How you can help me.

I found this on a forum for those who have lost a spouse. I like it.






HOW YOU CAN HELP ME 

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more 
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk 
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get 
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know 
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You 
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid 
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I 
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come 
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You 
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you 
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I 
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel 
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm 
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after 
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For 
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was 
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our 
children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the 
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled 
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my 
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and 
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, 
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. 
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has 
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just 
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and 
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't 
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start 
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, 
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes 
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get 
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on 
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think 
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So 
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and 
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget 
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your 
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need 
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in 
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you 
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could 
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you 
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the 
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't 
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the 
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach 
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I 
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me 
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up 
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, 
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations

where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. 
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel 
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm 
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't 
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to 
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't 
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my 
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. 
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank 
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need 
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be 
with you.

My world crumples in.

So I figured I would finally sit down and write about my anxiety and depression. That’s basically the reason I haven’t posted anything for a few days, so why not use it to get me started again?

I’ve only been aware of it for a few years, but I’ve always had anxiety. Even when I was little, I would get bad stomach aches before softball games or anything else that made me nervous. It got worse in high school. I felt sick every morning. If I had a class where I couldn’t leave, that was horrible. I felt trapped, and it always ended up with me having a stomach ache or feeling nauseated. I never thought much about it, I just thought I had a weird stomach issue. I took Pepto Bismol pills almost daily, and I swear, I’ll never take one again. It got better after my freshman year, but I never really knew when to expect it.

It still affects me similarly. If I’m in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, I feel sick. Taking long car trips makes me sick, especially if I’m not driving. I don’t like going places with people I’m not comfortable with. I don’t like not having access to a bathroom.

I eventually got a hang of things, and knew how to make it easier, and what situations to avoid. After high school, I signed up for classes at our community college, things were good, I felt ‘normal’ again. Then one day, I was reading an article in my sociology book about young people getting married and having babies, and all of a sudden I felt like crying, I thought I was having a heart attack, all kinds of fun things. I left class, and it turns out that I had a panic attack.

Anyway, after going to the doctor, a lot of talking about it, a lot of crying, now I’m on medicine that is anti-anxiety and also an anti-depressant.

Looking back, it really shows me how so many problems I had were actually symptoms of my anxiety and depression. In the past year, it has gotten worse, and the depression part has really come out.

There’s a lot more to it, but it’s hard for me to let it all out at once. I just had to talk about this because it has been affecting me so much lately. Like, I spend hours convincing myself that Steve doesn’t love me, or that I’ll never make it in the hair industry.

Every time I go to the doctor, he has to re-convince me that it isn’t my fault. I know that it is a chemical imbalance, but I still feel like this is something that I need to control. And sometimes it’s easy. Lately, I can’t handle it though.

Anyway, I decided to include some bits and pieces from WebMD, so here ya go. First off, are some symptoms, which I have all of them. I think a lot of people don’t connect the physical symptoms to depression, myself included. I guess I'm including it because things like this help me understand myself more. So maybe if there are people out there that need a little reassurance, I hope I can help.


I took my info from here

• Headaches.

• Back pain.

• Muscle aches and joint pain.

• Chest pain.

• Digestive problems.

• Exhaustion and fatigue.

• Sleeping problems.

• Change in appetite or weight.

• Dizziness or lightheadedness.

• Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb.

• Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy.

• Irritability or anxiety.

• Trouble making decisions.

• Feeling guilty or worthless.

Depression and anxiety might seem like opposites. We think: Depression saps you of energy; anxiety makes you keyed up and afraid. Depression makes it near impossible to get out of bed; anxiety leaves you sleepless, pacing all night.

But the truth is not so simple. In fact, depression and anxiety often go together. Mental health experts estimate that more than half of the people diagnosed with depression also have anxiety. “We know that many of the symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders overlap,” says Ian A. Cook, MD, the director of the Depression Research Program at UCLA. “And we’re learning from studies that there also appears to be a lot of overlap in the underlying brain mechanisms involved in these two conditions.”

Unfortunately, the combination of depression and anxiety can be particularly severe, and many people don’t get the correct diagnosis. The good news is that doctors have good treatments for tackling both conditions.

“When you’re in the grip of depression and anxiety, it can feel like the misery will never end, that you’ll never recover,” says Dean F. MacKinnon, MD, an associate professor at the Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. “But people do recover. You just need to find the right treatment.”

Understanding Depression and Anxiety

Although either depression or anxiety can be a disabling condition on its own, the combination can be particularly hard. “If you’re already depressed, anxiety is a multiplier of suffering,” MacKinnon says.

Depression can make feel people profoundly discouraged, helpless, and hopeless. Anxiety can make them agitated and besieged by physical symptoms -- a pounding heart, tightness in the chest, and difficulty breathing.

“People who have both depression and anxiety feel low, down in the dumps, and unmotivated,” says Jerilyn Ross, MA, LICSW, president and CEO of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. “But their minds are also racing, they can’t concentrate, they can’t sit still. It’s a very tough combination.”

It’s also tough to control. “It’s important for people to recognize that when they have both depression and anxiety, it may be more difficult for them to get all the way well,” Cook tells WebMD. That’s not to say they won’t recover fully, but that it may take more work, he says.

People diagnosed with both depression and anxiety tend to have

• More severe symptoms

• More functional impairment

• More trouble finding the right treatment

• A higher risk of suicide

Some people who are depressed have a distinct anxiety disorder, like panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), Ross says. Many others don’t have full-fledged anxiety disorders, but more general anxiety symptoms that accompany their depression.

The fact that depression and anxiety so often co-occur has led some researchers to speculate -- controversially -- that they may not always be different conditions. “It’s possible that in time, we’ll come to see anxiety and depression together as representing a distinct illness separate from either condition by itself,” Cook says.

Blogger is my therapy.

Here's an interesting read: Not even labor contractions could keep a woman from driving to meet her husband as the guardsman returned home from Iraq.

I keep thinking of things to write about, but none of them are sticking. Since today is Valentine's Day, I've been thinking a lot about all of the holidays that I've been without Steve. Two Christmases, two New Years, two Valentines, The Fourth of July, and many other little ones.

Since I've seen him?
158 days.
22 1/2 weeks.
6 months.
That's half a year. My goodness.

I've had all of this weighing down on me in the days leading up to today. I got a text from Steve just past midnight wishing me a happy Valentines Day, and saying that he loved me. Then, the first thing I saw when I got on the computer this morning, was an email from a fellow blogger. She just thought to send me an email because as a fellow mil-spouse, she knows what it is like to spend holidays apart. That really lifted my spirits.

It really reminded me of why I blog. It helps to get all of the feelings out, and it is so nice having a community of people that have been through what I'm going through. I've had a few friends who were mil-spouses, but they either moved to be with them or the relationships ended. A lot of people at school are sympathetic, but it doesn't mean as much when they don't know what it is like.

When I see how many other women do this, and do it with strength, it gives me hope. I want to be a strong person. I want to be successful, have hobbies, have friends. I want to be busy. I'm getting there.

Being with Steve is worth all of this. Even when I just get to see him for a week, it is worth every day of waiting. I think Mrs. G.I. Joe  says it the best in her post at ACU's, Stiletto Shoes, and Pretty Pink Tutus
"If he were only able to be home 1 single day a year for the rest of our lives I'd still be happier with him then I would be with anyone else. "

But I still can't wait to see him every day. To wake up next to him. To spend holidays together.

So I found this article, 15 More Things Your Hairstylist Won't Tell You, and decide to do a little editing to make it fit how I feel about things. Again, I didn't write it, I just added somre thoughts.

1. If you want a new cut or style, I'll work hard to make you happy and I'll want you to like it. After you leave my salon, I'll worry about what you think. (I work on people, not on cars on an assembly line.) And if you feel like calling to tell me how happy you are with my work, you will make me smile.




2. For stylists, tips should be 15 to 20 percent of the total cost of your bill. They are a significant portion of my pay. If you stiff me, I'll remember.



3. Sure, you can bring your child or your dog in, as long as you control them. If your baby or your dog starts bothering me or the other people in the salon, I won't be so easygoing.



4. I need to charge you for my time, no matter what you're having done. I am a trained professional.



5. When you leave my chair and walk out of here, you represent me. So it's in my best interest for you to look good.



6. I don't have manicurists or masseuses in my salon because I am not all things to all people. I'm a hairstylist. I really like doing nails. Waxing is ok. Manicures and pedicures are alright. But hair is my main thing, and what I’m best at.



7. I'm not in this business to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. I just want to make a decent, comfortable living, and at the end of the day, go home. I want to make as much as I can, and I’ll work to do that.



8. Men will tell you things they won't tell their wives—"my throat hurts," "my back aches." They want a little sympathy, which maybe they can't get at home because their wives have heard it all before, or they're not listening. So they tell us. It's the only place they can unload. Women like to share their problems. Men like to talk about work and hobbies.



9. Hot water removes color. The sun can dry your hair. So protect it as you would your skin. Cover it when you're outside in the sun. Wash and condition it properly. Spend a little money on the right products. I don’t know why this is on a things your stylist won’t say. I tell people this to insure their color.



10. When a client says she's in a rush, I tell her she needs to schedule her time better. My work takes time. But I will do what it takes to cater towards my clients time constraints. If the service won’t fit in the time, I’ll reschedule them.



11. When a client is unusually whiny, most of the time it's because she's having a hard time with her husband or boyfriend, or she's having problems at work, or she's not getting along with her kids. She should leave it at the door. I don't want her problems. I don’t mind hearing your problems. Just don’t treat me like a shrink.



12. If you cancel at the very last minute, that's lost money to me because I can't fill that appointment with little or no notice. This one is spot on. You suck.



13. The market is saturated with every possible product to make thin hair thick, dull hair shiny, and curly hair straight. But putting too much junk in your hair will almost always kill a look. More is not more. Your hair wants to be healthy. That doesn't mean trying to totally recreate it every day. Just help it a little. Let it do its thing. I’m not a product whore. I don’t really even use any in my own hair.



14. Do not attempt hairstylist-speak. Do you really know what "thinning" or "graduation" mean? Leave the terminology to the professionals. If you use terms like this, I will rephrase to make sure we’re on the same page.



15. Some people are just too large or their cheeks too round for the style they want. They should look at themselves in the mirror sometime.Or too something. But I can usually give you what you want, and still make it work for you.