Blegh.

So today I went down to the base to get my ID and all that paperwork set up. Steve was only alive 5 days after we were married. He went back up to his base on Saturday, and died on Monday. He would have done everything on Monday, but the base was mostly closed down because of the snow. SO, I got to do it all today.

It was actually really nice to be on a base. It felt like home. It's where I should be. I got to show my dad the BX and commisary, which aren't impressive, but their part of the whole military culture. It was nice to show something that was meant to be part of my life.

I think the most important thing I need to share, is that the lady we've been working with through the casualty assistance office is AWESOME.

I love... [Day Two]

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name. And a truth: something you love about yourself.


When I first started my blog, it was Cosmetology School and Combat Boots. Well, I graduated school, and lost part of my name. Cosmetology and Combat Boots is pretty self explanatory. I'm a hair stylist and in love with a dude in the air force. Right now, the cosmetology part isn't in my life much. I can't find a job doing hair. It blows.




Anyway, something I love about myself is my ability to change. Being with a guy in the military really helped with this one, and really requires me to be this way too. I don't really look at anything as set in stone anymore. Everything is pretty temporary, and I'm ok with that. Steve tells me he's coming home an month later? Ok, no problem. I work at a shitty job trying to talk people into buying cellphones? No big. Not forever.






Also, to make up for my shitty picture in the last post, here's one from this weekend.

Let's talk Steven.

So I just realized, I haven't talked about Steve much lately. Usually I can't shut up about the guy.

Well, first let's talk about what he's been up to. He went TDY to Guam at the beginning of June. From what I've always heard was that those last weeks, or maybe a month or two. Wellll, Steve will be there until November. The way he explained it to me was that he will most likely be there 179 days, because at 180 days it is considered a tour of duty. He said he probably wouldn't leave any earlier, because they want him there the max time. He also said that even if he did go over the 179 days, they could say "Hey, jk, no TOD, but here's a pin."

Oh how I love the Air Force.

So right now, I'll most likely see Steve in less than 100 days. I'll get to see him after not seeing him for over a year. I am so excited.

And then it'll all go away, because he'll be leaving for Korea for a year. I keep begging him to just let me go with him, and we'll do the two year thing. For some reason he thinks that's a bad idea. Heh.

So back to Guam. Steve was excited to travel. That was a big part of why he wanted to be in the AF.

Here's something about Steve. He changes his mind more than anyone I know. He always likes something different, wants something different, is going to do something different. Sometimes I joke that I'm the only thing he's liked for a significant amount of time. So, because of his mind changing, he decided he's tired of being on an island. He hates palm trees. He doesn't like the beach. He misses North Dakota.

I had to remind him that he had a long list of reasons why he hated North Dakota, and how he said he would never go back. Hmmm.

CTRL V

To sum up how I've been feeling lately- I'm pretty sure I need to get back on meds for my depression. Oh goody.  That said, I can't organize my thoughts very well, so instead I'm just going to copy/paste an email I sent Steve.

Hey babe.
You said you would call me today, but you didn't. So it's 2 in the morning and I'm still up, just waiting.




I hate waiting.



I've been trying to be positive about everything, but sometimes I lose my grip on that. I feel like I'm an after thought again. I'm barely getting emails from you, and you haven't called me. I haven't heard your voice for 16 days. I hate that. I'm glad that you're seeing places and all that, but sometimes I wish you didn't like it as much. I know that sounds mean, but it's a lot harder for me, because I'm the one still stuck here while you're getting everything you want.


Ugh. I hate to be so negative, but I can't really keep the fake front on all the time. I want to badly to always be happy about everything, so you don't feel bad or anything, but I can't. I don't like this at all. I'm sick of it. I don't want another year and a half without you. And then who knows how much more time through our lives.


I won't ever have enough time and I hate that.


I love you. I can't wait for this to be over. (I'm not sure if I mean you being in Guam, or us not living together, or you being in the AF. I'm not sure.)

 Steve is the most understanding when it comes to my screwy feelings. He'll listen so patiently while I struggle to explain how I feel, even if I have a hard time figuring out the right words, or if he has to hear it through my tears. He doesn't read into things, he takes it as it is. I love that about him. Even with that though, it is so hard for me to talk to him, or any one, about how I feel about him being in the military. It isn't an all the time feeling. I do so good, and I get to proud of myself for being strong, and then it hits me so hard.


I am so proud of Steve for what he does. This isn't about that. It's about the part I wish I could give up, the part that wonders 'what if'. That said, it is so hard for me to say.

I hate to tell him sometimes. There are times when I feel like he is so selfish. I can't stand to feel that way, because I know it doesn't make sense. The only kind of person who could understand this feeling, I'm sure, is someone who has been through it. I'm giving up a lot, I'm postponing so much, I'm leaving people and things I love. I'm in a business that depends on having a steady clientele, and I won't have the security of staying in one place. I will have to start over whenever 'they' decide it is necessary. I have, and will continue to, spend time away from the man I love. I will have to accept that that Air Force comes first. I don't know if I'll get to have a wedding, or have it where I want it. I won't live near my mom when I am pregnant. I can't say for sure if Steve and/or my family will be there when I give birth.


There are so many things, and some of them matter more, some just a little. They sure add up though. They are things that one or two wouldn't be too bad, but sometimes I just want the things that most people expect.

Most times, most days, I can live with it. I've said it before- I would never ask him to do anything else. Sometimes I wonder why he can't be the one to choose something else. I'm giving up so much to be with him, so he can live his dream. Why can't he choose me?


I think overall, I'm afraid of time. I want my time with Steve. I don't want to go through this and feel like I didn't get enough. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for something the times that I'm with him.



Honestly, I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like I'm asking for sympathy. I don't want it. I'm doing this, I'm aware of how much it might suck. I know how it feels to be without him. I just not strong enough to keep the bad stuff inside though. I try so hard, because no one here understands, even if they try. Steve gets it, for the most part. I'm always worried that instead he'll hear, "I resent you for doing this and it isn't worth it." That's not it at all. I'm just not good enough at this to be ok with it all of the time.

I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

As usual, I've calmed down.

Ok. I knew that I needed a few days to breathe before I logically explained this. We're going bullet points, because I like it that way.

• Steve is in Guam until November. As much as I miss him, this is really cool. He loves it there already. He hasn't gotten into a set shift yet, so we haven't figured out times to talk. This is the longest we've gone without talking since BMT. I haven't talked to him since the 1st. We've emailed and Facebook'd, which is good. I'm waiting to see pictures, which I might post on here.Anyway, I'm not staying on point.
• After Steve leaves Guam, he'll go back to Minot until December. So he has about a month off. I'm definately hoping to go up there, and I'll be there as long as we can afford. We don't know if he can come here, but if he can that would be really cool. It's always nice having him here, because we can just hang out at the house all day and he can see his family and friends and all that.
• So mid-December, he'll go to Korea and be there for a year. I have no idea if he'll get time off or get to visit, or if I can go there, I really don't know. Again, this is good because he gets to travel and because that's a year longer of saving money that we get before I move wherever.
• Also, I probably will never have to live in Minot (bonus!).
• I'm not fully trusting this, because everytime I get my hopes up things change. BUT, they are telling Steve he gets to pick his next station after Korea. We're either thinking Colorado, Phoenix, or Tucson, because that will keep us around family, or going all out for Hawaii. He said something about Japan, but I'm choosing to ignore him about that. Well, it might be cool, but I'm pretty down with the US for now.
• I'm trying REALLY hard to keep looking at the good sides of this. I'm learning it from Steve, because he has the ability to find the good in everything. Funny thing, he'll complain about stuff when it just affects him, but if it affects me, he makes it seem better. :P
• I know I can do this, because I read so many blogs of other military spouses/significant others/etc that make it through long times apart. It's just so hard! I'm not worried that I can't handle it, I'm not worried that we won't last through it, I just would rather not. Duh. :)

So I'm at the library with 18 minutes left on the computer, and I REALLY have to pee, so I can't really focus on this post anymore. Next time I update, I'll try to get pictures up from when my aunt and cousins were here. It involves jumping off of cliffs and whatnot.

Warning: The only words I can think of are curse words.

So Steve is in Guam until December (as far as I know).


Then in December he's going to fucking Korea for a year. I hate the fucking Air Force right now. I'm going to lose my mind I swear.



*** Also, I'll have to add to this post or have a new one when I calm down that isn't swearing and angry bursts.

I figured out my problem. I’m always waiting for what I want. Always. First I was waiting to graduate high school, so I could go to beauty school. Then my parents said I had to get a degree before they would pay for it. Luckily, that only lasted a semester. Then I waited to finish school.






Oh, and it happens with Steve too. I waited for him to finish boot camp and tech school. Then we had to wait for a new class for tech school, so he was there a month longer. Then there was the constant waiting until the next time we saw each other. Then, we were waiting for me to graduate so I could move up there.



That’s about where we are now. And still waiting. Oh, I forgot to share the good news. I got a job. Yeah, I called this lady about a job, one of my clients get her nails done there, and she recommended me. I went in, expecting an interview. Basically she just told me about the salon and how everything works. I had the job just like that. It’s a booth rental, so I just pay her rent every week, and basically run my own business out of her salon.



Awesome, right? Yeah I thought so too. Except I have no money to get started with. I need rent money, I need my own products, I need color. It really isn’t a lot. But I have NOTHING.



So what, I finally finish cosmo school, and I go work at a restaurant or department store, just so I can afford the job I want?



I just don’t know where to go from here. I thought about getting a small loan, but I have no income, no credit, nothing. My parents won’t cosign, Steve thinks I’m crazy for getting a loan. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to get a job, but I don’t want to. I know that might sound stupid, but I feel like I’m at my breaking point right now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting.

It doesn’t help that I’m constantly waiting on my relationship with Steve. And I will be for as long as he is in the military. Nothing ever is just easy. Boot camp was basically the last thing that went like it was supposed to. Tech school was a month longer than it was supposed to be. Then he got stationed in the shittiest place ever. I don’t WANT to move to North Dakota. I can deal with it though, but it’s just another thing under the negatives. Man, I can’t believe how bad it was when I had to wait 3 months to see him. Here I am, almost 8 months out.



So now Steve is going on a TDY. Far, far away until October. That will be more than a year of us not seeing each other. I feel bad complaining about it, because he’s not deployed. I don’t have to deal with being terrified for his safety. That’s a big part of it though. Bear with me before you let that bother you.



Steve isn’t in a warzone. He’s not stuck across the ocean. Well, now he’s going to be, but he hasn’t been for the last 6 months. He’s been 1600 miles away. That's it. Easy flying distance. I just don’t understand how we just haven’t figured out a way to see each other for this long. It’s like, of course he has to go away now. Because we weren’t using the time we had.

Alright, so I’ll get through the next five months. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to do it, but I will. I don’t have any other choice. I love him so much, I’ll always wait.

So guess what happens after that! He’ll be back in ND for a few months, and then he’s off to Korea for a year. Really? Come on.

Yeah, so I got it all out.







Oh, let me add. Steve thinks that once I start working, it will be easier for me and I won’t miss him as much. Yeah right. Thanks babe, but no, that’s not how it works. I wish I could compartmentalize like you.

Holding Back.

I've been avoiding writing a real post, and I'm still not going to. I'm keeping my feelings in right now because I don't even know where to start. I have to start figuring out how to deal with them first.

I am hurt, angry, and sad. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

I don't talk to anyone about it because no one here knows what it is like. They all act like it's so easy and I need to just get on with life. Like this isn't something that I have to deal with daily. The most they've had to be away from the people they love is a month or so.

A big part of why I blog is because it's a way of communicating with people that are doing the same thing as me. Sometimes that isn't enough though.

Really, the only thing that will make me feel better right now is seeing Steve. And they won't happen until October. That's more than a year without seeing him, and it isn't even like he's deployed. It's called being really freaking poor.

I've been off my medicine since about last October, and I like it. I feel everything. I've been ok with feeling the bad things too, and the anxiety. But now I want to be on it again. It sort of helps dull things. Oh wait, that would require having money. Hmmm..



So much for not tlaking about things. Really, though, it's just the tip of the iceburg. But it helps to write. I just can't let it all out at once, because then I have to think about it.

Waiting.

So things are happening. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet though. Basically, military relationships are really, really hard. They take a lot of work, and sometimes things fall apart a little.

I have not seen the love of my life in over 7 months.

I understand that a lot of people go through this with deployments, and I'm not down playing anyones experience. This is about me, and I'm sorry if I make anyone feel like what you went through was less. I've never been through a deployment before, I have no idea what it is like. But this is what I HAVE been through.

I fell super duper ridiculously in love with a guy when I was 16.
The love of my life decided to go be a super hero in the Air Force.
I didn't see him for two months, and I felt like it was the worst thing.
I got to see him for four awesome days.
Then I got to go another three months without seeing him.
And then another four months.
And now seven months.

I'm not married to him, so it isn't as easy for us to be together. First I waited for almost 5 months to find out where he would be stationed. Then we decided I needed to go to school here, we couldn't afford for me to do it there, I couldn't work and go to school full time. So I started school here and was stuck for a year. Now that I'm done with school, he'll be on a TDY for at least 5 months. So much of our relationship has been waiting.

There are things that have happend that I don't ever want to talk about again, to anyone. There have been some really hard times. Sometimes Steve tells me that he doesn't understand how this is worth it to me, with him away so much. I don't see how he can question that. I love him more than anything

It is so worth it.

Thankful.

I really want to post something fun, or something about my day, but I can't really do that right now. Instead I'll tell you a story.

When I was in 8th grade, I thought it would be so cool to be in the army. Yeah, me of all people. This didn't last long, obviously. Anyway, there was a guy in one of my classes who also wanted to be in the army, and he was way into it. We talked a bit in high school as well, but weren't really close. The other day I was looking through facebook, finding people in my graduating class and saw him. For some reason, even though we hadn't talked for years, I added him. I looked at his page and didn't see anything military related, which I thought was a little weird, considering he'd always been so into it.

So today, about a week later, he added me back, so I figured I'd look at his page, see what he was up to. There were TONS of comments on his wall, people were saying they hoped he was doing ok and that he was in their prayers. It turns out that he is a Marine. He was in Afganistan, and just last week got hit by an IED. He lost one leg, and the other up to his knee.

This just breaks my heart. All this guy ever wanted was to serve his country. I remember him being big. Super tall, buff, confident. He played football, he always had something funny to say. I haven't talked to him about it, aside from a small comment on his facebook wall. But he was so thankful for all of the good thoughts from everyone.

It just made me think how much it would change everything if something like this happend to Steve. I really think it would break his spirit. It just hit me so hard to think of it like that.

I can honestly say I have no idea what a person is thinking when they join the military. I can't imagine doing it. I have nothing but respect for the people who volunteer to give up the lives they have to serve the country. My boyfriend did it, and I still don't understand it.

This guy is 19 years old. He spent his life waiting to serve is country, and he got to do it for such a short time. I can't imagine my dream being the thing that changed my life so much.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

A year ago, the weekend Steve graduate BMT.

Difficult times.

Today was a really hard day. I need to be with Steve. This sucks. Six months is a freaking long time and this is hellish.

I want to cuddle. I miss being touched. I miss backrubs. I miss holding hands. I miss sprawling across his body and falling asleep.



He's the love of my life and I hate that I have to be apart from him

He's my best friend and I hate not having him around.

He makes me feel better than anyone else and I hate that he's not here to destress me.


I am so sick of school. 13 school days left. It isn't long at all but time is dragging ass. GAH

Blogger is my therapy.

Here's an interesting read: Not even labor contractions could keep a woman from driving to meet her husband as the guardsman returned home from Iraq.

I keep thinking of things to write about, but none of them are sticking. Since today is Valentine's Day, I've been thinking a lot about all of the holidays that I've been without Steve. Two Christmases, two New Years, two Valentines, The Fourth of July, and many other little ones.

Since I've seen him?
158 days.
22 1/2 weeks.
6 months.
That's half a year. My goodness.

I've had all of this weighing down on me in the days leading up to today. I got a text from Steve just past midnight wishing me a happy Valentines Day, and saying that he loved me. Then, the first thing I saw when I got on the computer this morning, was an email from a fellow blogger. She just thought to send me an email because as a fellow mil-spouse, she knows what it is like to spend holidays apart. That really lifted my spirits.

It really reminded me of why I blog. It helps to get all of the feelings out, and it is so nice having a community of people that have been through what I'm going through. I've had a few friends who were mil-spouses, but they either moved to be with them or the relationships ended. A lot of people at school are sympathetic, but it doesn't mean as much when they don't know what it is like.

When I see how many other women do this, and do it with strength, it gives me hope. I want to be a strong person. I want to be successful, have hobbies, have friends. I want to be busy. I'm getting there.

Being with Steve is worth all of this. Even when I just get to see him for a week, it is worth every day of waiting. I think Mrs. G.I. Joe  says it the best in her post at ACU's, Stiletto Shoes, and Pretty Pink Tutus
"If he were only able to be home 1 single day a year for the rest of our lives I'd still be happier with him then I would be with anyone else. "

But I still can't wait to see him every day. To wake up next to him. To spend holidays together.

Lessons of the Military

Here are some things I've learned about myself since Steve has been in the military.
1. A 4 am phone call never bothers me.
2. When I can say he’s ‘only’ been gone a month.
3. The smallest text or call can make my day.
4. A text or call when I’m not expecting it makes me giddy.
5. The preview for Dear John made me cry, and I watch the military commercials
6. My pajamas consist of Steve’s t-shirts and some shorts.
7. I wasn’t keeping track, and I realized it had been 4 months since I’d seen Steve
8. I’m love his voicemails.
9. Since BMT, it has become a habit to check the mail.
10. I still write letters, I just keep them.
11.A phone call to say goodnight makes me smile.
12. If I don’t hear from him OF COURSE something is wrong. I’m growing out of this one.
13. I can honestly say the time apart gave our relationship strength.
14. I feel bad about things like Steve not going to a Super Bowl party.
15. When people complain about not seeing their spouses for a few days or a week, I just want to go off.
16. ABUs are the best thing in the world.
17. I’ve never dealt with this range emotions. I can feel a thousand different things in five minutes. And I can’t stay mad at him.
18. I’ve developed a habit of never being without my phone.
19. I feel like a failure if I miss a call.
20. I’ve developed a love for uniforms.
21. I have to remember that people might be a little shocked when I tell them what Steve does. And I’ve told so many people in “dummy” terms that the other day I blanked when telling an AF vet.
22. Seeing each other for a weekend is amazing.
23. I’ve learned military time… kind of.
24. Staying up until all hours to talk on the phone is a given.
25. An “I love you” over the phone makes all my problems go away.
26. I’ll be mad at him for not calling, but when it’s because of work, that’s no problem.
27. Listening to the same voicemails never gets old.
28. I love military movies.
29. I reread letters, texts, emails, and myspace messages.
30. It doesn’t shock me when plans are changed.
31. I’ve set my alarm for 4 am so I can call him before he goes to work.
32. I have to fight to not snap when someone asks me if I miss him, when they say “I couldn’t do it”, when they tell me about their sister/friend/cousin with a military spouse.
None of these things make me feel better. Really. No, I don’t miss him. I really like the space. He was getting a little clingy. You don’t think you can do it? I wonder that often myself. You know what? It’s because he means everything to me, and he loves the Air Force. Oh, and even if you think so, it doesn’t make me feel better to know how long it has been since your sister has seen her husband.

145

145 days apart just isn't normal. I hate this. I want to be with Steve. I want to fall asleep next to him. I want to wake up with him. I want to make him dinner. I wantt these to be normal things, not just something I get to do for a week.


I need someone to help me.

I am a mess.

I go to school Monday through Friday, 9 to 4:30. So, every day of the week, I wake up anywhere between 7 and 8. Today? I woke up at 3:00. I wish I could say a.m. That would be pretty crappy, but better than the alternative.

No... today I didn't wake up until 3 in the afternoon. I have no idea how this happened. It's now after 6 and I still haven't gotten dressed. I feel like crap.

Steve left a year ago tomorrow. I hate this. The Air Force is awesome. Really. I fully support what Steve does. I'm so proud of him. I love telling people that my boyfriend is in the military. I just wish that made it hurt less.

The first day...

So, I decided to start this blog to keep track of what goes on in my life, and to keep people updated on things. As of right now, I have two more days left of the first semester of my first year of college. I'm currently avoiding writing my final paper, which is due tomorrow morning. After this semester ends, I'll just be working and hanging out around the house.

Steve left for BMT yesterday, and offically arrived on the base today. He was able to call me twice yesterday, once he got to the hotel, and again for a quick goodnight. My phone woke me up this morning at about 4:45am, which was a pleasant suprise. I was able to talk to him until about 5 o'clock, when he had to leave for the bus. The bus took them to MEPS (military entrance processing station) and after signing the final papers, he took a plane to TX. To my suprise, he was able to call me from the airport, while he was waiting for his drill instructor. That made my day. I was so shocked I almost cried (happy tears, I promise). I don't know when I will get to talk to him next. I can write, but phone calls are whenever the instructors feel like it.

I guess my life will be working, hating my job, looking for another job, and missing Steve. Of course there will be other things, and I hope to find something to fill my time, but those are the big things that come to mind.