teaching people things. I am a fast learner and I get frustrated when people don't catch on quickly.

14. I love nail polish.

15. I cry when I get angry. It's so frustrating.

And for the 2nd part...

I think writing about something I hate about myself is an odd, yet honest way to start off. So here we go. I could say something about my too-big nose, or my ridiculous laughs, or the way I can't seem to keep my room clean. Sometimes those are all true, but I'm going to go balls out on this one. I hate my depression. It bleeds into every other part of my life. When it comes in, I can't stop it and I can't make it go away. I can feel it coming on like a cold or something.

Anyway, that's what I hate about myself. I have learned to live with it though. 

Going backwards to go forward.

 I'm sure my title makes little to no sense. That might be because it is 4:45am and I haven't gone to bed yet. As I've mentioned, I recently moved. Yes, at 20 years old, I just now moved out of my parents' house. And yes, I made the huge leap, and am now living with my sister and her husband.

I'm refinishing a bunch of stuff to pull together my room. I'll do a post on that later, once I actually finish a project. In the midst of all this moving, I've been making multiple trips trying to get all of my things from my parents' house. I finally found a few boxes I was looking for, which had a lot of the stuff I saved from my childhood.


When I got to the box with old toys, I was surprised that I remembered all of it. The first picture shows some of my baby doll clothes. I loved dolls. Everything in the first picture is special though, because my grandma made it. The big blanket on the bottom matches the diaper bag. She also made matching outfits for me! My sister always got similar items, but usually in different colors. My grandma is BA. (If you don't know Caitlin-speak, that means badass. Don't tell her I said that though. I don't say stuff like that in front of her.)

And then I found some of my Barbie clothes. There was a gallon sized ziploc bag stuffed full of clothes. The sad thing is, I know I have a ton more somewhere else, in addition to a bunch more Barbies. As you can see, Rex didn't really know what to thing. Maybe it was the butchered 80's style bangs my sister or I gave the doll.

Bonus shot: one of many mermaid outfits we had. I have no idea why we had so many. Also! Multiple gymnastics outfits.

Some things I didn't see- My scuba diving Barbie, my sleeping Barbie, whose eyes 'closed' with warm (or cold?) water, my Ken who grows a beard with warm water, and "shaves" with cold water, my Barbie salon furniture, my stove, and OH MY GOODNESS the memories are flying back. I had way too much stuff.

I even had a 'candy shop' that molded Bubble Yum into different shapes. Oy.

Bonus story time... I had a Pocahontas Barbie that came with a bunch of accessories, including a fish. I cooked that fish over a lamp. That went well. Really.

Metal and Monochrome.

*First off this is my 3452345234 time trying to do this post because my phone sucks.*


I realized as I was getting dressed the other day, that I wear a lot of jewelry and a lot of monochromatic colors. The jewelry in the picture is all of my 'basics', and I I usually add on a necklace, bracelet, maybe a ring and some different earrings. My wardrobe consists of mainly black, gray, and some white. My go to outfit is jeans and a black shirt. If I'm going to work, I wear black or gray pants. Exciting, right? But it's me.


So there you go. Something else about me.

Disclaimer- This post is useless.

I don't have time for my normal stuff anymore. Cooking, watching tv, scrap booking. I either am working or attempting to wind down.

Such as right now. I got off work at 8:30ish, and after finally filling my gas tank, I got home around 9. My normal thing to do is watch TV and mess around on the internet. Specifically watch Bones on Netflix and check my Google Reader. I want to blog. I do. I need to get my thoughts out. I love having my life recorded on here. I just can't get my brain in the right mode. This is as close as it gets.

What cooking does for me.

Please don't judge me for my cellphone picture. ;)

I love cooking. I love baking. I just love being in the kitchen. I love putting all the steps together, and coming up with something delicious. Cooking is therapeutic for me. It makes me feel calm and happy.

So, I think I'm going to start posting more food. Recipes I've made, all that stuff. Maybe eventually I'll start a separate blog just for food. We'll see.



And to start off, I made taco salad tonight. It was the best taco salad I'd ever had. So I guess I'll put the recipe here, even though I sort of winged everything. I'll make it for two people, since I made enough to have it for lunch tomorrow, aside from the shell.

Shells:
2 flour torillas
cooking spray or olive oil

Taco filling:
1/2 lb ground turkey
1 cup rice, cooked
1 can of black beans
1 T cumin
salt and pepper

Salad:
Romain lettuce
1 avocado
1/2 cup shredded cheese
Salsa
Optional, dressing

Heat oven to 400. Slightly warm the tortillas in the microwave, about 10 seconds. Turn two ramekins upside down on a baking sheet, and spray with cooking spray. Lay tortillas over ramekins and spray the top. Bake for about 10 minutes or until brown.

Brown turkey. Add garlic, cook another 2-3 minutes. Mix in rice, beans, and seasoning. Set aside. If you are going to be using dressing, toss that with lettuce, and add to taco bowls. I used a little bit of a garlic dressing. Top lettuce with meat mixture, and add whatever toppings you'd like.

So good.

Employment

So. I'm now employed. I think it is terrible that I already know I won't like it. I've worked 4 days. That's it. It's sort of nice having something to do. It's nice having somewhere to go. I don't mind how tired I am. I just hate retail. It rots my brain. I'm a hair stylist, not a retail slave. That sounds so arrogant. I'm lucky to have a job, but I guess in a way I feel like I deserve more.

I don't want to go into specifics on where I work, but I work in a store (duh) at a booth where we sell cell phones. Nothing too bad, I don't really mind it. The part that I don't like is that it isn't doing hair. I spent a year of my life going to school and working my ass off to be good at hair, so I could get licensed to do hair, so I could get a job doing hair. It got me nowhere.

The only salon jobs out here are booth rental which totally sucks. I can't afford to pay rent to work right now. On top of that I would have to pay for all of my product and equipment. I also have a teensy clientèle since I'm just out of school.

Part of me is scared that I'll forget. Practice makes perfect, and the more I was doing hair the better and faster I was. I don't want to have to start all over. Also, who wants to hire someone who doesn't have a job for 6 months after they graduate school, and then that job is selling phones? Really?

I feel like I've failed. Steve is the only person I can talk to about it, and he doesn't get it. I mean, he understands the concept of why I feel bad, but he thinks the fact that I have any job at all is great. Which it is, don't get me wrong. I'm really glad I was able to find a job when there are so few here. I enjoy money. Really.

How can I not feel bad though? All through cosmo school, and even after, people kept telling me how they just KNEW I would do good. They knew I would be successful. How can I do that when I can't even get a job? I honestly don't think I'll get a job as a stylist until I move out somewhere else.

I have newses! Yes, newses.

I am a terrible blogger. I've admitted it in the past, and I'll admit it now. I suck.

I actually have a pretty good excuse this time! I moved. I didn't move very far, but I did in fact move. I probably lived with my parents longer than any of my friends. Hell, Steve moved out when he was 16. Anyway, I'm 20, and I'm now out of my parents home.

This might sound weird, but let me tell you something. I would probably be fine if I lived with my parents until I moved with Steve. However, I have some things I want. I want to know that I can take care of myself. I want to be able to live on my own before I spend the rest of my life living with someone. Ok, so I didn't make a huge leap right away. I moved in with my sister and her husband. I'm taking baby steps though. I'm hoping to be in my own place by the end of the year.


I WILL be buying a new charger for my laptop next week, so I really hope to get back into the swing of blogging.

And just for a bonus, here's two of my new roomies.

Let's talk Steven.

So I just realized, I haven't talked about Steve much lately. Usually I can't shut up about the guy.

Well, first let's talk about what he's been up to. He went TDY to Guam at the beginning of June. From what I've always heard was that those last weeks, or maybe a month or two. Wellll, Steve will be there until November. The way he explained it to me was that he will most likely be there 179 days, because at 180 days it is considered a tour of duty. He said he probably wouldn't leave any earlier, because they want him there the max time. He also said that even if he did go over the 179 days, they could say "Hey, jk, no TOD, but here's a pin."

Oh how I love the Air Force.

So right now, I'll most likely see Steve in less than 100 days. I'll get to see him after not seeing him for over a year. I am so excited.

And then it'll all go away, because he'll be leaving for Korea for a year. I keep begging him to just let me go with him, and we'll do the two year thing. For some reason he thinks that's a bad idea. Heh.

So back to Guam. Steve was excited to travel. That was a big part of why he wanted to be in the AF.

Here's something about Steve. He changes his mind more than anyone I know. He always likes something different, wants something different, is going to do something different. Sometimes I joke that I'm the only thing he's liked for a significant amount of time. So, because of his mind changing, he decided he's tired of being on an island. He hates palm trees. He doesn't like the beach. He misses North Dakota.

I had to remind him that he had a long list of reasons why he hated North Dakota, and how he said he would never go back. Hmmm.

In the kitchen.

I've been cooking a lot lately. There is something so therapeutic about it for me. It calms me. It's comforting. It keeps my mind off of everything else.

Mostly what I love is baking. I love to bake. Cookies, cakes, brownies, bread- anything really. It's funny, a big part of what I like about cooking is the order of it. You have to do the steps right. You have to measure right. Strangely though, another thing I like about it is tweaking the recipe. It is very common for me to change something. For example, last night I made zucchini muffins, but instead of cinnamon, I used cocoa powder, and then drizzled chocolate on top. Not a huge change, but it made it mine.

I guess that says a lot about how I am about most things. I tend to change things in some way that fits me more. I'd rather change other things than change myself. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. But it's me.

Finally.

I think things are finally pulling together. My birthday was yesterday, so I guess that gave me some luck.


Nothing is set in stone, so I don't want to talk about it quite yet, but here's a few teasers...


I'll probably be moving out soon. The money thing isn't sucking as bad right now. Basically things are looking up.



I'm sorry for the lamest post ever.

Dun...dun dun dun.. duuuun [My sad attempt at suspense music}

So, I haven't written about this because I don't want to jinx it by getting too excited, but I'm way past that. I had a job interview at a salon a few weeks ago, and then a technical interview (where they watch me do haircuts) a week ago today. It all sounded really good, they said they liked me, blah blah blah.

So I basically thought I was set. The lady told me to expect a call by Thursday to hear if I got the job or not. Last Thursday. So here it is, almost a week later. I've been calling every other day or so to talk to the manager I interviewed with, and she hasn't been there. I don't know if that is BS or what, but today I finally asked when she would be in. She's supposed to be there tomorrow 8-2 (which I think, legally, they weren't supposed to tell me. Woops). I'll be calling tomorrow. If she 'isn't there' I'll just assume that she's blowing me off. I've left a few messages with my name asking her to call me back. If after that she doesn't call me, and if she 'isn't there' when I was told she would be, I think I'll have to give up.

This is so frustrating. I seriously thought I had this job. Why am I so unemployable?

So please keep me in your thoughts. I need a job so badly.

Pause.

I don't really have much to say. Ok, that isn't true, but I can't right now. Someday, but not today.

What's new with me?


-Still waiting to hear back about a job.
-About 3 1/2 months until Steve comes home.
-It's my birthday next week!
-I keep burning my hands when I cook. Ouch.

I so badly want to write more, but I just don't have anything to say! My life is at such a standstill right now. I mostly just hang out around the house, or go to the library to use the internet. My car had some issues, but that isn't anything big.

How can I blog, and keep track of my life, when there isn't anything to keep track of? Frustrating, but I'm working on it.

I'm a supermodel, BTW.

This is me as a supermodel. Ok, so I wasn't really modeling, I was just standing there so the photog could set her camera settings, but I think I did a damn good job. :D

Anyway, here are a few more pictures of the actual model. :) I did the hair and makeup, and I also rigged a backround sheet into a dress.

Photoshoot 7/16

Some people are still learning how to act in public.

Like I've said before, we don't have internet at home right now. Because of that, I've been going to the library a lot. Here are some rules that you should know before you go to the library. I thought they were givens, but apparently not.

1. You really don't need to SMASH the freaking keyboard to type. I promise the buttons work just as well when you just push on them.
2. It was very nice of you to put your cellphone on vibrate. But if you're going to be texting someone, which results in the phone vibrating every 2 minutes, keep it in your lap. If you can't handle that, at least pick it up after the first vibrate, not after a full minute of it vibrating. If I can hear it, but you can't, maybe you SHOULD keep it in your lap.
3. The concept of headphones is so you can listen to music, but other people can't hear it. This doesn't work if you turn the music up as loud as it will go. Really.
4. Get a freaking kleenex.

Hi, my name is Caitlin, and I am a blog-slacker. Theses are from a bit ago, around Father's Day. We went up to Slide Rock. It's this place where the river runs over all this super smooth rock, and it has what are basically natural water slide. Anyway, here are the pictures from that!

Fourth of July [Rodeo Style]

Please excuse me for my week late post.

So, every year our town has a rodeo over the 4th of July week. We usually get tickets through my dad's work. This year we got box seats, and they were right in the middle, it was pretty cool. So we spent the afternoon on Sunday at the rodeo, where I ate way to much fair-food. So good. After the rodeo we headed over to the park where they do the fireworks. I love fireworks. We forgot the camera in the car, so I don't have anything from that, but it was fun.