Happy birthday sweetie.

Happy birthday sweets! I love you.

Sharing

A few months ago (ok, I'll admit it, it was at least 3 or 4 months ago), Kammi at Misadventures of an Alternative Navy Spouse started doing guests posts on her her blog about different life experiences of mil-spouses. I emailed her saying that I was interested in writing a guest post, because I don't think many people hear much about the experience of being a widow. About once or twice a week since then, I have tried to sit down and write something, but I couldn't form the words to explain my feelings. Each time I tried to write it I focused on something different. Finally, last night, I realized that I don't have to explain what happens. I don't have to give a play by play of what you go through (even just on the military side of it). I just wanted to show a piece of myself.

I think the problem I had every time i tried to write it, was that I felt like I needed to give the back story every time. I needed to talk about how Steve and I started dating, and our experience with the military. I needed to talk about his death, and the things that happened after. Honestly though, sometimes those things don't matter to the story. Obviously they are a huge part of my life and who I am, but it doesn't matter how long we were together, or when he was stationed where, or how he died. The story I was trying to tell was about the pain I feel.

This was as close as I could get to showing how I feel the large majority of the time. When I'm sad, those are the things I think about. When I'm having a decent day, those are the things I think about. When I'm angry, those are the things I think about.

You can see my post here, and check out the rest of Kammi's blog. I've been reading her blog since before she was pregnant with her adorable daughter, and I think she is an amazing woman, mil-spouse, and mom.

Time does not bring relief.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied 
Who told me time would ease me of my pain! 
I miss him in the weeping of the rain; 
I want him at the shrinking of the tide; 
The old snows melt from every mountain-side, 
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane; 
But last year's bitter loving must remain 
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide. 
There are a hundred places where I fear 
To go - so with his memory they brim. 
And entering with relief some quiet place 
Where never fell his foot or shone his face 
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!' 
And so stand stricken, so remembering him. 


Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)






I'm basically posting this because I can't keep my thoughts together enough for a coherent post.

Lost

I just don't know what to do. It's been five months today. I miss my best friend. Even the annoying, stubborn, know it all parts.

One of these days I'll get around to posting about our wedding. It's a lot of pictures though, and I'm lazy and unmotivated. On a happier side, things are starting to work out. I mean, they still suck, but the other things that added to my stress are starting to go away.

May Flowers.

May can suck it. I'm not ready for it.

May 2009

Here's what I will thinking about this month. May 7, 2007, Steve asked me to be his girlfriend. In my car, in the parking lot of the high school. Awww. May 23, 2008 I graduated high school. Baller. Steve went to the grad night party and we got back together. May 29 should be his 20th birthday. May 31 last year he was on his way to Guam. I wish he stayed there forever and ever.

May, we're fighting. I hate you.