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To sum up how I've been feeling lately- I'm pretty sure I need to get back on meds for my depression. Oh goody.  That said, I can't organize my thoughts very well, so instead I'm just going to copy/paste an email I sent Steve.

Hey babe.
You said you would call me today, but you didn't. So it's 2 in the morning and I'm still up, just waiting.




I hate waiting.



I've been trying to be positive about everything, but sometimes I lose my grip on that. I feel like I'm an after thought again. I'm barely getting emails from you, and you haven't called me. I haven't heard your voice for 16 days. I hate that. I'm glad that you're seeing places and all that, but sometimes I wish you didn't like it as much. I know that sounds mean, but it's a lot harder for me, because I'm the one still stuck here while you're getting everything you want.


Ugh. I hate to be so negative, but I can't really keep the fake front on all the time. I want to badly to always be happy about everything, so you don't feel bad or anything, but I can't. I don't like this at all. I'm sick of it. I don't want another year and a half without you. And then who knows how much more time through our lives.


I won't ever have enough time and I hate that.


I love you. I can't wait for this to be over. (I'm not sure if I mean you being in Guam, or us not living together, or you being in the AF. I'm not sure.)

 Steve is the most understanding when it comes to my screwy feelings. He'll listen so patiently while I struggle to explain how I feel, even if I have a hard time figuring out the right words, or if he has to hear it through my tears. He doesn't read into things, he takes it as it is. I love that about him. Even with that though, it is so hard for me to talk to him, or any one, about how I feel about him being in the military. It isn't an all the time feeling. I do so good, and I get to proud of myself for being strong, and then it hits me so hard.


I am so proud of Steve for what he does. This isn't about that. It's about the part I wish I could give up, the part that wonders 'what if'. That said, it is so hard for me to say.

I hate to tell him sometimes. There are times when I feel like he is so selfish. I can't stand to feel that way, because I know it doesn't make sense. The only kind of person who could understand this feeling, I'm sure, is someone who has been through it. I'm giving up a lot, I'm postponing so much, I'm leaving people and things I love. I'm in a business that depends on having a steady clientele, and I won't have the security of staying in one place. I will have to start over whenever 'they' decide it is necessary. I have, and will continue to, spend time away from the man I love. I will have to accept that that Air Force comes first. I don't know if I'll get to have a wedding, or have it where I want it. I won't live near my mom when I am pregnant. I can't say for sure if Steve and/or my family will be there when I give birth.


There are so many things, and some of them matter more, some just a little. They sure add up though. They are things that one or two wouldn't be too bad, but sometimes I just want the things that most people expect.

Most times, most days, I can live with it. I've said it before- I would never ask him to do anything else. Sometimes I wonder why he can't be the one to choose something else. I'm giving up so much to be with him, so he can live his dream. Why can't he choose me?


I think overall, I'm afraid of time. I want my time with Steve. I don't want to go through this and feel like I didn't get enough. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for something the times that I'm with him.



Honestly, I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like I'm asking for sympathy. I don't want it. I'm doing this, I'm aware of how much it might suck. I know how it feels to be without him. I just not strong enough to keep the bad stuff inside though. I try so hard, because no one here understands, even if they try. Steve gets it, for the most part. I'm always worried that instead he'll hear, "I resent you for doing this and it isn't worth it." That's not it at all. I'm just not good enough at this to be ok with it all of the time.

I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

Warning: The only words I can think of are curse words.

So Steve is in Guam until December (as far as I know).


Then in December he's going to fucking Korea for a year. I hate the fucking Air Force right now. I'm going to lose my mind I swear.



*** Also, I'll have to add to this post or have a new one when I calm down that isn't swearing and angry bursts.

I figured out my problem. I’m always waiting for what I want. Always. First I was waiting to graduate high school, so I could go to beauty school. Then my parents said I had to get a degree before they would pay for it. Luckily, that only lasted a semester. Then I waited to finish school.






Oh, and it happens with Steve too. I waited for him to finish boot camp and tech school. Then we had to wait for a new class for tech school, so he was there a month longer. Then there was the constant waiting until the next time we saw each other. Then, we were waiting for me to graduate so I could move up there.



That’s about where we are now. And still waiting. Oh, I forgot to share the good news. I got a job. Yeah, I called this lady about a job, one of my clients get her nails done there, and she recommended me. I went in, expecting an interview. Basically she just told me about the salon and how everything works. I had the job just like that. It’s a booth rental, so I just pay her rent every week, and basically run my own business out of her salon.



Awesome, right? Yeah I thought so too. Except I have no money to get started with. I need rent money, I need my own products, I need color. It really isn’t a lot. But I have NOTHING.



So what, I finally finish cosmo school, and I go work at a restaurant or department store, just so I can afford the job I want?



I just don’t know where to go from here. I thought about getting a small loan, but I have no income, no credit, nothing. My parents won’t cosign, Steve thinks I’m crazy for getting a loan. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to get a job, but I don’t want to. I know that might sound stupid, but I feel like I’m at my breaking point right now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting.

It doesn’t help that I’m constantly waiting on my relationship with Steve. And I will be for as long as he is in the military. Nothing ever is just easy. Boot camp was basically the last thing that went like it was supposed to. Tech school was a month longer than it was supposed to be. Then he got stationed in the shittiest place ever. I don’t WANT to move to North Dakota. I can deal with it though, but it’s just another thing under the negatives. Man, I can’t believe how bad it was when I had to wait 3 months to see him. Here I am, almost 8 months out.



So now Steve is going on a TDY. Far, far away until October. That will be more than a year of us not seeing each other. I feel bad complaining about it, because he’s not deployed. I don’t have to deal with being terrified for his safety. That’s a big part of it though. Bear with me before you let that bother you.



Steve isn’t in a warzone. He’s not stuck across the ocean. Well, now he’s going to be, but he hasn’t been for the last 6 months. He’s been 1600 miles away. That's it. Easy flying distance. I just don’t understand how we just haven’t figured out a way to see each other for this long. It’s like, of course he has to go away now. Because we weren’t using the time we had.

Alright, so I’ll get through the next five months. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to do it, but I will. I don’t have any other choice. I love him so much, I’ll always wait.

So guess what happens after that! He’ll be back in ND for a few months, and then he’s off to Korea for a year. Really? Come on.

Yeah, so I got it all out.







Oh, let me add. Steve thinks that once I start working, it will be easier for me and I won’t miss him as much. Yeah right. Thanks babe, but no, that’s not how it works. I wish I could compartmentalize like you.

Holding Back.

I've been avoiding writing a real post, and I'm still not going to. I'm keeping my feelings in right now because I don't even know where to start. I have to start figuring out how to deal with them first.

I am hurt, angry, and sad. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

I don't talk to anyone about it because no one here knows what it is like. They all act like it's so easy and I need to just get on with life. Like this isn't something that I have to deal with daily. The most they've had to be away from the people they love is a month or so.

A big part of why I blog is because it's a way of communicating with people that are doing the same thing as me. Sometimes that isn't enough though.

Really, the only thing that will make me feel better right now is seeing Steve. And they won't happen until October. That's more than a year without seeing him, and it isn't even like he's deployed. It's called being really freaking poor.

I've been off my medicine since about last October, and I like it. I feel everything. I've been ok with feeling the bad things too, and the anxiety. But now I want to be on it again. It sort of helps dull things. Oh wait, that would require having money. Hmmm..



So much for not tlaking about things. Really, though, it's just the tip of the iceburg. But it helps to write. I just can't let it all out at once, because then I have to think about it.

Waiting.

So things are happening. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet though. Basically, military relationships are really, really hard. They take a lot of work, and sometimes things fall apart a little.

I have not seen the love of my life in over 7 months.

I understand that a lot of people go through this with deployments, and I'm not down playing anyones experience. This is about me, and I'm sorry if I make anyone feel like what you went through was less. I've never been through a deployment before, I have no idea what it is like. But this is what I HAVE been through.

I fell super duper ridiculously in love with a guy when I was 16.
The love of my life decided to go be a super hero in the Air Force.
I didn't see him for two months, and I felt like it was the worst thing.
I got to see him for four awesome days.
Then I got to go another three months without seeing him.
And then another four months.
And now seven months.

I'm not married to him, so it isn't as easy for us to be together. First I waited for almost 5 months to find out where he would be stationed. Then we decided I needed to go to school here, we couldn't afford for me to do it there, I couldn't work and go to school full time. So I started school here and was stuck for a year. Now that I'm done with school, he'll be on a TDY for at least 5 months. So much of our relationship has been waiting.

There are things that have happend that I don't ever want to talk about again, to anyone. There have been some really hard times. Sometimes Steve tells me that he doesn't understand how this is worth it to me, with him away so much. I don't see how he can question that. I love him more than anything

It is so worth it.

Changes

I've hit pretty damn low in my depression. I wouldn't say rock bottom, but I'm well on my way.

There's a lot of changed that are going to have to happen in my life. Things I do, things other people do, I just need to do what it takes to take care of me. It's hard for me to do, but I really need to put myself first sometimes.

I'm still organising my thoughts, so this isn't going to have too much detail, but I'm sure I'll have quite a few venting posts in the next few days. I've been ignoring my blog, because there are just some things I need to talk about, but that would take admitting them to myself. So... here's my start.