One month down, finally starting to move forward.

I would just like to first point out that I still don't have constant access to a computer, so I'm blaming my lack of posting on that.

I'm actually on more of an upswing right now. Things were down, and they were very down. I'm sort of attempting a lifestyle change right now. I figure that once I get myself a certain way on the outside*, maybe it will cross over to the inside.

*While this does include things like losing weight and actually doing my hair every day, I mean it in more of a "people see me as happy and put together and focused and whatnot" sort of way.

So anyhoozle. I seriously think my brain only gets so much focused writing time in a week. I've been emailing Steve so much lately that I can't really think of anything when I finally get around to blogging.

I'm looking for a different job, the last one didn't work out. Basically I have no clients.

I've been playing softball on the company team where my sister works.

I decided I'm going to be a runnner. I'm about 2 miles into it, but I also just started two days ago.

Since I've been paying attention to my eating and being more active, I've lost 2 pounds.

I miss Steve.

He's been in Guam a month and I'm sick of it. About five more months to go though. Blegh.

Boo.

I'm job hunting again. The other one didn't work out. Oh well. On the upside, I did hair for a few photo shoots. Lots of fun, wish I could do it all day every day.

CTRL V

To sum up how I've been feeling lately- I'm pretty sure I need to get back on meds for my depression. Oh goody.  That said, I can't organize my thoughts very well, so instead I'm just going to copy/paste an email I sent Steve.

Hey babe.
You said you would call me today, but you didn't. So it's 2 in the morning and I'm still up, just waiting.




I hate waiting.



I've been trying to be positive about everything, but sometimes I lose my grip on that. I feel like I'm an after thought again. I'm barely getting emails from you, and you haven't called me. I haven't heard your voice for 16 days. I hate that. I'm glad that you're seeing places and all that, but sometimes I wish you didn't like it as much. I know that sounds mean, but it's a lot harder for me, because I'm the one still stuck here while you're getting everything you want.


Ugh. I hate to be so negative, but I can't really keep the fake front on all the time. I want to badly to always be happy about everything, so you don't feel bad or anything, but I can't. I don't like this at all. I'm sick of it. I don't want another year and a half without you. And then who knows how much more time through our lives.


I won't ever have enough time and I hate that.


I love you. I can't wait for this to be over. (I'm not sure if I mean you being in Guam, or us not living together, or you being in the AF. I'm not sure.)

 Steve is the most understanding when it comes to my screwy feelings. He'll listen so patiently while I struggle to explain how I feel, even if I have a hard time figuring out the right words, or if he has to hear it through my tears. He doesn't read into things, he takes it as it is. I love that about him. Even with that though, it is so hard for me to talk to him, or any one, about how I feel about him being in the military. It isn't an all the time feeling. I do so good, and I get to proud of myself for being strong, and then it hits me so hard.


I am so proud of Steve for what he does. This isn't about that. It's about the part I wish I could give up, the part that wonders 'what if'. That said, it is so hard for me to say.

I hate to tell him sometimes. There are times when I feel like he is so selfish. I can't stand to feel that way, because I know it doesn't make sense. The only kind of person who could understand this feeling, I'm sure, is someone who has been through it. I'm giving up a lot, I'm postponing so much, I'm leaving people and things I love. I'm in a business that depends on having a steady clientele, and I won't have the security of staying in one place. I will have to start over whenever 'they' decide it is necessary. I have, and will continue to, spend time away from the man I love. I will have to accept that that Air Force comes first. I don't know if I'll get to have a wedding, or have it where I want it. I won't live near my mom when I am pregnant. I can't say for sure if Steve and/or my family will be there when I give birth.


There are so many things, and some of them matter more, some just a little. They sure add up though. They are things that one or two wouldn't be too bad, but sometimes I just want the things that most people expect.

Most times, most days, I can live with it. I've said it before- I would never ask him to do anything else. Sometimes I wonder why he can't be the one to choose something else. I'm giving up so much to be with him, so he can live his dream. Why can't he choose me?


I think overall, I'm afraid of time. I want my time with Steve. I don't want to go through this and feel like I didn't get enough. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for something the times that I'm with him.



Honestly, I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like I'm asking for sympathy. I don't want it. I'm doing this, I'm aware of how much it might suck. I know how it feels to be without him. I just not strong enough to keep the bad stuff inside though. I try so hard, because no one here understands, even if they try. Steve gets it, for the most part. I'm always worried that instead he'll hear, "I resent you for doing this and it isn't worth it." That's not it at all. I'm just not good enough at this to be ok with it all of the time.

I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

I'm ignoring my blog on purpose.

I'm still alive and well. But I feel like crap and don't want to talk about it. I've been emailing with a fellow blogger, but I don't really want to publicly talk about my feelings right now.

So, I've still been reading everyone, haven't really been commenting. I'll be back in a few days, I'm sure.

As usual, I've calmed down.

Ok. I knew that I needed a few days to breathe before I logically explained this. We're going bullet points, because I like it that way.

• Steve is in Guam until November. As much as I miss him, this is really cool. He loves it there already. He hasn't gotten into a set shift yet, so we haven't figured out times to talk. This is the longest we've gone without talking since BMT. I haven't talked to him since the 1st. We've emailed and Facebook'd, which is good. I'm waiting to see pictures, which I might post on here.Anyway, I'm not staying on point.
• After Steve leaves Guam, he'll go back to Minot until December. So he has about a month off. I'm definately hoping to go up there, and I'll be there as long as we can afford. We don't know if he can come here, but if he can that would be really cool. It's always nice having him here, because we can just hang out at the house all day and he can see his family and friends and all that.
• So mid-December, he'll go to Korea and be there for a year. I have no idea if he'll get time off or get to visit, or if I can go there, I really don't know. Again, this is good because he gets to travel and because that's a year longer of saving money that we get before I move wherever.
• Also, I probably will never have to live in Minot (bonus!).
• I'm not fully trusting this, because everytime I get my hopes up things change. BUT, they are telling Steve he gets to pick his next station after Korea. We're either thinking Colorado, Phoenix, or Tucson, because that will keep us around family, or going all out for Hawaii. He said something about Japan, but I'm choosing to ignore him about that. Well, it might be cool, but I'm pretty down with the US for now.
• I'm trying REALLY hard to keep looking at the good sides of this. I'm learning it from Steve, because he has the ability to find the good in everything. Funny thing, he'll complain about stuff when it just affects him, but if it affects me, he makes it seem better. :P
• I know I can do this, because I read so many blogs of other military spouses/significant others/etc that make it through long times apart. It's just so hard! I'm not worried that I can't handle it, I'm not worried that we won't last through it, I just would rather not. Duh. :)

So I'm at the library with 18 minutes left on the computer, and I REALLY have to pee, so I can't really focus on this post anymore. Next time I update, I'll try to get pictures up from when my aunt and cousins were here. It involves jumping off of cliffs and whatnot.

Warning: The only words I can think of are curse words.

So Steve is in Guam until December (as far as I know).


Then in December he's going to fucking Korea for a year. I hate the fucking Air Force right now. I'm going to lose my mind I swear.



*** Also, I'll have to add to this post or have a new one when I calm down that isn't swearing and angry bursts.

I hate you Guam.

I have stuff to talk about. Things with work, things with family, etc.

It's too hard for me to think about that right now, I'm sort of avoiding thinking about anything if I can. I've been avoiding blogging because I know I'll end up talking about Steve. I'm just writing this to stay updated.



Ugh. I don't want to process my feelings right now. Steve is in Guam for the next six months. He got there on Monday and I haven't heard from him since. I don't like that I can't talk to him. He shut his phone off since it would cost us so much to call that distance. I hate that I can't call or text him whenever I want to. I just want my boyfriend.