I need to pretend to be normal.

I feel like all of my posts from now on should have this giant blinking glittery disclaimer saying ~*`MY HUSBAND IS DEAD`*~ or something. Maybe someone will make one. Ok, I guess that isn't really funny, but hey, whatever gets me through it.

So in this post, I'm going to pretend to be normal. Well, normal for me. I'm going to write about the last time I saw Steve. I won't be doing things in order, I would usually write about him coming home first, and what we did, and how much it sucked that I worked, and then our wedding, and all of that. But now I get to pull the grieving widow card and do whatever the hell I want.

Another disclaimer: the bluntness, and finding humor in not funny things is really the only thing that is helping, so don't think I'm insensitive.



Ok here goes. Steve left to fly back to Minot on Dec 18th. We just bought a car on Thursday, and I was still learning to drive a manual, so we asked his dad to take us to the airport. I was pissed off at the time, but now I'm thankful for that. We had a nice morning, and went and said goodbye to everyone. After a bit of a cuddle fest at home, his dad came and we left. Steve brought a bunch of candy and about 5 Arizona iced teas. I don't know why he needed that many, since he only drank one.

We got to Phoenix pretty early, so we went to Chipotle, which none of us had been to. I took a ton of pictures with Steve, just goofing around with my phone's settings. I even got a rad night vision version of him. :P

Once we got to the airport, we hung around by the security gate for a bit. I started crying a little bit and he teased me for it. He said, "It's ok, it's only a month until I'll see you again." He is the best at making things ok. He said goodbye to his dad and stem-mom, and they waited for me by the exit. We kissed, we hugged, said our I love you's and goodbyes, and he walked off to the security. As I was leaving he called me name and said he forgot something. He came back over to me and kissed me again and said he loved me.

It was the perfect goodbye.


And now the normal is over and I'm so sick of being around people. They bitch and complain about the stupidest things. If my brother complains about not being taken to his friends house again, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be awake.

Numb.

I have been numb up until now. I'm starting to feel things. It's starting to feel real. I am so scared.

Torn Apart.

I am heart broken. I feel like I have lost him twice. This whole thing is a shitstorm.


Before Steve and I were married, Steve had assigned his brother as his beneficiary/PAD. As we weren't married long, and it isn't something you typically think about, Steve never changed it. After we heard about his death, Scott signed his PAD rights over to me, giving me the ability to make choices about the funeral. I can't explain the way it feels to be able to honor a persons life.

Due to disagreements on how/where Steve would be laid to rest, his family talked Scott into removing those rights from me. I can't believe that is even something he could reverse.

No one told me. I got a call from the base in Minot informing me. No one had the balls to step up and tell me that they took my husband away from me. I have no say. His brother says that he will try to compromise between what everyone wants, but I'm not going to hold on to that.

I asked them if they really thought that Steve would have wanted that. I said that I'm the person that Steve chose to spend the rest of his life with. His dad said "No, he didn't, you were only married five days." I am so glad that Steve is not aware of what is happening. I am so thankful that he didn't hear those hurtful words. Yes, his parents and brother got 19 years with him. I wish I had that.

The thing that is holding me together is that I know without a doubt that Steve loved me more than anything in the world. I know what he would have wanted, and I will hold onto that. I will honor him in my own way, and they don't have to be part of it.


I shared an amazing love with an amazing man, and no one can take that from me. That is what gets me through the day.

Speechless.

I have no words to describe my feelings. Right now, all I can handle sharing is that what happened was an accident. It was a tragic accident that will affect so many people. Please keep me, my family, Steve's family, and all of his friends in your thoughts and prayers.


All I can think is that I am so grateful for the last week I had with Steve. I will definitely want to share that, but I'm just waiting for the storm to calm right now.

Air Force wife for life.

I don't have words right now. I married the love of my life, the perfect man, my soul mate December 15. It was the greatest day of my life. I said goodbye for a month at the airport on December 18.

Later Friday night, Steve was involved in an accident at the firing range and we lost him during surgery.


I don't know what to say or when I will have the strength to say more, but please keep me, my family, and Steve's family in your prayers. I really need it.