Ok.

Today I decided that it's ok that I'm not ok.


And it's ok that I don't want to be ok.

Mr Johnny Cash

Word.

How you can help me.

I found this on a forum for those who have lost a spouse. I like it.






HOW YOU CAN HELP ME 

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more 
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk 
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get 
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know 
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You 
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid 
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I 
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come 
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You 
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you 
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I 
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel 
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm 
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after 
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For 
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was 
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our 
children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the 
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled 
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my 
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and 
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, 
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. 
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has 
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just 
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and 
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't 
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start 
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, 
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes 
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get 
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on 
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think 
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So 
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and 
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget 
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your 
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need 
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in 
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you 
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could 
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you 
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the 
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't 
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the 
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach 
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I 
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me 
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up 
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, 
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations

where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. 
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel 
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm 
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't 
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to 
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't 
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my 
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. 
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank 
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need 
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be 
with you.

Winter can suck it.

I was ready to tell the rest of the story today. I need to get it out. I've been avoiding my blog because I don't know what to say. But I was talking to one of Steve's friends, and I remembered something.

Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.

It was our chance to make winters not suck.


And then he died. So, there goes my winters.

Worst month.

The Crawdaddy

5/29/91-12/20/10

12/15/10

I am so in love with you.

What I want.

I want my husband back.

A month ago today.

A month ago today, was our last unmarried day together. That day we went to the courthouse to get our marriage licence and got my ring sized. Yeah, we are huge procrastinators. Everything worked out perfect though. Then we had lunch with his mom, and I think dinner with my family. I remember we could barely sleep that night because we were so excited. Ok, I could barely sleep. Steve was out.

I don't have words.

I've always felt my emotions pretty strongly. Not lately though.

I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.

I should feel it more than this. I should get it.

I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.


I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.

I miss that goofy face.

There was no knock.

As someone who loves a person in the military, you always hear about the knock. I didn't get a knock. I am finally starting to remember what happened, so here goes.


The last time I talked to Steve was the day that he died. It was earlier in the day, sometime in the afternoon. I went to a local resort that does a gingerbread house display with my mom and brother. While I was there Steve called me. He wanted to get the information he needed to do all of the "new military wife" paperwork. His last day he was taking care of me. I think we were doing Christmas shopping, and I was texting Steve the whole time.

Steve was talking about how he wanted more guns, and I told him one gun for each baby he gave me. He didn't find that as hilarious as I did. Then we talked a little bit about him going to Korea, and that was it.


I went out to dinner with my family, and then my parents went to the mall while my brother and I went to Target. I wanted to get wrapping paper for Christmas. When I missed the first call, I think I was looking at the bedding, thinking that I had to ask Steve what size bed we should get. I checked my phone and noticed that I missed two calls and had a message. I knew it was a Minot number, which scared me a little, but I didn't really think about it. The message was someone from the base police. Stupid me, I just figure Steve did something dumb and got arrested. If only. All he said was that it was an emergency. I called him back (still in Target of course), and he told me that Steve had been shot in the stomach by accident.

I felt sick.

I had a meltdown in the parking lot, which scared the shit out of my brother, and he called my parents to come. In the parking lot and on the way home we called Steve's family. All we knew was that he was shot in the stomach and he was ok.

After freaking out a little bit, I started to feel ok. I was SO sure that he would be ok. Stomach? Not a huge deal. He's a tough guy, he's in shape, no big deal.


I've been trying to finish this for about three days, and I can't. So I guess I'll give you the rest of it later. Not that we don't know how it ends.

Back to Work.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I don't know how it is going to go. I just don't want "the look" that people are going to give me. I guess not that many people know, and those who do know were told not to talk to me about it. We'll see how that's going to go.


I also got the official hire on a hair stylist job I applied for in November. Now I need advice.

Taking on a brand new full time job three weeks after my husband died is crazy, right?

I like this.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me and if you want to, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,

Let it be spoken without effect,

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was;

There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,

For an interval,

Somewhere very near,

Just around the corner.

All is well.

By Henry Scott-Holland

Perfect

This was the most perfect day of my entire life. I'm so thankful.

Dr. LJ

So, I've had a Livejournal account since early high school. I never post in it, but I'm on it all the time reading communities. For those of you not familiar with LJ, these are basically different forums with certain interests or topics or whatever that you can join. I follow a few that are related to feminine-health things, and they are starting to really annoy me.


So here is some wisdom for the day. If you think you are pregnant, take a pregnancy test. If you haven't even missed your period yet, wait until your period. Maybe start worrying/getting anxious after you miss your period. Hell, even go to the doctor.

Posting on the internet asking a bunch of people if they think you are pregnant is stupid. They don't know. There are plenty of "pregnancy" symptoms that could be a bunch of different things. If  it is too early for a pregnancy test, the magical internet won't tell you either.


Oh, and if you are on BC, but missed a pill, AND used a condom, AND took Plan B, AND he pulled out, stop freaking out. Seriously.

Blegh.

So today I went down to the base to get my ID and all that paperwork set up. Steve was only alive 5 days after we were married. He went back up to his base on Saturday, and died on Monday. He would have done everything on Monday, but the base was mostly closed down because of the snow. SO, I got to do it all today.

It was actually really nice to be on a base. It felt like home. It's where I should be. I got to show my dad the BX and commisary, which aren't impressive, but their part of the whole military culture. It was nice to show something that was meant to be part of my life.

I think the most important thing I need to share, is that the lady we've been working with through the casualty assistance office is AWESOME.

Blogger Crisis.

I've having some doubts about my blog. There are a lot of things I LOVE about blogging. The main one is the mil-spouse community. It's nice having people who can relate to your problems.

The part that bugs me is that anyone can read it. Maybe I'll change it to being more private. I have that Google thing, where you can see how many people look at your blog on a daily basis. At first, it is pretty cool seeing how many people are reading what you talk about.
  
Right now though, it is tough. I'm putting out the most raw, honest, scary feelings that I have, and 38 people looked at it today. And a few from where I live, and where family lives. I don't know most of these people, and I'm sharing a lot with them. And then there are people who I DO know, or at least they know who I am, and they are silently reading.



I'm not sure if I can keep this, which sucks, because it really helps me work out my feelings.


*I do realize that all of this is part of blogging. Obviously, if you put things out there on the internet, people will find it. But that is part of my dilemma.

**EDIT**
Ok, so I have calmed down a bit since I wrote this. I thought about taking it down, but then I got pissed that I would have to censor myself, so I'm keeping it on here.

As of now, I'm keeping my blog, but I'm not going to be as completely open with everything. Maybe I will start a different blog for that, or do it on a different website. I definitely like being about to put my feelings out there, and it helps me feel better. I just might have to do it more anonymously.

Unspoken feelings.

I need to let out a lot of stuff. No one can understand how this feels unless they have gone through it, and even then it is different for everyone.

I'm really starting to get angry at people. There isn't a reason for my anger, I know that. The people I'm getting angry at didn't do anything wrong.

But it makes me so mad to see people continuing on in their lives. It is amazing to me how many people have decided to get married or found out that they are having a baby (or ANOTHER baby) since Steve died. I know that they aren't connected to it in any way, but it still hurts.

My entire future was taken from me. I have no idea what my life will be now. So many things were decided already, and all of that is gone. I was SO ready to be a military wife for the next 20+ years. That's gone. Steve won't be going to Korea, and I won't be moving, because he isn't getting stationed somewhere else. I won't live on a base, I won't be part of the Air Force life.

Am I still a wife? I'll always be Steve's wife, but at what point am I supposed to stop identifying myself as married? I don't feel any less married. My husband just isn't alive.

It hurts so bad that I will never have Steve's kids. I wanted that more than anything else.


My future was taken from me, so abruptly, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that everyone else gets to go on with their lives. Even other people who were close to him. Yes, they will grieve him, and it will hurt like hell, but I'm the only one whose life revolved around him and what he was doing.