Blegh.

So today I went down to the base to get my ID and all that paperwork set up. Steve was only alive 5 days after we were married. He went back up to his base on Saturday, and died on Monday. He would have done everything on Monday, but the base was mostly closed down because of the snow. SO, I got to do it all today.

It was actually really nice to be on a base. It felt like home. It's where I should be. I got to show my dad the BX and commisary, which aren't impressive, but their part of the whole military culture. It was nice to show something that was meant to be part of my life.

I think the most important thing I need to share, is that the lady we've been working with through the casualty assistance office is AWESOME.

Giving Myself an Assigntment.

Ok, so my computer is still not working (well, it works, b
ut I need 80-90 bucks to replace the charging cord), so my computer time is limited to job hunting on my parents' computer, or when I come to the library. Well, here I am at the library, and I will not "let" myself look for a job until I write a post. Take the word let lightly, because I do not enjoy looking for a job. Nope, not at all.

Things are actually good, and mostly staying that way. Well, nothing is particularly great, but I'm handling things much better lately.

First, let me just say how frustrating it is to not be able to fix things for Steve. He's a big boy, and can handle himself, but when there is something he needs ME to do, and I can't, well that just really sucks. Me and Steve have issues with overdrawing our bank account. We do it a lot. We've given Wells Fargo I don't know how much money in those $35 fees. Apparently Steve did it one too many times, and they cancelled his card. He's in Guam right now, so there isn't much to do. He can't even call the 800 number, because they are open when he is sleeping. So, I called for him, and the girl told me that HE needed to go into a WF and ask for another card. Well, he obviously can't. She said I could go in, explain the situation, and maybe I could do something. It turns out that even if I could order him a card, which I normally couldn't, he can't get a new card for 6 months because of why it was cancelled. Boo.

So, I did what I could, and I felt really crappy, because that means he doesn't have money. Then he told me that he has checks, and all is well. I did what I could, and I'm good with that.


Aside from that, not much is new. I'm still job hunting. I'm still working out. I really want to lose all the weight before Steve is done in Guam.

We're also talking about where we want to go in the next few years. I think we've narrowed it down to AZ, CO, or NV. He says Utah, but I vetoed that. Also a few 'maybes' are California (he wants north and I want south), and I'm cool with NM or TX, but I guess he isn't.

Only time will tell... as usual.

As usual, I've calmed down.

Ok. I knew that I needed a few days to breathe before I logically explained this. We're going bullet points, because I like it that way.

• Steve is in Guam until November. As much as I miss him, this is really cool. He loves it there already. He hasn't gotten into a set shift yet, so we haven't figured out times to talk. This is the longest we've gone without talking since BMT. I haven't talked to him since the 1st. We've emailed and Facebook'd, which is good. I'm waiting to see pictures, which I might post on here.Anyway, I'm not staying on point.
• After Steve leaves Guam, he'll go back to Minot until December. So he has about a month off. I'm definately hoping to go up there, and I'll be there as long as we can afford. We don't know if he can come here, but if he can that would be really cool. It's always nice having him here, because we can just hang out at the house all day and he can see his family and friends and all that.
• So mid-December, he'll go to Korea and be there for a year. I have no idea if he'll get time off or get to visit, or if I can go there, I really don't know. Again, this is good because he gets to travel and because that's a year longer of saving money that we get before I move wherever.
• Also, I probably will never have to live in Minot (bonus!).
• I'm not fully trusting this, because everytime I get my hopes up things change. BUT, they are telling Steve he gets to pick his next station after Korea. We're either thinking Colorado, Phoenix, or Tucson, because that will keep us around family, or going all out for Hawaii. He said something about Japan, but I'm choosing to ignore him about that. Well, it might be cool, but I'm pretty down with the US for now.
• I'm trying REALLY hard to keep looking at the good sides of this. I'm learning it from Steve, because he has the ability to find the good in everything. Funny thing, he'll complain about stuff when it just affects him, but if it affects me, he makes it seem better. :P
• I know I can do this, because I read so many blogs of other military spouses/significant others/etc that make it through long times apart. It's just so hard! I'm not worried that I can't handle it, I'm not worried that we won't last through it, I just would rather not. Duh. :)

So I'm at the library with 18 minutes left on the computer, and I REALLY have to pee, so I can't really focus on this post anymore. Next time I update, I'll try to get pictures up from when my aunt and cousins were here. It involves jumping off of cliffs and whatnot.

Warning: The only words I can think of are curse words.

So Steve is in Guam until December (as far as I know).


Then in December he's going to fucking Korea for a year. I hate the fucking Air Force right now. I'm going to lose my mind I swear.



*** Also, I'll have to add to this post or have a new one when I calm down that isn't swearing and angry bursts.

I figured out my problem. I’m always waiting for what I want. Always. First I was waiting to graduate high school, so I could go to beauty school. Then my parents said I had to get a degree before they would pay for it. Luckily, that only lasted a semester. Then I waited to finish school.






Oh, and it happens with Steve too. I waited for him to finish boot camp and tech school. Then we had to wait for a new class for tech school, so he was there a month longer. Then there was the constant waiting until the next time we saw each other. Then, we were waiting for me to graduate so I could move up there.



That’s about where we are now. And still waiting. Oh, I forgot to share the good news. I got a job. Yeah, I called this lady about a job, one of my clients get her nails done there, and she recommended me. I went in, expecting an interview. Basically she just told me about the salon and how everything works. I had the job just like that. It’s a booth rental, so I just pay her rent every week, and basically run my own business out of her salon.



Awesome, right? Yeah I thought so too. Except I have no money to get started with. I need rent money, I need my own products, I need color. It really isn’t a lot. But I have NOTHING.



So what, I finally finish cosmo school, and I go work at a restaurant or department store, just so I can afford the job I want?



I just don’t know where to go from here. I thought about getting a small loan, but I have no income, no credit, nothing. My parents won’t cosign, Steve thinks I’m crazy for getting a loan. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to get a job, but I don’t want to. I know that might sound stupid, but I feel like I’m at my breaking point right now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting.

It doesn’t help that I’m constantly waiting on my relationship with Steve. And I will be for as long as he is in the military. Nothing ever is just easy. Boot camp was basically the last thing that went like it was supposed to. Tech school was a month longer than it was supposed to be. Then he got stationed in the shittiest place ever. I don’t WANT to move to North Dakota. I can deal with it though, but it’s just another thing under the negatives. Man, I can’t believe how bad it was when I had to wait 3 months to see him. Here I am, almost 8 months out.



So now Steve is going on a TDY. Far, far away until October. That will be more than a year of us not seeing each other. I feel bad complaining about it, because he’s not deployed. I don’t have to deal with being terrified for his safety. That’s a big part of it though. Bear with me before you let that bother you.



Steve isn’t in a warzone. He’s not stuck across the ocean. Well, now he’s going to be, but he hasn’t been for the last 6 months. He’s been 1600 miles away. That's it. Easy flying distance. I just don’t understand how we just haven’t figured out a way to see each other for this long. It’s like, of course he has to go away now. Because we weren’t using the time we had.

Alright, so I’ll get through the next five months. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to do it, but I will. I don’t have any other choice. I love him so much, I’ll always wait.

So guess what happens after that! He’ll be back in ND for a few months, and then he’s off to Korea for a year. Really? Come on.

Yeah, so I got it all out.







Oh, let me add. Steve thinks that once I start working, it will be easier for me and I won’t miss him as much. Yeah right. Thanks babe, but no, that’s not how it works. I wish I could compartmentalize like you.

The One I Fell in Love With

Look at this guy.

This was his 'uniform'.

He spends his days doing this...

Maybe even a little of this...

There was always time for this.

This was as complicated as his days got.

I really miss this.

What I would give to see this guy every day.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how different things were in high school. I just got to thinking about the things I miss about Steve. I miss that he was so carefree. Everything was all about fun. He didn't need to stress about money. He worked, but only enough to get by. His days were about fun. We could spend an entire day doing nothing. Or we could do everything.

I think maybe that is the best way to fall in love. When you don't have the hard things to bother you, everything is good.

Anyway, so I was thinking about how good it would be if things were back like that. How awesome would it be if Steve were home? It would be so cool if he got to go skating with his friends all the time. He could have a regular job, a regular life.

That would be perfect, right?

But then I really started thinking about it, and I realized that I wouldn't want it any other way.

I couldn't see Steve spending his life in a place like this. He's so much more.

The love of my life is meant to be in the military, and I wouldn't ask for anything else.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

A year ago, the weekend Steve graduate BMT.

I am a mess.

I go to school Monday through Friday, 9 to 4:30. So, every day of the week, I wake up anywhere between 7 and 8. Today? I woke up at 3:00. I wish I could say a.m. That would be pretty crappy, but better than the alternative.

No... today I didn't wake up until 3 in the afternoon. I have no idea how this happened. It's now after 6 and I still haven't gotten dressed. I feel like crap.

Steve left a year ago tomorrow. I hate this. The Air Force is awesome. Really. I fully support what Steve does. I'm so proud of him. I love telling people that my boyfriend is in the military. I just wish that made it hurt less.

BMT

I went to Steve's graduation! Ok, so it was over a month ago, but I completely forgot about this blog. Sad, right? Anyway... onto the grad.

This was the first time we saw Steve. Linda had gotten there right before the coin ceremony started, and took Kylee for a walk. The went over to the road behind the bleachers, and called me over, because that was where all of the graduates were lining up to march in. Luckily, we were able to find Steve, which was very exciting. Here are some pictures a little closer up...


Because of where Linda, Kylee, and I were, we were blocked from getting back into the coin ceremony, which was a little disapointing, but I have to say it was worth it to see Steve. Once the ceremony ended, everyone in the bleachers was allowed to go find their Airman (well, I don't think they were Airmen at that point, but I'm going to use that term anyway.) I pretty much ran over to where I knew Steve would be. We were given a map before the ceremony which showed where each of the flights would be standing. I have to say, it is quite difficult running perpendicular to where everyone else is going. Anyway, I got to where Steve should have been, and found him by spotting Scott's hair.

After taking a few pictures (which I'll post later), we went to lunch.
I'll have to post the rest of this later. Got to get to work!.

The first day...

So, I decided to start this blog to keep track of what goes on in my life, and to keep people updated on things. As of right now, I have two more days left of the first semester of my first year of college. I'm currently avoiding writing my final paper, which is due tomorrow morning. After this semester ends, I'll just be working and hanging out around the house.

Steve left for BMT yesterday, and offically arrived on the base today. He was able to call me twice yesterday, once he got to the hotel, and again for a quick goodnight. My phone woke me up this morning at about 4:45am, which was a pleasant suprise. I was able to talk to him until about 5 o'clock, when he had to leave for the bus. The bus took them to MEPS (military entrance processing station) and after signing the final papers, he took a plane to TX. To my suprise, he was able to call me from the airport, while he was waiting for his drill instructor. That made my day. I was so shocked I almost cried (happy tears, I promise). I don't know when I will get to talk to him next. I can write, but phone calls are whenever the instructors feel like it.

I guess my life will be working, hating my job, looking for another job, and missing Steve. Of course there will be other things, and I hope to find something to fill my time, but those are the big things that come to mind.