Let me just tell you.

Let me just tell you. There is nothing like making my life difficult to make me feel like the military really does not give a shit that my husband is dead. Here's the thing. Nothing that has anything to do with my benefits has been easy. Look, if I'm supposed to be getting these benefits because my husband died, and the Air Force takes care of their own, if they really want to take care of me, then why do I constantly feel like I'm getting tossed aside?

I decided that I needed to do something with my life. I'm not ok staying as a hairstylist. If I'm going to be single, if I'm going to be the only one bringing anything to my life, I need to step it up a little. This summer I decided to go back to school for nursing. I thought about doing it a few years ago, and I feel like helping people in some way. After going to the local college no less than five times, constantly needing answers so I could fill out the paperwork needed to get my benefits, I finally thought it was working out. I registered late, so most of the pre-reqs for the nursing program were full. I was able to get into 2, and figure I would take two extra classes to fill my schedule. They weren't related to my degree, but they seemed interesting to me.

So, now I'm registered for four classes, I have my books, and I'm supposed to start school on Monday.

I just got an email saying that the VA will not pay for any classes that are not directly related to my degree. No one told me anything about that. So now I have about $600 or so dollars in tuition and books that I have to pay for out of my pocket.

Oh, also, if I'm not going full time, I will only get half of the benefits, so I won't be able to afford to just go to school, I'll have to work through the entire school year.

And another thing, I went to college for a semester before cosmetology school, and hated it. I failed most of the classes. If I take 12+ credits and pass all of my classes, I can drop that semester and raise my GPA.


I feel like most of this is whiny or entitled. Maybe for the average person. But I am a military widow. As military spouses we are PROMISED that we will be taken care of if the worst happens. I don't feel like that promise has been kept.

Even past the schooling part, none of this is easy. I have had to fight for every benefit I'm "supposed" to get. Everything I've promised would happen to take care of me because my husband promised to serve his country.


I hate that every step I try to take to improve my life gets me pushed back a little further.

Active duty or retired?

Today I went to a doctor's office here that I hadn't been to before, so they got all of my medical history and insurance information. Well, since I have Tricare, I just gave them my military ID. The receptionist made a copy and then we had the following conversation-

Receptionist- Ok, is it active duty or retired?

Me- Uh.... what? Oh, for the Tricare?

Receptionist- Yeah, active duty or retired?

Me- *big fat pause* Uh..... neither? I don't know, I'm pretty sure I have Standard

Receptionist- *big fat pause* OH, I'm sorry.

At first I didn't think she *got* it, but then I realized she did. Oh well, I'm used to people finding out.

Then when I went back into the room, the nurse took all of the same medical history I filled out when I got there. She asked my marital status, and after yet another big fat pause, I told her widowed. I'm still not used to that yet. Yes, I am well aware that I'm a widow, but I feel married. I feel like my marital status IS married. So, here is where we have ANOTHER big... fat... pause. "How OLD are you?!" I told her, 21, and she immediately asked if he was in the military. Yup. Then she went on to tell me about her paratrooper brother and all of his deployments. I didn't even clarify that Steve died stateside, by a stupid accident. Honestly, I hate that it matters to people how old I am and how he died.

Days like this make me wonder if the nurses wait until I've left the office before they talk about the poor 21 year old whose husband died, or if that's what I could hear them whispering about outside the door.

Angry.

This could potentially be a really long post, but I'm tired and my brain is wandering, so I'll shorten it up.

I'm angry for Steve for so many reasons. Reread that if you need to. For Steve, not at Steve.

I think that the thing I'm angry about the most isn't what people expect. I'm so angry at how he died. Steve told me once that he would have been ok going to fight for the military, and dying from the war. Steve was all about America, and the perfect kind of guy to be in the military. That was the only thing he ever said to me about dying. If someone like Steve has to die, if someone so young has to die, it should be what they feel is a good cause, or whatever.

A life like that shouldn't be taken because of an accident. If I had to lose my 19 year old husband, it should have made more sense. It shouldn't have been a dumb freaking accident.

*Edit*

I would just like to add, in case it isn't obvious, that I don't think a person dying in the war makes their death ok. It is still a horrible horrible thing. I'm just saying in Steve's life, it would have been more acceptable to him. He would be SO mad if he were here to see what happened.

The last time.

Three days ago was our six month "anniversary of being married. Which only reminded me what is coming on Monday. Today though, has been six months since I saw him, touched him, and kissed him goodbye.

Miss juice bb.

Breakthrough

I joined a website for widow/ers at about a month out, and a lot of times I can use it as a sounding board for my feelings. It makes me realize how "normal" my feelings are. It is a pretty well known thing there that you are NUMB for awhile after the loss of your spouse. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it here before. Obviously you miss your spouse and you are incredibly sad, but your brain doesn't GET IT.

I keep thinking that I'm out of that fog, and then I regress. I hate the fog. It sounds like it would be nice to not feel things as intensely, but it is hell for me. I can't understand my feelings, I can't understand my life, I can't understand my thoughts. Well, I can't really ever understand any of that lately, but it's different. It's so hard to explain.

I've realized in the past month or so, that I've been changing. My grief seems to focus on one thing for awhile, and then I get used to focusing on that thing. Then, I fall back into numbness, have a few breakdowns, and come out with a new grief focus. For example, I would be heartbroken over losing my best friend for about a week, and then my brain will shut down for a few days, and then I'll be SO sad for Steve for not getting a full life, and that will be the main thing I'll be sad about for awhile. It is almost like my mind can't handle being sad about more than one thing at a time.

I feel like I have regressed hard. I think it started right before Steve's birthday (this last Sunday) and Memorial day (this last Monday). I felt an emptiness. I couldn't understand what happened. Logically, I knew Steve was gone, but the emotional side of my brain felt like he was just gone to Guam or something. We spent to much time apart it was kind of a normal thing. I think it might make grieving harder for me in the long run. I've been hiding from my feelings. I've been busy the past few days, and so I've been focusing my mind on that as much as I can.** Getting out of "the fog" is sort of like riding a bike up a hill. You have to work to get to the peak, and once you're to the other side, you fly to the bottom. I keep trying to push myself out of the numbness, because it feels so wrong. I don't want to feel so disconnected from Steve. It confuses me and I don't like it.

Well, I've had a breakthrough tonight, and I'm back to my grieving. I think I might be in a "grieving the future we lost" phase. Doesn't help that I'm looking for a place to move. I don't know.



**It is amazing how much my mind is able to multi-task. It doesn't matter how busy I am, or what I am doing, I'm thinking about Steve every waking minute.

Lost

I just don't know what to do. It's been five months today. I miss my best friend. Even the annoying, stubborn, know it all parts.

One of these days I'll get around to posting about our wedding. It's a lot of pictures though, and I'm lazy and unmotivated. On a happier side, things are starting to work out. I mean, they still suck, but the other things that added to my stress are starting to go away.

May Flowers.

May can suck it. I'm not ready for it.

May 2009

Here's what I will thinking about this month. May 7, 2007, Steve asked me to be his girlfriend. In my car, in the parking lot of the high school. Awww. May 23, 2008 I graduated high school. Baller. Steve went to the grad night party and we got back together. May 29 should be his 20th birthday. May 31 last year he was on his way to Guam. I wish he stayed there forever and ever.

May, we're fighting. I hate you.

Darlin.

Babe it has been 4 months, 4 long, hellish, soul crushing months.

   

@ Steve's BMT grad Feb 09

Hiking Thumb Butte, March 09

  

Playing on some old train tracks, Sept 09

Steve's fort in Guam

After getting our marriage license

On our way to the airport, the last day I saw him

Widow brain.

Widow brain. It's a crazy thing. I can't really explain it. You forget things, you lose things, hell, your brain makes things up. Today was interesting.

Today is my day off, so I figured I would try to be productive. My car payment was due five days ago, so I figured I would pay it today. Because that is how I roll. So I got ready, and headed out. I couldn't find my checkbook, so I figured I would get cash. Well, I ended up at Target, trying to figure out where I had been going.

Well, I'm home now, and the car payment still isn't paid. But I have these now...

I feel pretty good about it.

Some other examples:

-not knowing where I am about a mile away from my house

-confusing what happened to Steve with the shootings in Tucson, and thinking he was shot in the head

-I'm sure there are quite a few more, but I can't remember. Surprise surprise.

Scared to sleep.

I’ve wanted to write for so long. It is so hard to get my thoughts together though. I feel like if I had a written copy of my thoughts for the past 3+ months, every other sentence would be on a different topic.

It is hard to put pain into words. I feel like trying to describe my pain is like trying to describe the love I have for Steve. It might even be harder.

My dreams are starting to hurt. I always dreamed a lot, but after Steve died, I’ve only had a few dreams. Last night, I’d call it more of a nightmare, and it played in my head over and over.

I was at the hospital, and I knew Steve was there, but I couldn’t find him. I was in an emergency room or something, where all of the sections are closed off by curtains. I kept opening them and looking for him. I could hear him trying to breathe. That is the most terrifying sound I’ve ever heard. It was like, a gargling gasping desperate attempt to breathe.

I finally found him and he looked ok. He didn’t have a shirt on, and his body was fine, just like it was supposed to be.

Then it was like by brain skipped or something, because I blinked, and then his chest was torn open and he was bleeding everywhere.

The same exact dream replayed about three or four times last night.

It’s safe to say I’m terrified to sleep tonight.

It’s weird, because even though I wasn’t there, I see him getting shot all day long. It constantly plays in my mind. This is the first time that something different happened though, and it was like I was supposed to be helping him.

Days.

100 days since I saw his face, touched his skin, and kissed him goodbye.

Three.

Three weeks after Steve died, I got hired at a new job. Here we are three months later. I'm tired. It's nice being back in the "normal" world, but I think I need a break. I'm tired.


I need some time to mope. I need some time to sleep. I need some time to wallow. I need some time out of the "normal" world.

Damn it. Shit. Frack.

I am so angry! This hurts too badly. This is just wrong. A 20 year old should not be a widow. A marriage should not last only 5 days. A 19 year old should not lose his life.

Fuck.


This is wrong. I keep waiting to wake up.

Because sometimes I just don't have my own words.

Seven weeks. It hurts like hell.

Bed

Today I'm only getting out of bed for coffee and laundry.


It's that sort of day.

How you can help me.

I found this on a forum for those who have lost a spouse. I like it.






HOW YOU CAN HELP ME 

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more 
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk 
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get 
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know 
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You 
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid 
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I 
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come 
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You 
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you 
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I 
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel 
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm 
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after 
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For 
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was 
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our 
children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the 
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled 
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my 
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and 
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, 
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. 
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has 
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just 
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and 
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't 
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start 
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, 
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes 
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get 
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on 
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think 
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So 
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and 
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget 
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your 
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need 
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in 
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you 
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could 
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you 
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the 
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't 
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the 
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach 
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I 
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me 
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up 
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, 
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations

where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. 
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel 
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm 
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't 
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to 
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't 
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my 
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. 
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank 
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need 
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be 
with you.

Winter can suck it.

I was ready to tell the rest of the story today. I need to get it out. I've been avoiding my blog because I don't know what to say. But I was talking to one of Steve's friends, and I remembered something.

Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.

It was our chance to make winters not suck.


And then he died. So, there goes my winters.

Worst month.

The Crawdaddy

5/29/91-12/20/10

What I want.

I want my husband back.

I don't have words.

I've always felt my emotions pretty strongly. Not lately though.

I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.

I should feel it more than this. I should get it.

I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.


I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.

I miss that goofy face.