Plato's Symposium said that there was once man, woman, and a combo. The combo was a person with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zues was jealous of the power that human's had, so he split the combo. These people were left always looking for their other half, for their true love. It was what they needed to be complete.
I miss my half. I miss being whole.
"The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, having a name corresponding to this double nature, which had once a real existence, but is now lost, and the word ‘Androgynous’ is only preserved as a term of reproach. In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast. Now the sexes were three, and such as I have described them; because the sun, moon, and earth are three; and the man was originally the child of the sun, the woman of the earth, and the man-woman of the moon, which is made up of sun and earth, and they were all round and moved round and round like their parents. "
"When they reach manhood they are lovers of youth, and are not naturally inclined to marry or beget children,— if at all, they do so only in obedience to the law; but they are satisfied if they may be allowed to live with one another unwedded; and such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him. And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover’s intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment."
Showing posts with label me and Steve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me and Steve. Show all posts
September 17, 2011
June 18, 2011
The last time.
Three days ago was our six month "anniversary of being married. Which only reminded me what is coming on Monday. Today though, has been six months since I saw him, touched him, and kissed him goodbye.
Miss juice bb.
June 7, 2011
Wedding Recap #1- Dress Shopping
So I think I'm going to finally get around to posting about our wedding! I loved our wedding. It was perfect. It fit us so well, and it was the happiest time of my life.
Steve and I had been talking about getting married since he went into the Air Force. We were young, and knew it would be best to wait. Sometimes it would cause fights, with one of us (usually me) wanting it and the other (usually him) wanting to wait. So for a long time, we stopped talking about it. I think it was in July, and I asked him if he'd "thought about the m word". I can remember it clearly. I was sitting on the back of the couch and straightening my mom's hair, while texting Steve. I was REALLY surprised when he sent me a text saying, "I think we should do it when I get home from Korea." I was floored. I actually said I had to think about it! I only had to think about it for a day or two, but I had ignored it for so long!
I guess that might not make sense to everyone. The thing is, we always knew we were going to get married. We just didn't know when. So, there wasn't any proposal or engagement ring, we just decided together over the phone, from opposite sides of the world. Very us, I guess.
The next step was telling our families. It was stressful, and I think all four parents suggested waiting. They didn't understand why we would get married right before he went to Korea. Then, it was that it would be easier for my family from Montana to come if we waiting until January. Eventually, I think they understood that we do things our way. I am SO glad that we were sure about what we wanted. I don't know what I would do if we hadn't been able to get married before Steve died. Being able to call myself his wife gives me something to hold onto.
I planned the whole thing, Steve told me to do whatever I wanted. Honestly though, there wasn't much to plan. I think we had the whole thing figure out in about a month. We had a courthouse wedding, but still wanted to get dressed up, have family, and a bunch of the little wedding touches.
First thing, getting a dress. The dress I ended up with was nothing like I thought I would have gotten, but I love it so much. I tried on a bunch of styles, but I'm really glad I found the one I wore. It also fit the style Steve said he liked. Bonus!
Went shopping with my sister and my mom. Bri brought her camera to document.
This was my go to pose for some reason... even though it gave me man shoulders.
I tried on a few veils, just to see how it looked.
My sister got distracted by the ugly ass something dresses. Prom? Quinceanera?
I made boutonnieres for all of the guys (this one wasn't finished yet).
Almost went with this one, but wasn't a huge fan of the train or how sparkly it was.
Here it is! Pre-hemming, of course, since I'm mini.
I also made bouquets, one for me and one for Bri.
AND HERE ARE MY EFFING AWESOME SHOES
Balloon bouquet and veil!
Here's my bouquet, better pictures in the wedding shots.
And the ring. Steve picked out both of them (the one's on my middle finger, the green one was a Christmas present from Steve a few years ago) while he was in Guam. I actually didn't see mine until two days before the wedding.
April 21, 2011
Darlin.
Babe it has been 4 months, 4 long, hellish, soul crushing months.
@ Steve's BMT grad Feb 09
Hiking Thumb Butte, March 09
Playing on some old train tracks, Sept 09
Steve's fort in Guam
After getting our marriage license
On our way to the airport, the last day I saw him
April 4, 2011
Memories- First Date
Our first date. April 14, 2007. I asked him to prom. We got Chinese food, he bought. I drove and almost drove us into a ditch on the way there. He never let me live that down.
We both had braces. We were goofy. We were so nervous and awkward with each other. Also, notice how Steve is not smiling.
Once we were there, we all mostly just sat around and talked. Steve and I ~*slowdanced*~ to the last song and then we went back to Lauren's house to hang out.
Where Steve fell asleep.
I later found out that he kept wanting to kiss me that night, once we were back at Lauren's but I wouldn't sit still. Funny, he said the same thing about when he first tried to ask me to be his girlfriend. We went to a lake in the area and climbed up on all the rocks. I guess I kept going around to other rocks when he got the nerve up to ask me.
What a dork.
February 25, 2011
Oh Myspace.
I got on myspace today for the first time in years, and found this. It was from when we were first dating. I miss being loved like this.
February 2, 2011
Douche.
Last night (because I don't sleep for hours), I was thinking about the last fight me and Steve had. It made me laugh, because we fought about the dumbest things. It wasn't a serious fight, but he PISSED ME OFF!
I can't remember exactly which day it was, but it was either the day after we got married, or the next day. Whichever day it was, we were buying my car and running tons of errands. Well, we had planned on running tons of errands. We did a few things, and then went to the social security office to change my name. After that we had to go to the DMV, and then back to my dad's work to finish the paperwork for the car.
When I get hungry, I get really hungry really fast. And then I get bitchy. Well, as we were waiting, I realized I was starving. Steve said I had to wait until after the DMV, so we knew we had time. I was SO MAD. How long did it take to go through a freaking drive through?
So, yes, our first married fight, and our last fight ever, was about me being hungry. I find that hilarious.
January 25, 2011
Winter can suck it.
I was ready to tell the rest of the story today. I need to get it out. I've been avoiding my blog because I don't know what to say. But I was talking to one of Steve's friends, and I remembered something.
Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.
It was our chance to make winters not suck.
And then he died. So, there goes my winters.
Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.
It was our chance to make winters not suck.
And then he died. So, there goes my winters.
January 15, 2011
January 14, 2011
A month ago today.
A month ago today, was our last unmarried day together. That day we went to the courthouse to get our marriage licence and got my ring sized. Yeah, we are huge procrastinators. Everything worked out perfect though. Then we had lunch with his mom, and I think dinner with my family. I remember we could barely sleep that night because we were so excited. Ok, I could barely sleep. Steve was out.
January 6, 2011
July 8, 2010
Giving Myself an Assigntment.
Ok, so my computer is still not working (well, it works, b
ut I need 80-90 bucks to replace the charging cord), so my computer time is limited to job hunting on my parents' computer, or when I come to the library. Well, here I am at the library, and I will not "let" myself look for a job until I write a post. Take the word let lightly, because I do not enjoy looking for a job. Nope, not at all.
Things are actually good, and mostly staying that way. Well, nothing is particularly great, but I'm handling things much better lately.
First, let me just say how frustrating it is to not be able to fix things for Steve. He's a big boy, and can handle himself, but when there is something he needs ME to do, and I can't, well that just really sucks. Me and Steve have issues with overdrawing our bank account. We do it a lot. We've given Wells Fargo I don't know how much money in those $35 fees. Apparently Steve did it one too many times, and they cancelled his card. He's in Guam right now, so there isn't much to do. He can't even call the 800 number, because they are open when he is sleeping. So, I called for him, and the girl told me that HE needed to go into a WF and ask for another card. Well, he obviously can't. She said I could go in, explain the situation, and maybe I could do something. It turns out that even if I could order him a card, which I normally couldn't, he can't get a new card for 6 months because of why it was cancelled. Boo.
So, I did what I could, and I felt really crappy, because that means he doesn't have money. Then he told me that he has checks, and all is well. I did what I could, and I'm good with that.
Aside from that, not much is new. I'm still job hunting. I'm still working out. I really want to lose all the weight before Steve is done in Guam.
We're also talking about where we want to go in the next few years. I think we've narrowed it down to AZ, CO, or NV. He says Utah, but I vetoed that. Also a few 'maybes' are California (he wants north and I want south), and I'm cool with NM or TX, but I guess he isn't.
Only time will tell... as usual.
ut I need 80-90 bucks to replace the charging cord), so my computer time is limited to job hunting on my parents' computer, or when I come to the library. Well, here I am at the library, and I will not "let" myself look for a job until I write a post. Take the word let lightly, because I do not enjoy looking for a job. Nope, not at all.
Things are actually good, and mostly staying that way. Well, nothing is particularly great, but I'm handling things much better lately.
First, let me just say how frustrating it is to not be able to fix things for Steve. He's a big boy, and can handle himself, but when there is something he needs ME to do, and I can't, well that just really sucks. Me and Steve have issues with overdrawing our bank account. We do it a lot. We've given Wells Fargo I don't know how much money in those $35 fees. Apparently Steve did it one too many times, and they cancelled his card. He's in Guam right now, so there isn't much to do. He can't even call the 800 number, because they are open when he is sleeping. So, I called for him, and the girl told me that HE needed to go into a WF and ask for another card. Well, he obviously can't. She said I could go in, explain the situation, and maybe I could do something. It turns out that even if I could order him a card, which I normally couldn't, he can't get a new card for 6 months because of why it was cancelled. Boo.
So, I did what I could, and I felt really crappy, because that means he doesn't have money. Then he told me that he has checks, and all is well. I did what I could, and I'm good with that.
Aside from that, not much is new. I'm still job hunting. I'm still working out. I really want to lose all the weight before Steve is done in Guam.
We're also talking about where we want to go in the next few years. I think we've narrowed it down to AZ, CO, or NV. He says Utah, but I vetoed that. Also a few 'maybes' are California (he wants north and I want south), and I'm cool with NM or TX, but I guess he isn't.
Only time will tell... as usual.
June 16, 2010
CTRL V
To sum up how I've been feeling lately- I'm pretty sure I need to get back on meds for my depression. Oh goody. That said, I can't organize my thoughts very well, so instead I'm just going to copy/paste an email I sent Steve.
Steve is the most understanding when it comes to my screwy feelings. He'll listen so patiently while I struggle to explain how I feel, even if I have a hard time figuring out the right words, or if he has to hear it through my tears. He doesn't read into things, he takes it as it is. I love that about him. Even with that though, it is so hard for me to talk to him, or any one, about how I feel about him being in the military. It isn't an all the time feeling. I do so good, and I get to proud of myself for being strong, and then it hits me so hard.
I am so proud of Steve for what he does. This isn't about that. It's about the part I wish I could give up, the part that wonders 'what if'. That said, it is so hard for me to say.
I hate to tell him sometimes. There are times when I feel like he is so selfish. I can't stand to feel that way, because I know it doesn't make sense. The only kind of person who could understand this feeling, I'm sure, is someone who has been through it. I'm giving up a lot, I'm postponing so much, I'm leaving people and things I love. I'm in a business that depends on having a steady clientele, and I won't have the security of staying in one place. I will have to start over whenever 'they' decide it is necessary. I have, and will continue to, spend time away from the man I love. I will have to accept that that Air Force comes first. I don't know if I'll get to have a wedding, or have it where I want it. I won't live near my mom when I am pregnant. I can't say for sure if Steve and/or my family will be there when I give birth.
There are so many things, and some of them matter more, some just a little. They sure add up though. They are things that one or two wouldn't be too bad, but sometimes I just want the things that most people expect.
Most times, most days, I can live with it. I've said it before- I would never ask him to do anything else. Sometimes I wonder why he can't be the one to choose something else. I'm giving up so much to be with him, so he can live his dream. Why can't he choose me?
I think overall, I'm afraid of time. I want my time with Steve. I don't want to go through this and feel like I didn't get enough. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for something the times that I'm with him.
Honestly, I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like I'm asking for sympathy. I don't want it. I'm doing this, I'm aware of how much it might suck. I know how it feels to be without him. I just not strong enough to keep the bad stuff inside though. I try so hard, because no one here understands, even if they try. Steve gets it, for the most part. I'm always worried that instead he'll hear, "I resent you for doing this and it isn't worth it." That's not it at all. I'm just not good enough at this to be ok with it all of the time.
I think I'm getting better at faking it though.
Hey babe.
You said you would call me today, but you didn't. So it's 2 in the morning and I'm still up, just waiting.
I hate waiting.
I've been trying to be positive about everything, but sometimes I lose my grip on that. I feel like I'm an after thought again. I'm barely getting emails from you, and you haven't called me. I haven't heard your voice for 16 days. I hate that. I'm glad that you're seeing places and all that, but sometimes I wish you didn't like it as much. I know that sounds mean, but it's a lot harder for me, because I'm the one still stuck here while you're getting everything you want.
Ugh. I hate to be so negative, but I can't really keep the fake front on all the time. I want to badly to always be happy about everything, so you don't feel bad or anything, but I can't. I don't like this at all. I'm sick of it. I don't want another year and a half without you. And then who knows how much more time through our lives.
I won't ever have enough time and I hate that.
I love you. I can't wait for this to be over. (I'm not sure if I mean you being in Guam, or us not living together, or you being in the AF. I'm not sure.)
Steve is the most understanding when it comes to my screwy feelings. He'll listen so patiently while I struggle to explain how I feel, even if I have a hard time figuring out the right words, or if he has to hear it through my tears. He doesn't read into things, he takes it as it is. I love that about him. Even with that though, it is so hard for me to talk to him, or any one, about how I feel about him being in the military. It isn't an all the time feeling. I do so good, and I get to proud of myself for being strong, and then it hits me so hard.
I am so proud of Steve for what he does. This isn't about that. It's about the part I wish I could give up, the part that wonders 'what if'. That said, it is so hard for me to say.
I hate to tell him sometimes. There are times when I feel like he is so selfish. I can't stand to feel that way, because I know it doesn't make sense. The only kind of person who could understand this feeling, I'm sure, is someone who has been through it. I'm giving up a lot, I'm postponing so much, I'm leaving people and things I love. I'm in a business that depends on having a steady clientele, and I won't have the security of staying in one place. I will have to start over whenever 'they' decide it is necessary. I have, and will continue to, spend time away from the man I love. I will have to accept that that Air Force comes first. I don't know if I'll get to have a wedding, or have it where I want it. I won't live near my mom when I am pregnant. I can't say for sure if Steve and/or my family will be there when I give birth.
There are so many things, and some of them matter more, some just a little. They sure add up though. They are things that one or two wouldn't be too bad, but sometimes I just want the things that most people expect.
Most times, most days, I can live with it. I've said it before- I would never ask him to do anything else. Sometimes I wonder why he can't be the one to choose something else. I'm giving up so much to be with him, so he can live his dream. Why can't he choose me?
I think overall, I'm afraid of time. I want my time with Steve. I don't want to go through this and feel like I didn't get enough. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for something the times that I'm with him.
Honestly, I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like I'm asking for sympathy. I don't want it. I'm doing this, I'm aware of how much it might suck. I know how it feels to be without him. I just not strong enough to keep the bad stuff inside though. I try so hard, because no one here understands, even if they try. Steve gets it, for the most part. I'm always worried that instead he'll hear, "I resent you for doing this and it isn't worth it." That's not it at all. I'm just not good enough at this to be ok with it all of the time.
I think I'm getting better at faking it though.
May 29, 2010
Women be Cray-Cray.
Alternative title- Bitches be Trippin.
Alternative title #2- Reasons Why I Hate Living in a Small Town/Where I Went to High School
Rant ahead.
So this involves a bit of a backstory.
My cousin is from California, but he goes to school here. His car got stolen, and the kid who took it drove it to San Diego. Everything is good with that now, but he was stuck here without a car, and had to be out of his dorms because the semester was over. My mom and I went to his dorm, got all of his stuff, and he stayed here for a few days until his mom came over to take him home. While he was here my sister and BIL came over, and we had tacos and margaritas. Good times. We ran out of ice, so my cousin, my sister, and I ran up to the store to get some. My sister stayed in the car. The girl who rang us up was a girl I knew from a distance, but I've never been friends with. We didn't really talk or anything, I didn't even know if she recognized me. This all sounds normal, right? How can this even go wrong?
Well today, she added Steve on Facebook. I had left a comment on his current status. Now, my picture is of me and Steve, so maybe that is what made her think of me? I don't know. Here's the conversation-
Girl from Store: hope u two arent still dating?
Steve: yep we sure are. is that ok with you? lol
Girl from Store: she came into my work with some dude. happy bday ha
Seriously? Let's go through this.
1. I might have male friends or family members. Steve is ok with it. I promise. And I might go out in public with them. UNSUPERVISED EVEN!
2. It is none of your business what goes on between us. We don't like you.
3. This is not a conversation to be had on a Facebook wall. Seriously.
4. If I WERE cheating and you had VALID REASON to believe that, you don't tell someone on their birthday.
This isn't the first time we've had someone butt into our relationship.
Awhile back, Steve and I were at a really tough time in our relationship. A guy I talk to occasionally message me and said "So, I heard Steve did/said _______." I told him I knew that, but how did HE? He has never been friends with Steve.
This guy found out because he was reading all of his ex girlfriend's myspace messages, and Steve had talked to her about it. Wow, really? You're concerned about my relationship, when Steve and I are honest with each other, and you're going behind this poor girl's back to snoop on her?
And yet another example of the "girls and guys can't be friends" crap.
Steve has a cousin Arrick. He's the one who just went into the Navy and got married. He would hang out with me and Steve when they were both still here, and after Steve left I still hung out with him. Sometimes with his girlfriend, sometimes not because she was working. Well if she ever mentioned to her coworkers that we were hanging out, or we ever went into her work to say hi, her coworkers would freak out asking why that was ok with her, why we were hanging out etc.
They didn't shut up until she started referring to me as his cousin's wife. Are you people serious? It is obvious to everyone that Arrick is crazy about her. Aside from that, he's my boyfriend's cousin, that's low. Oh, and why would we go see her if there was anything going on?
Oh yeah, and it's none of your damn business.
Alternative title #2- Reasons Why I Hate Living in a Small Town/Where I Went to High School
Rant ahead.
So this involves a bit of a backstory.
My cousin is from California, but he goes to school here. His car got stolen, and the kid who took it drove it to San Diego. Everything is good with that now, but he was stuck here without a car, and had to be out of his dorms because the semester was over. My mom and I went to his dorm, got all of his stuff, and he stayed here for a few days until his mom came over to take him home. While he was here my sister and BIL came over, and we had tacos and margaritas. Good times. We ran out of ice, so my cousin, my sister, and I ran up to the store to get some. My sister stayed in the car. The girl who rang us up was a girl I knew from a distance, but I've never been friends with. We didn't really talk or anything, I didn't even know if she recognized me. This all sounds normal, right? How can this even go wrong?
Well today, she added Steve on Facebook. I had left a comment on his current status. Now, my picture is of me and Steve, so maybe that is what made her think of me? I don't know. Here's the conversation-
Girl from Store: hope u two arent still dating?
Steve: yep we sure are. is that ok with you? lol
Girl from Store: she came into my work with some dude. happy bday ha
Seriously? Let's go through this.
1. I might have male friends or family members. Steve is ok with it. I promise. And I might go out in public with them. UNSUPERVISED EVEN!
2. It is none of your business what goes on between us. We don't like you.
3. This is not a conversation to be had on a Facebook wall. Seriously.
4. If I WERE cheating and you had VALID REASON to believe that, you don't tell someone on their birthday.
This isn't the first time we've had someone butt into our relationship.
Awhile back, Steve and I were at a really tough time in our relationship. A guy I talk to occasionally message me and said "So, I heard Steve did/said _______." I told him I knew that, but how did HE? He has never been friends with Steve.
This guy found out because he was reading all of his ex girlfriend's myspace messages, and Steve had talked to her about it. Wow, really? You're concerned about my relationship, when Steve and I are honest with each other, and you're going behind this poor girl's back to snoop on her?
And yet another example of the "girls and guys can't be friends" crap.
Steve has a cousin Arrick. He's the one who just went into the Navy and got married. He would hang out with me and Steve when they were both still here, and after Steve left I still hung out with him. Sometimes with his girlfriend, sometimes not because she was working. Well if she ever mentioned to her coworkers that we were hanging out, or we ever went into her work to say hi, her coworkers would freak out asking why that was ok with her, why we were hanging out etc.
They didn't shut up until she started referring to me as his cousin's wife. Are you people serious? It is obvious to everyone that Arrick is crazy about her. Aside from that, he's my boyfriend's cousin, that's low. Oh, and why would we go see her if there was anything going on?
Oh yeah, and it's none of your damn business.
May 19, 2010
I figured out my problem. I’m always waiting for what I want. Always. First I was waiting to graduate high school, so I could go to beauty school. Then my parents said I had to get a degree before they would pay for it. Luckily, that only lasted a semester. Then I waited to finish school.
Oh, and it happens with Steve too. I waited for him to finish boot camp and tech school. Then we had to wait for a new class for tech school, so he was there a month longer. Then there was the constant waiting until the next time we saw each other. Then, we were waiting for me to graduate so I could move up there.
That’s about where we are now. And still waiting. Oh, I forgot to share the good news. I got a job. Yeah, I called this lady about a job, one of my clients get her nails done there, and she recommended me. I went in, expecting an interview. Basically she just told me about the salon and how everything works. I had the job just like that. It’s a booth rental, so I just pay her rent every week, and basically run my own business out of her salon.
Awesome, right? Yeah I thought so too. Except I have no money to get started with. I need rent money, I need my own products, I need color. It really isn’t a lot. But I have NOTHING.
So what, I finally finish cosmo school, and I go work at a restaurant or department store, just so I can afford the job I want?
I just don’t know where to go from here. I thought about getting a small loan, but I have no income, no credit, nothing. My parents won’t cosign, Steve thinks I’m crazy for getting a loan. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to get a job, but I don’t want to. I know that might sound stupid, but I feel like I’m at my breaking point right now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting.
It doesn’t help that I’m constantly waiting on my relationship with Steve. And I will be for as long as he is in the military. Nothing ever is just easy. Boot camp was basically the last thing that went like it was supposed to. Tech school was a month longer than it was supposed to be. Then he got stationed in the shittiest place ever. I don’t WANT to move to North Dakota. I can deal with it though, but it’s just another thing under the negatives. Man, I can’t believe how bad it was when I had to wait 3 months to see him. Here I am, almost 8 months out.
So now Steve is going on a TDY. Far, far away until October. That will be more than a year of us not seeing each other. I feel bad complaining about it, because he’s not deployed. I don’t have to deal with being terrified for his safety. That’s a big part of it though. Bear with me before you let that bother you.
Steve isn’t in a warzone. He’s not stuck across the ocean. Well, now he’s going to be, but he hasn’t been for the last 6 months. He’s been 1600 miles away. That's it. Easy flying distance. I just don’t understand how we just haven’t figured out a way to see each other for this long. It’s like, of course he has to go away now. Because we weren’t using the time we had.
Alright, so I’ll get through the next five months. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to do it, but I will. I don’t have any other choice. I love him so much, I’ll always wait.
So guess what happens after that! He’ll be back in ND for a few months, and then he’s off to Korea for a year. Really? Come on.
Yeah, so I got it all out.
Oh, let me add. Steve thinks that once I start working, it will be easier for me and I won’t miss him as much. Yeah right. Thanks babe, but no, that’s not how it works. I wish I could compartmentalize like you.
Oh, and it happens with Steve too. I waited for him to finish boot camp and tech school. Then we had to wait for a new class for tech school, so he was there a month longer. Then there was the constant waiting until the next time we saw each other. Then, we were waiting for me to graduate so I could move up there.
That’s about where we are now. And still waiting. Oh, I forgot to share the good news. I got a job. Yeah, I called this lady about a job, one of my clients get her nails done there, and she recommended me. I went in, expecting an interview. Basically she just told me about the salon and how everything works. I had the job just like that. It’s a booth rental, so I just pay her rent every week, and basically run my own business out of her salon.
Awesome, right? Yeah I thought so too. Except I have no money to get started with. I need rent money, I need my own products, I need color. It really isn’t a lot. But I have NOTHING.
So what, I finally finish cosmo school, and I go work at a restaurant or department store, just so I can afford the job I want?
I just don’t know where to go from here. I thought about getting a small loan, but I have no income, no credit, nothing. My parents won’t cosign, Steve thinks I’m crazy for getting a loan. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to get a job, but I don’t want to. I know that might sound stupid, but I feel like I’m at my breaking point right now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting.
It doesn’t help that I’m constantly waiting on my relationship with Steve. And I will be for as long as he is in the military. Nothing ever is just easy. Boot camp was basically the last thing that went like it was supposed to. Tech school was a month longer than it was supposed to be. Then he got stationed in the shittiest place ever. I don’t WANT to move to North Dakota. I can deal with it though, but it’s just another thing under the negatives. Man, I can’t believe how bad it was when I had to wait 3 months to see him. Here I am, almost 8 months out.
So now Steve is going on a TDY. Far, far away until October. That will be more than a year of us not seeing each other. I feel bad complaining about it, because he’s not deployed. I don’t have to deal with being terrified for his safety. That’s a big part of it though. Bear with me before you let that bother you.
Steve isn’t in a warzone. He’s not stuck across the ocean. Well, now he’s going to be, but he hasn’t been for the last 6 months. He’s been 1600 miles away. That's it. Easy flying distance. I just don’t understand how we just haven’t figured out a way to see each other for this long. It’s like, of course he has to go away now. Because we weren’t using the time we had.
Alright, so I’ll get through the next five months. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to do it, but I will. I don’t have any other choice. I love him so much, I’ll always wait.
So guess what happens after that! He’ll be back in ND for a few months, and then he’s off to Korea for a year. Really? Come on.
Yeah, so I got it all out.
Oh, let me add. Steve thinks that once I start working, it will be easier for me and I won’t miss him as much. Yeah right. Thanks babe, but no, that’s not how it works. I wish I could compartmentalize like you.
May 11, 2010
And I thought I knew everything...
So I don’t usually talk about issues with Steve on here, but I had to get my feelings out.
Steve and I got in a fight tonight. I hate fighting with him so much. I don’t really enjoy fighting with anyone, but fighting with him really throws me off. No matter how ‘right’ I feel or how mad I am at him, I usually end up feeling bad.
Our conversation started really good. It was late, so he’s usually tired and quiet, but he was actually really talkative. Then a certain topic came up that I thought I knew everything about, but it turns out I didn’t. That irritated me, but wasn’t a huge deal. I just felt a little mislead. It wasn’t a SUPER important topic, but I still don’t like it when he lets me assume the wrong thing. Not only because I feel lied to, but because it makes me feel like he can’t trust me.
I try REALLY hard to not get too upset about things like this, because then it doesn’t get discussed. If I get too upset, he acts like I’m attacking him or something, and gets really defensive, then we start really fighting, and he ends up doing the whole, “Can we just stop talking about this? Let’s just drop it.” It’s his go-to response.
So I dropped it, even though I really didn’t want to. So we ended up talking about certain things from our pasts, before we knew each other. I asked him a question, and he said he didn’t want to answer it. That totally threw me off. Anyway, I don’t really want to get into the fight we had, but more about how it made me feel.
I hate to feel that Steve doesn’t want me to know something, or doesn’t trust me with something. I’ve never had to feel like that before. I know that he really does trust me. He’s told me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. He can talk to me about things he hasn’t talked to anyone else about.
He gets a little weird about his childhood though. I don’t get it, I don’t know if I ever will. I do think we should be able to talk about anything. I don’t expect him to give me a play-by-play of his entire life. But it really throws me off when he feels like he can’t tell me something. He said it was because it was something he doesn’t want people to know about. I get that. But he knows all my dirty little secrets. And I know plenty of not-so-great thing about him, and I’ve never judged him on it.
It was hard for me to get him to understand how I feel. I’m pretty sure he kept thinking that I just REALLY wanted to know about this certain thing. By the time we were that far into the conversation, it didn’t matter. I was still curious, but it was so far out of my mind.
And like usually in our fights, it stopped being about me being mad about him, and started being me feeling bad about things. I felt so sad that he would ever feel like he couldn’t trust me with something, or that I would judge him, or that I would make him feel bad. We worked it out, but it just gave me so many thoughts.
We’re getting better at fighting. Sounds like an odd thing to be happy about, but that’s how it is. I have to try to not get worked up, and he has to not get so offended so easily. But we are getting good at it. I have to remind him that we’re just talking, and to just listen to what I’m saying without getting worked up. And sometimes he has to tell me to not over talk things.
Steve and I got in a fight tonight. I hate fighting with him so much. I don’t really enjoy fighting with anyone, but fighting with him really throws me off. No matter how ‘right’ I feel or how mad I am at him, I usually end up feeling bad.
Our conversation started really good. It was late, so he’s usually tired and quiet, but he was actually really talkative. Then a certain topic came up that I thought I knew everything about, but it turns out I didn’t. That irritated me, but wasn’t a huge deal. I just felt a little mislead. It wasn’t a SUPER important topic, but I still don’t like it when he lets me assume the wrong thing. Not only because I feel lied to, but because it makes me feel like he can’t trust me.
I try REALLY hard to not get too upset about things like this, because then it doesn’t get discussed. If I get too upset, he acts like I’m attacking him or something, and gets really defensive, then we start really fighting, and he ends up doing the whole, “Can we just stop talking about this? Let’s just drop it.” It’s his go-to response.
So I dropped it, even though I really didn’t want to. So we ended up talking about certain things from our pasts, before we knew each other. I asked him a question, and he said he didn’t want to answer it. That totally threw me off. Anyway, I don’t really want to get into the fight we had, but more about how it made me feel.
I hate to feel that Steve doesn’t want me to know something, or doesn’t trust me with something. I’ve never had to feel like that before. I know that he really does trust me. He’s told me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. He can talk to me about things he hasn’t talked to anyone else about.
He gets a little weird about his childhood though. I don’t get it, I don’t know if I ever will. I do think we should be able to talk about anything. I don’t expect him to give me a play-by-play of his entire life. But it really throws me off when he feels like he can’t tell me something. He said it was because it was something he doesn’t want people to know about. I get that. But he knows all my dirty little secrets. And I know plenty of not-so-great thing about him, and I’ve never judged him on it.
It was hard for me to get him to understand how I feel. I’m pretty sure he kept thinking that I just REALLY wanted to know about this certain thing. By the time we were that far into the conversation, it didn’t matter. I was still curious, but it was so far out of my mind.
And like usually in our fights, it stopped being about me being mad about him, and started being me feeling bad about things. I felt so sad that he would ever feel like he couldn’t trust me with something, or that I would judge him, or that I would make him feel bad. We worked it out, but it just gave me so many thoughts.
We’re getting better at fighting. Sounds like an odd thing to be happy about, but that’s how it is. I have to try to not get worked up, and he has to not get so offended so easily. But we are getting good at it. I have to remind him that we’re just talking, and to just listen to what I’m saying without getting worked up. And sometimes he has to tell me to not over talk things.
May 1, 2010
I love May. [Things are starting to come back around!]
I love May. :)
Today is my first job doing hair for a wedding. I'm super excited. And nervous. I mean, this is WEDDING HAIR. Anyhoo...
Steve and I started dating in May the first time around.
Steve's birthday is in May.
We started dating in May the second time around.
Oh, did I mention?
I'M GOING TO SEE HIM NEXT WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've waited so long to be able to say that. Wooooo! Yeah, I called him a few days ago to let him know I found a super cheap plane ticket, and now I'm going. I don't know the last time I saw him with more than a weeks notice. Last time it was less than 24 hours notice.
I might be the only person that gets this excited about a trip to Minot, ND. Yeah....
But I get 4ish days with my boyfriend. I'll get there Wed night, he gets a day off for his birthday, so we get all day Thursday, then Friday he gets off around 12, and then I leave Saturday night.
Man, this trip was so needed.
Today is my first job doing hair for a wedding. I'm super excited. And nervous. I mean, this is WEDDING HAIR. Anyhoo...
Steve and I started dating in May the first time around.
Steve's birthday is in May.
We started dating in May the second time around.
Oh, did I mention?
I'M GOING TO SEE HIM NEXT WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've waited so long to be able to say that. Wooooo! Yeah, I called him a few days ago to let him know I found a super cheap plane ticket, and now I'm going. I don't know the last time I saw him with more than a weeks notice. Last time it was less than 24 hours notice.
I might be the only person that gets this excited about a trip to Minot, ND. Yeah....
But I get 4ish days with my boyfriend. I'll get there Wed night, he gets a day off for his birthday, so we get all day Thursday, then Friday he gets off around 12, and then I leave Saturday night.
Man, this trip was so needed.
April 8, 2010
Waiting.
So things are happening. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet though. Basically, military relationships are really, really hard. They take a lot of work, and sometimes things fall apart a little.
I have not seen the love of my life in over 7 months.
I understand that a lot of people go through this with deployments, and I'm not down playing anyones experience. This is about me, and I'm sorry if I make anyone feel like what you went through was less. I've never been through a deployment before, I have no idea what it is like. But this is what I HAVE been through.
I fell super duper ridiculously in love with a guy when I was 16.
The love of my life decided to go be a super hero in the Air Force.
I didn't see him for two months, and I felt like it was the worst thing.
I got to see him for four awesome days.
Then I got to go another three months without seeing him.
And then another four months.
And now seven months.
I'm not married to him, so it isn't as easy for us to be together. First I waited for almost 5 months to find out where he would be stationed. Then we decided I needed to go to school here, we couldn't afford for me to do it there, I couldn't work and go to school full time. So I started school here and was stuck for a year. Now that I'm done with school, he'll be on a TDY for at least 5 months. So much of our relationship has been waiting.
There are things that have happend that I don't ever want to talk about again, to anyone. There have been some really hard times. Sometimes Steve tells me that he doesn't understand how this is worth it to me, with him away so much. I don't see how he can question that. I love him more than anything
It is so worth it.
I have not seen the love of my life in over 7 months.
I understand that a lot of people go through this with deployments, and I'm not down playing anyones experience. This is about me, and I'm sorry if I make anyone feel like what you went through was less. I've never been through a deployment before, I have no idea what it is like. But this is what I HAVE been through.
I fell super duper ridiculously in love with a guy when I was 16.
The love of my life decided to go be a super hero in the Air Force.
I didn't see him for two months, and I felt like it was the worst thing.
I got to see him for four awesome days.
Then I got to go another three months without seeing him.
And then another four months.
And now seven months.
I'm not married to him, so it isn't as easy for us to be together. First I waited for almost 5 months to find out where he would be stationed. Then we decided I needed to go to school here, we couldn't afford for me to do it there, I couldn't work and go to school full time. So I started school here and was stuck for a year. Now that I'm done with school, he'll be on a TDY for at least 5 months. So much of our relationship has been waiting.
There are things that have happend that I don't ever want to talk about again, to anyone. There have been some really hard times. Sometimes Steve tells me that he doesn't understand how this is worth it to me, with him away so much. I don't see how he can question that. I love him more than anything
It is so worth it.
March 23, 2010
Write On! #1 [Once upon a time, I almost dated Steve's brother]
Today I'm participating in the first writing prompt by Tattoos and Teething Rings. I figured it would be a good way to keep me updating. I guess sometimes I like being told what to write about.
Well, my options are either "What is the worst date you've ever been on?" or "How did you meet your boyfriend?" Well, I already told mine and Steve's story (if you haven't read it, it's up in my pages), but I've also never really had a bad date. I went to the movies with my boyfriend in 7th grade, where his friend got us to kiss (for the first time, in front of his friend, really?). I met a guy on myspace and later went on a date with him, but that was a pretty cute date- Panda Express, ice cream, park. So, I've never really had a bad date.
So I guess I'll do the full story of how Steve and I met. I do have some pretty hilarious pictures of him from then... but they are on my broken phone. Damn.
I guess this is one of those stories that you have to just laugh about and be glad they had a good outcome.
So here's the story. It starts my freshman year. I was into the local band scene and would go to 'shows' all the time. (Shows=concerts, but you know... local bands) One of these was pretty shortly after I broke up with a boyfriend. I went out with my friends to get over it, or something, so there we were, hanging out on this hill outside, and Scott was there. Scott is Steve's brother, but at the time he was just a guy in the same group as me, who was also kind of friends with my sister. So we all decided to play spin the bottle (well, cellphone), and I ended up kissing Scott. Awkward. Later on in the night he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I declined. Oh, high school. Looking back, this is all so ridiculous to me. So after that, we were able to just be friends. It wasn't weird, and I never really thought much about it.
Fast forward to junior year. I was getting over my 'bad phase', and stopped hanging out with most of my friends. This meant that I pretty much didn't talk to anyone the first month or so of my junior year. Wow, I'm so cool. So, I got sick of it, and one day I saw Scott, and was hanging out with him and his friends every day after that. We became really good friends, and pretty soon people could tell we were interested in each other. It was pretty much a "when" rather than "if" we started dating.
I know, I'm embarrassed admitting it.
So, since this is high school, there has to be drama right? Of course right.
While I was becoming closer to Scott, I was also becoming really good friends with his ex-girlfriend, Mandi. Silly me thought this wouldn't be any problem. Long story short, when I started becoming un-interested in Scott, he blamed Mandi. I kind of flipped out on him, saying how it had nothing to do with Mandi, and how dare he talk to my friend that way, and that REALLY made me sure I didn't want to be with him.
Oy vey.
As I started losing interest in Scott, I started to notice his brother. I know... I couldn't go 5 seconds without wanting a guy. All the while my 'whatever' thing with Scott was developing, I started being friends with his brother Steve. Somehow, Steve was just Scott's brother. Woops, my mistake. Anyhow, I eventually became sane, and I've been in love with the guy ever since.
The good things that came out of this?
Well, Steve, obviously.
I gained an awesome friend, Lauren. (Another girlfriend of the group)
Scott and I stayed good friends.
The knowledge that Steve thinks I'm awesome enough to ignore that I kissed his brother... twice.
Yeah... I like to pretend that didn't happen.
March 7, 2010
A little bit of us.
1. What are your middle names?
Mine is Alexis. He likes to try to call me Lexie, but I’m not down with that. Which is why he still does it. His is Conant, which is a family name. I thought it was totally weird when I first heard it, but now I’m used to it. And I’m supposed to give it to one of my kids.
2. How long have you been together?
We went to our junior prom in 2007, and it’s pretty much gone from there. We were “official” May 07, broke up Nov 07, and have been together again since May 08.
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About 7 or 8 months. We were friends will all of the same people.
4. Who asked who out?
He asked me to be his girlfriend. And then the second time around, it just happened, and one day he referred to me as his girlfriend.
5. How old are each of you?
He’s 18 and I’m 19. I’m an old lady.
6. Did you go to the same school?
He transferred to my high school junior year.
7. Are you from the same home town?
We were both born in CA. He lived here since he was 4 or so, and I moved here when I was 9.
8. Who is the smartest?
I’m pretty book smart, but he knows EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.
9. Who majored in what?
He dropped out of high school to enlist, and I only went to our community college for a semester. But I’m about to graduate cosmetology school.
10. Who is the most sensitive?
Me. 345234523452345 times me.
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We drove from AZ to MT to ND.
12. Who has the worst temper?
Ugh. Me. Well, towards each other. We both get pretty feisty with other people, but he very rarely gets mad at me.
13. How many children do you want?
I want three. He wants one. So it will probably be 2, which I think will actually fit us pretty well. Until that third one comes along.
14. Who does the cooking?
We haven’t lived together yet, but when we do it will probably be me because of our schedules. Plus, I like cooking for people. He’s amazing in the kitchen though.
15. Who is more social?
Well….. I don’t know. We both have pretty high standards for people, but we can get along with people fairly well. We just make fun of them later.
16. Who is the neat freak?
Uh….
17. Who is the most stubborn?
Oh jeez both of us..
18. Who wakes up earlier?
Him. For sure. Even on vacation he’s up by 7.
19. Where was your first date?
Prom.
20. Who has the bigger family?
I think I do, but his is more confusing. They are all remarried and step-this, step-that.
21. Do you get flowers often?
Nope.
22. How do you spend the holidays?
I would like to thank the AF for us not having a Christmas together yet. We have had one Thanksgiving together and we went to my aunt’s house.
23. Who is more jealous?
Neither of us. Well, I’m jealous of the AF, but whatever.
24. How long did it take to get serious?
Not very long, even though we started dating in high school.
25. Who eats more?
Him. He’s a beast.
26. What do you do for a living?
He’s in the Air Force, and I’m a student, but I’ll be getting a job as a hair stylist soon.
27. Who does the laundry?
I like doing his laundry cause I’m weird.
28. Who's better with the computer?
I don’t know.
29. Who drives when you are together?
It depends, but I prefer when he drives.
30. What is your song?
We don’t have one.
Mine is Alexis. He likes to try to call me Lexie, but I’m not down with that. Which is why he still does it. His is Conant, which is a family name. I thought it was totally weird when I first heard it, but now I’m used to it. And I’m supposed to give it to one of my kids.
2. How long have you been together?
We went to our junior prom in 2007, and it’s pretty much gone from there. We were “official” May 07, broke up Nov 07, and have been together again since May 08.
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About 7 or 8 months. We were friends will all of the same people.
4. Who asked who out?
He asked me to be his girlfriend. And then the second time around, it just happened, and one day he referred to me as his girlfriend.
5. How old are each of you?
He’s 18 and I’m 19. I’m an old lady.
6. Did you go to the same school?
He transferred to my high school junior year.
7. Are you from the same home town?
We were both born in CA. He lived here since he was 4 or so, and I moved here when I was 9.
8. Who is the smartest?
I’m pretty book smart, but he knows EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.
9. Who majored in what?
He dropped out of high school to enlist, and I only went to our community college for a semester. But I’m about to graduate cosmetology school.
10. Who is the most sensitive?
Me. 345234523452345 times me.
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We drove from AZ to MT to ND.
12. Who has the worst temper?
Ugh. Me. Well, towards each other. We both get pretty feisty with other people, but he very rarely gets mad at me.
13. How many children do you want?
I want three. He wants one. So it will probably be 2, which I think will actually fit us pretty well. Until that third one comes along.
14. Who does the cooking?
We haven’t lived together yet, but when we do it will probably be me because of our schedules. Plus, I like cooking for people. He’s amazing in the kitchen though.
15. Who is more social?
Well….. I don’t know. We both have pretty high standards for people, but we can get along with people fairly well. We just make fun of them later.
16. Who is the neat freak?
Uh….
17. Who is the most stubborn?
Oh jeez both of us..
18. Who wakes up earlier?
Him. For sure. Even on vacation he’s up by 7.
19. Where was your first date?
Prom.
20. Who has the bigger family?
I think I do, but his is more confusing. They are all remarried and step-this, step-that.
21. Do you get flowers often?
Nope.
22. How do you spend the holidays?
I would like to thank the AF for us not having a Christmas together yet. We have had one Thanksgiving together and we went to my aunt’s house.
23. Who is more jealous?
Neither of us. Well, I’m jealous of the AF, but whatever.
24. How long did it take to get serious?
Not very long, even though we started dating in high school.
25. Who eats more?
Him. He’s a beast.
26. What do you do for a living?
He’s in the Air Force, and I’m a student, but I’ll be getting a job as a hair stylist soon.
27. Who does the laundry?
I like doing his laundry cause I’m weird.
28. Who's better with the computer?
I don’t know.
29. Who drives when you are together?
It depends, but I prefer when he drives.
30. What is your song?
We don’t have one.
Us playing basketball junior year
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