I've having some doubts about my blog. There are a lot of things I LOVE about blogging. The main one is the mil-spouse community. It's nice having people who can relate to your problems.
The part that bugs me is that anyone can read it. Maybe I'll change it to being more private. I have that Google thing, where you can see how many people look at your blog on a daily basis. At first, it is pretty cool seeing how many people are reading what you talk about.
Right now though, it is tough. I'm putting out the most raw, honest, scary feelings that I have, and 38 people looked at it today. And a few from where I live, and where family lives. I don't know most of these people, and I'm sharing a lot with them. And then there are people who I DO know, or at least they know who I am, and they are silently reading.
I'm not sure if I can keep this, which sucks, because it really helps me work out my feelings.
*I do realize that all of this is part of blogging. Obviously, if you put things out there on the internet, people will find it. But that is part of my dilemma.
**EDIT**
Ok, so I have calmed down a bit since I wrote this. I thought about taking it down, but then I got pissed that I would have to censor myself, so I'm keeping it on here.
As of now, I'm keeping my blog, but I'm not going to be as completely open with everything. Maybe I will start a different blog for that, or do it on a different website. I definitely like being about to put my feelings out there, and it helps me feel better. I just might have to do it more anonymously.
Showing posts with label my crazies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my crazies. Show all posts
January 3, 2011
May 18, 2010
Holding Back.
I've been avoiding writing a real post, and I'm still not going to. I'm keeping my feelings in right now because I don't even know where to start. I have to start figuring out how to deal with them first.
I am hurt, angry, and sad. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.
I don't talk to anyone about it because no one here knows what it is like. They all act like it's so easy and I need to just get on with life. Like this isn't something that I have to deal with daily. The most they've had to be away from the people they love is a month or so.
A big part of why I blog is because it's a way of communicating with people that are doing the same thing as me. Sometimes that isn't enough though.
Really, the only thing that will make me feel better right now is seeing Steve. And they won't happen until October. That's more than a year without seeing him, and it isn't even like he's deployed. It's called being really freaking poor.
I've been off my medicine since about last October, and I like it. I feel everything. I've been ok with feeling the bad things too, and the anxiety. But now I want to be on it again. It sort of helps dull things. Oh wait, that would require having money. Hmmm..
So much for not tlaking about things. Really, though, it's just the tip of the iceburg. But it helps to write. I just can't let it all out at once, because then I have to think about it.
I am hurt, angry, and sad. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.
I don't talk to anyone about it because no one here knows what it is like. They all act like it's so easy and I need to just get on with life. Like this isn't something that I have to deal with daily. The most they've had to be away from the people they love is a month or so.
A big part of why I blog is because it's a way of communicating with people that are doing the same thing as me. Sometimes that isn't enough though.
Really, the only thing that will make me feel better right now is seeing Steve. And they won't happen until October. That's more than a year without seeing him, and it isn't even like he's deployed. It's called being really freaking poor.
I've been off my medicine since about last October, and I like it. I feel everything. I've been ok with feeling the bad things too, and the anxiety. But now I want to be on it again. It sort of helps dull things. Oh wait, that would require having money. Hmmm..
So much for not tlaking about things. Really, though, it's just the tip of the iceburg. But it helps to write. I just can't let it all out at once, because then I have to think about it.
April 4, 2010
Changes
I've hit pretty damn low in my depression. I wouldn't say rock bottom, but I'm well on my way.
There's a lot of changed that are going to have to happen in my life. Things I do, things other people do, I just need to do what it takes to take care of me. It's hard for me to do, but I really need to put myself first sometimes.
I'm still organising my thoughts, so this isn't going to have too much detail, but I'm sure I'll have quite a few venting posts in the next few days. I've been ignoring my blog, because there are just some things I need to talk about, but that would take admitting them to myself. So... here's my start.
There's a lot of changed that are going to have to happen in my life. Things I do, things other people do, I just need to do what it takes to take care of me. It's hard for me to do, but I really need to put myself first sometimes.
I'm still organising my thoughts, so this isn't going to have too much detail, but I'm sure I'll have quite a few venting posts in the next few days. I've been ignoring my blog, because there are just some things I need to talk about, but that would take admitting them to myself. So... here's my start.
March 21, 2010
Making things right since she gave me my dream-guy...
I have this friend, Lauren.
Hi, Lauren.
Anyway, I have a lot to thank Lauren for in my life. For example, she helped get Steve and I together. We went on double dates a lot. She was there when Steve and I were broken up. I'm pretty sure she was behind him going to our grad night party (that's where "we" started to be "we" again). She was always there for me to vent about school, Steve, family, anything. She went with me the day Steve left for bootcamp.
Ok, so those are all important things in a friend, but today she did something that pertains to this blog. I've been bouncing back and forth in my mind deciding how much to censor myself on my blog. I don't in 'real' life, I'm basically an open book, but I'm always convinced that my mom or someone I know will read it.
Today (ok, tonight, since its 2:30 am- wait, is that this morning then?), she told me I should write whatever I want. So starting now, I'm going to do that. I sort of started, with my post about my anxiety. But now I'm going to be open. I'll probably swear here or there, I'll talk about sex if I feel like it. I'll complain about whoever I want, even if they might be reading this blog. I'm not going to be mean, or put people down, or disrespect someone's privacy I won't be dropping f-bombs every other word, or going into graphic detail, but I won't hold back from saying things like "Holy shit, I miss sleeping with my boyfriend." Oh my... that was refreshing.
I'm just to the point where I need to write about everything, and if it is something I'll talk about, why shouldn't I be able to post it on the internet where people I've never met might read it?
So again, thanks Lauren. Oh, and if you don't want to read a completely open, un-shy, every topic is discussed blog... blame her.
Hi, Lauren.
Anyway, I have a lot to thank Lauren for in my life. For example, she helped get Steve and I together. We went on double dates a lot. She was there when Steve and I were broken up. I'm pretty sure she was behind him going to our grad night party (that's where "we" started to be "we" again). She was always there for me to vent about school, Steve, family, anything. She went with me the day Steve left for bootcamp.
Ok, so those are all important things in a friend, but today she did something that pertains to this blog. I've been bouncing back and forth in my mind deciding how much to censor myself on my blog. I don't in 'real' life, I'm basically an open book, but I'm always convinced that my mom or someone I know will read it.
Today (ok, tonight, since its 2:30 am- wait, is that this morning then?), she told me I should write whatever I want. So starting now, I'm going to do that. I sort of started, with my post about my anxiety. But now I'm going to be open. I'll probably swear here or there, I'll talk about sex if I feel like it. I'll complain about whoever I want, even if they might be reading this blog. I'm not going to be mean, or put people down, or disrespect someone's privacy I won't be dropping f-bombs every other word, or going into graphic detail, but I won't hold back from saying things like "Holy shit, I miss sleeping with my boyfriend." Oh my... that was refreshing.
I'm just to the point where I need to write about everything, and if it is something I'll talk about, why shouldn't I be able to post it on the internet where people I've never met might read it?
So again, thanks Lauren. Oh, and if you don't want to read a completely open, un-shy, every topic is discussed blog... blame her.
I just have to get over Steve's mom finding this and reading something about sex. Oh jeez.
March 14, 2010
My world crumples in.
So I figured I would finally sit down and write about my anxiety and depression. That’s basically the reason I haven’t posted anything for a few days, so why not use it to get me started again?
I’ve only been aware of it for a few years, but I’ve always had anxiety. Even when I was little, I would get bad stomach aches before softball games or anything else that made me nervous. It got worse in high school. I felt sick every morning. If I had a class where I couldn’t leave, that was horrible. I felt trapped, and it always ended up with me having a stomach ache or feeling nauseated. I never thought much about it, I just thought I had a weird stomach issue. I took Pepto Bismol pills almost daily, and I swear, I’ll never take one again. It got better after my freshman year, but I never really knew when to expect it.
It still affects me similarly. If I’m in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, I feel sick. Taking long car trips makes me sick, especially if I’m not driving. I don’t like going places with people I’m not comfortable with. I don’t like not having access to a bathroom.
I eventually got a hang of things, and knew how to make it easier, and what situations to avoid. After high school, I signed up for classes at our community college, things were good, I felt ‘normal’ again. Then one day, I was reading an article in my sociology book about young people getting married and having babies, and all of a sudden I felt like crying, I thought I was having a heart attack, all kinds of fun things. I left class, and it turns out that I had a panic attack.
Anyway, after going to the doctor, a lot of talking about it, a lot of crying, now I’m on medicine that is anti-anxiety and also an anti-depressant.
Looking back, it really shows me how so many problems I had were actually symptoms of my anxiety and depression. In the past year, it has gotten worse, and the depression part has really come out.
There’s a lot more to it, but it’s hard for me to let it all out at once. I just had to talk about this because it has been affecting me so much lately. Like, I spend hours convincing myself that Steve doesn’t love me, or that I’ll never make it in the hair industry.
Every time I go to the doctor, he has to re-convince me that it isn’t my fault. I know that it is a chemical imbalance, but I still feel like this is something that I need to control. And sometimes it’s easy. Lately, I can’t handle it though.
Anyway, I decided to include some bits and pieces from WebMD, so here ya go. First off, are some symptoms, which I have all of them. I think a lot of people don’t connect the physical symptoms to depression, myself included. I guess I'm including it because things like this help me understand myself more. So maybe if there are people out there that need a little reassurance, I hope I can help.
I took my info from here
• Headaches.
• Back pain.
• Muscle aches and joint pain.
• Chest pain.
• Digestive problems.
• Exhaustion and fatigue.
• Sleeping problems.
• Change in appetite or weight.
• Dizziness or lightheadedness.
• Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb.
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy.
• Irritability or anxiety.
• Trouble making decisions.
• Feeling guilty or worthless.
Depression and anxiety might seem like opposites. We think: Depression saps you of energy; anxiety makes you keyed up and afraid. Depression makes it near impossible to get out of bed; anxiety leaves you sleepless, pacing all night.
But the truth is not so simple. In fact, depression and anxiety often go together. Mental health experts estimate that more than half of the people diagnosed with depression also have anxiety. “We know that many of the symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders overlap,” says Ian A. Cook, MD, the director of the Depression Research Program at UCLA. “And we’re learning from studies that there also appears to be a lot of overlap in the underlying brain mechanisms involved in these two conditions.”
Unfortunately, the combination of depression and anxiety can be particularly severe, and many people don’t get the correct diagnosis. The good news is that doctors have good treatments for tackling both conditions.
“When you’re in the grip of depression and anxiety, it can feel like the misery will never end, that you’ll never recover,” says Dean F. MacKinnon, MD, an associate professor at the Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. “But people do recover. You just need to find the right treatment.”
Understanding Depression and Anxiety
Although either depression or anxiety can be a disabling condition on its own, the combination can be particularly hard. “If you’re already depressed, anxiety is a multiplier of suffering,” MacKinnon says.
Depression can make feel people profoundly discouraged, helpless, and hopeless. Anxiety can make them agitated and besieged by physical symptoms -- a pounding heart, tightness in the chest, and difficulty breathing.
“People who have both depression and anxiety feel low, down in the dumps, and unmotivated,” says Jerilyn Ross, MA, LICSW, president and CEO of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. “But their minds are also racing, they can’t concentrate, they can’t sit still. It’s a very tough combination.”
It’s also tough to control. “It’s important for people to recognize that when they have both depression and anxiety, it may be more difficult for them to get all the way well,” Cook tells WebMD. That’s not to say they won’t recover fully, but that it may take more work, he says.
People diagnosed with both depression and anxiety tend to have
• More severe symptoms
• More functional impairment
• More trouble finding the right treatment
• A higher risk of suicide
Some people who are depressed have a distinct anxiety disorder, like panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), Ross says. Many others don’t have full-fledged anxiety disorders, but more general anxiety symptoms that accompany their depression.
The fact that depression and anxiety so often co-occur has led some researchers to speculate -- controversially -- that they may not always be different conditions. “It’s possible that in time, we’ll come to see anxiety and depression together as representing a distinct illness separate from either condition by itself,” Cook says.
I’ve only been aware of it for a few years, but I’ve always had anxiety. Even when I was little, I would get bad stomach aches before softball games or anything else that made me nervous. It got worse in high school. I felt sick every morning. If I had a class where I couldn’t leave, that was horrible. I felt trapped, and it always ended up with me having a stomach ache or feeling nauseated. I never thought much about it, I just thought I had a weird stomach issue. I took Pepto Bismol pills almost daily, and I swear, I’ll never take one again. It got better after my freshman year, but I never really knew when to expect it.
It still affects me similarly. If I’m in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, I feel sick. Taking long car trips makes me sick, especially if I’m not driving. I don’t like going places with people I’m not comfortable with. I don’t like not having access to a bathroom.
I eventually got a hang of things, and knew how to make it easier, and what situations to avoid. After high school, I signed up for classes at our community college, things were good, I felt ‘normal’ again. Then one day, I was reading an article in my sociology book about young people getting married and having babies, and all of a sudden I felt like crying, I thought I was having a heart attack, all kinds of fun things. I left class, and it turns out that I had a panic attack.
Anyway, after going to the doctor, a lot of talking about it, a lot of crying, now I’m on medicine that is anti-anxiety and also an anti-depressant.
Looking back, it really shows me how so many problems I had were actually symptoms of my anxiety and depression. In the past year, it has gotten worse, and the depression part has really come out.
There’s a lot more to it, but it’s hard for me to let it all out at once. I just had to talk about this because it has been affecting me so much lately. Like, I spend hours convincing myself that Steve doesn’t love me, or that I’ll never make it in the hair industry.
Every time I go to the doctor, he has to re-convince me that it isn’t my fault. I know that it is a chemical imbalance, but I still feel like this is something that I need to control. And sometimes it’s easy. Lately, I can’t handle it though.
Anyway, I decided to include some bits and pieces from WebMD, so here ya go. First off, are some symptoms, which I have all of them. I think a lot of people don’t connect the physical symptoms to depression, myself included. I guess I'm including it because things like this help me understand myself more. So maybe if there are people out there that need a little reassurance, I hope I can help.
I took my info from here
• Headaches.
• Back pain.
• Muscle aches and joint pain.
• Chest pain.
• Digestive problems.
• Exhaustion and fatigue.
• Sleeping problems.
• Change in appetite or weight.
• Dizziness or lightheadedness.
• Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb.
• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy.
• Irritability or anxiety.
• Trouble making decisions.
• Feeling guilty or worthless.
Depression and anxiety might seem like opposites. We think: Depression saps you of energy; anxiety makes you keyed up and afraid. Depression makes it near impossible to get out of bed; anxiety leaves you sleepless, pacing all night.
But the truth is not so simple. In fact, depression and anxiety often go together. Mental health experts estimate that more than half of the people diagnosed with depression also have anxiety. “We know that many of the symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders overlap,” says Ian A. Cook, MD, the director of the Depression Research Program at UCLA. “And we’re learning from studies that there also appears to be a lot of overlap in the underlying brain mechanisms involved in these two conditions.”
Unfortunately, the combination of depression and anxiety can be particularly severe, and many people don’t get the correct diagnosis. The good news is that doctors have good treatments for tackling both conditions.
“When you’re in the grip of depression and anxiety, it can feel like the misery will never end, that you’ll never recover,” says Dean F. MacKinnon, MD, an associate professor at the Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. “But people do recover. You just need to find the right treatment.”
Understanding Depression and Anxiety
Although either depression or anxiety can be a disabling condition on its own, the combination can be particularly hard. “If you’re already depressed, anxiety is a multiplier of suffering,” MacKinnon says.
Depression can make feel people profoundly discouraged, helpless, and hopeless. Anxiety can make them agitated and besieged by physical symptoms -- a pounding heart, tightness in the chest, and difficulty breathing.
“People who have both depression and anxiety feel low, down in the dumps, and unmotivated,” says Jerilyn Ross, MA, LICSW, president and CEO of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. “But their minds are also racing, they can’t concentrate, they can’t sit still. It’s a very tough combination.”
It’s also tough to control. “It’s important for people to recognize that when they have both depression and anxiety, it may be more difficult for them to get all the way well,” Cook tells WebMD. That’s not to say they won’t recover fully, but that it may take more work, he says.
People diagnosed with both depression and anxiety tend to have
• More severe symptoms
• More functional impairment
• More trouble finding the right treatment
• A higher risk of suicide
Some people who are depressed have a distinct anxiety disorder, like panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), Ross says. Many others don’t have full-fledged anxiety disorders, but more general anxiety symptoms that accompany their depression.
The fact that depression and anxiety so often co-occur has led some researchers to speculate -- controversially -- that they may not always be different conditions. “It’s possible that in time, we’ll come to see anxiety and depression together as representing a distinct illness separate from either condition by itself,” Cook says.
March 3, 2010
I can't brain.
A post of bullet points, because I don’t think I’ll be able to form sentences, except for this one.
-Arrick is getting married in three weeks
-I like NCIS
-Driving Bri to school, free coffee
-I graduate in a freaking week. Oh my gosh
-Dude… I’m going to be WORKING. A REAL JOB. THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR. THAT I LOVE.
-Caps make me happy
-Lady at my school freaking out about having to pay for hair she didn’t like, even though we said we’d fix it. Apparently we made her pay because she’s “old and doesn’t speak good English”
-I’m so sick of school
-I currently have blue hair color in a foil on my head. Wut upppp
-Tommy taught me a way more awesome blow drying technique (I speak good English, huh?)
-I made a huge awesome cake for John’s graduation tomorrow… AND cupcakes
I really want to post, but I’m frazzled right now. I’m getting back on my anxiety medicine, and it’s screwing with my brain. I can’t focus. More on this later.
-Arrick is getting married in three weeks
-I like NCIS
-Driving Bri to school, free coffee
-I graduate in a freaking week. Oh my gosh
-Dude… I’m going to be WORKING. A REAL JOB. THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR. THAT I LOVE.
-Caps make me happy
-Lady at my school freaking out about having to pay for hair she didn’t like, even though we said we’d fix it. Apparently we made her pay because she’s “old and doesn’t speak good English”
-I’m so sick of school
-I currently have blue hair color in a foil on my head. Wut upppp
-Tommy taught me a way more awesome blow drying technique (I speak good English, huh?)
-I made a huge awesome cake for John’s graduation tomorrow… AND cupcakes
I really want to post, but I’m frazzled right now. I’m getting back on my anxiety medicine, and it’s screwing with my brain. I can’t focus. More on this later.
February 18, 2010
Difficult times.
Today was a really hard day. I need to be with Steve. This sucks. Six months is a freaking long time and this is hellish.
I want to cuddle. I miss being touched. I miss backrubs. I miss holding hands. I miss sprawling across his body and falling asleep.
He's the love of my life and I hate that I have to be apart from him
He's my best friend and I hate not having him around.
He makes me feel better than anyone else and I hate that he's not here to destress me.
I am so sick of school. 13 school days left. It isn't long at all but time is dragging ass. GAH
I want to cuddle. I miss being touched. I miss backrubs. I miss holding hands. I miss sprawling across his body and falling asleep.
He's the love of my life and I hate that I have to be apart from him
He's my best friend and I hate not having him around.
He makes me feel better than anyone else and I hate that he's not here to destress me.
I am so sick of school. 13 school days left. It isn't long at all but time is dragging ass. GAH
February 1, 2010
145
145 days apart just isn't normal. I hate this. I want to be with Steve. I want to fall asleep next to him. I want to wake up with him. I want to make him dinner. I wantt these to be normal things, not just something I get to do for a week.
I need someone to help me.
I need someone to help me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)