He's everywhere.

Today was my first day back to school. My first day back to school after three years. My first day back to school after decided I want to do something new. You would think that I would be excited about being in school. Which, I am. I was.

The weird thing is though is that today was one of the days where I remember that Steve is everywhere here. I forgot about the last time I was in school. He worked in the bookstore, and I would visit him between classes. We would have lunch together. I would ditch class and he would skip work and we'd watch movies and cuddle and eat pizza all day. That was our last time together before he left for boot camp. He left two days before the semester ended.

That is what I thought of the whole time I was at school. I miss my husband.

Breakthrough

I joined a website for widow/ers at about a month out, and a lot of times I can use it as a sounding board for my feelings. It makes me realize how "normal" my feelings are. It is a pretty well known thing there that you are NUMB for awhile after the loss of your spouse. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it here before. Obviously you miss your spouse and you are incredibly sad, but your brain doesn't GET IT.

I keep thinking that I'm out of that fog, and then I regress. I hate the fog. It sounds like it would be nice to not feel things as intensely, but it is hell for me. I can't understand my feelings, I can't understand my life, I can't understand my thoughts. Well, I can't really ever understand any of that lately, but it's different. It's so hard to explain.

I've realized in the past month or so, that I've been changing. My grief seems to focus on one thing for awhile, and then I get used to focusing on that thing. Then, I fall back into numbness, have a few breakdowns, and come out with a new grief focus. For example, I would be heartbroken over losing my best friend for about a week, and then my brain will shut down for a few days, and then I'll be SO sad for Steve for not getting a full life, and that will be the main thing I'll be sad about for awhile. It is almost like my mind can't handle being sad about more than one thing at a time.

I feel like I have regressed hard. I think it started right before Steve's birthday (this last Sunday) and Memorial day (this last Monday). I felt an emptiness. I couldn't understand what happened. Logically, I knew Steve was gone, but the emotional side of my brain felt like he was just gone to Guam or something. We spent to much time apart it was kind of a normal thing. I think it might make grieving harder for me in the long run. I've been hiding from my feelings. I've been busy the past few days, and so I've been focusing my mind on that as much as I can.** Getting out of "the fog" is sort of like riding a bike up a hill. You have to work to get to the peak, and once you're to the other side, you fly to the bottom. I keep trying to push myself out of the numbness, because it feels so wrong. I don't want to feel so disconnected from Steve. It confuses me and I don't like it.

Well, I've had a breakthrough tonight, and I'm back to my grieving. I think I might be in a "grieving the future we lost" phase. Doesn't help that I'm looking for a place to move. I don't know.



**It is amazing how much my mind is able to multi-task. It doesn't matter how busy I am, or what I am doing, I'm thinking about Steve every waking minute.