Paranoid

Today, I came home from school and started cleaning, and almost lost it. Over the last six months I've been trying to organize all of my stuff and Steve's stuff, and make room for both. Honestly, I would probably be ok getting rid of all of my stuff and just keeping his. I really like having it around. I have pictures everywhere, of course. Then I have his watch and wedding ring on my nightstand. The closet is full of his stuff.

Anyway, as I was cleaning, I got this overwhelming feeling about my house burning down. I know that is incredibly random, but I couldn't shake it. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I don't know where it came from. Suddenly, I was freaking out that I was going to lose all of Steve's stuff. Yeah, it's just stuff, but it's more than that to me. That's all of I have left of him. Those are things he touched, things he used, things he looked at. Having his things makes me feel closer to him.

Sure, I could go with the paranoia and lock it all up in a giant fire-safe box or something. But if I did that, I wouldn't be able to enjoy those things every day.

Something needs to change

Something needs to change on my blog. First of all, I need to write more. But right now I'm talking about how it looks. How can I be Cosmetology and Combat Boots now? Sure, I'm still doing hair, but I'm going to school for nursing. I think the Combat Boots part is still relevant, I don't know. I just need to change something. I need it to look different. I need everything different. I'm different.


I don't even know the point of this post, but there you go.

Half

Plato's Symposium said that there was once man, woman, and a combo. The combo was a person with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zues was jealous of the power that human's had, so he split the combo. These people were left always looking for their other half, for their true love. It was what they needed to be complete.


I miss my half. I miss being whole.

"The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, having a name corresponding to this double nature, which had once a real existence, but is now lost, and the word ‘Androgynous’ is only preserved as a term of reproach. In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast. Now the sexes were three, and such as I have described them; because the sun, moon, and earth are three; and the man was originally the child of the sun, the woman of the earth, and the man-woman of the moon, which is made up of sun and earth, and they were all round and moved round and round like their parents. "


"When they reach manhood they are lovers of youth, and are not naturally inclined to marry or beget children,— if at all, they do so only in obedience to the law; but they are satisfied if they may be allowed to live with one another unwedded; and such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him. And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover’s intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment."

He's everywhere.

Today was my first day back to school. My first day back to school after three years. My first day back to school after decided I want to do something new. You would think that I would be excited about being in school. Which, I am. I was.

The weird thing is though is that today was one of the days where I remember that Steve is everywhere here. I forgot about the last time I was in school. He worked in the bookstore, and I would visit him between classes. We would have lunch together. I would ditch class and he would skip work and we'd watch movies and cuddle and eat pizza all day. That was our last time together before he left for boot camp. He left two days before the semester ended.

That is what I thought of the whole time I was at school. I miss my husband.

Mini vacay

Since I'm starting school, I will be either working or in school every single day of the week. Yeah, I might be crazy. Because of this, my mom and I decided to take a trip down to where my sister lives to do some shopping. We went down on Tuesday, hit TJ Maxx (why don't we have one of those?!), and Chipotle (Oh my gosh so good! We ARE getting one of those soon!). Then we went further into the city towards my sister's and more shopping. We wen to a Home Goods, a Goodwill (they're supposed to be better down there. Not really though). After we got to my sisters house we had dinner, watch some movies, and just relaxed.

The next day we got bagels, I got a huge pile of clothes from Target (theirs is bigger) waited for my sister to get out of work, had lunch, then WENT TO IKEA. I have always liked Ikea stuff, and just got my bed from there, but you can't get a lot of stuff online. I really liked it, but was having a weird day, so I felt pretty panicky the whole time and probably didn't get the whole experience. Anyway, it was fun, I spent way too much money, but it was good. I'll finally have my room finished soon! Well once I finish painting my furniture. And I mean my dad painting my furniture.

Lunch at Ra

My sister's new kitten Miso

Her pup Koji

And Honzo!

Let me just tell you.

Let me just tell you. There is nothing like making my life difficult to make me feel like the military really does not give a shit that my husband is dead. Here's the thing. Nothing that has anything to do with my benefits has been easy. Look, if I'm supposed to be getting these benefits because my husband died, and the Air Force takes care of their own, if they really want to take care of me, then why do I constantly feel like I'm getting tossed aside?

I decided that I needed to do something with my life. I'm not ok staying as a hairstylist. If I'm going to be single, if I'm going to be the only one bringing anything to my life, I need to step it up a little. This summer I decided to go back to school for nursing. I thought about doing it a few years ago, and I feel like helping people in some way. After going to the local college no less than five times, constantly needing answers so I could fill out the paperwork needed to get my benefits, I finally thought it was working out. I registered late, so most of the pre-reqs for the nursing program were full. I was able to get into 2, and figure I would take two extra classes to fill my schedule. They weren't related to my degree, but they seemed interesting to me.

So, now I'm registered for four classes, I have my books, and I'm supposed to start school on Monday.

I just got an email saying that the VA will not pay for any classes that are not directly related to my degree. No one told me anything about that. So now I have about $600 or so dollars in tuition and books that I have to pay for out of my pocket.

Oh, also, if I'm not going full time, I will only get half of the benefits, so I won't be able to afford to just go to school, I'll have to work through the entire school year.

And another thing, I went to college for a semester before cosmetology school, and hated it. I failed most of the classes. If I take 12+ credits and pass all of my classes, I can drop that semester and raise my GPA.


I feel like most of this is whiny or entitled. Maybe for the average person. But I am a military widow. As military spouses we are PROMISED that we will be taken care of if the worst happens. I don't feel like that promise has been kept.

Even past the schooling part, none of this is easy. I have had to fight for every benefit I'm "supposed" to get. Everything I've promised would happen to take care of me because my husband promised to serve his country.


I hate that every step I try to take to improve my life gets me pushed back a little further.

Active duty or retired?

Today I went to a doctor's office here that I hadn't been to before, so they got all of my medical history and insurance information. Well, since I have Tricare, I just gave them my military ID. The receptionist made a copy and then we had the following conversation-

Receptionist- Ok, is it active duty or retired?

Me- Uh.... what? Oh, for the Tricare?

Receptionist- Yeah, active duty or retired?

Me- *big fat pause* Uh..... neither? I don't know, I'm pretty sure I have Standard

Receptionist- *big fat pause* OH, I'm sorry.

At first I didn't think she *got* it, but then I realized she did. Oh well, I'm used to people finding out.

Then when I went back into the room, the nurse took all of the same medical history I filled out when I got there. She asked my marital status, and after yet another big fat pause, I told her widowed. I'm still not used to that yet. Yes, I am well aware that I'm a widow, but I feel married. I feel like my marital status IS married. So, here is where we have ANOTHER big... fat... pause. "How OLD are you?!" I told her, 21, and she immediately asked if he was in the military. Yup. Then she went on to tell me about her paratrooper brother and all of his deployments. I didn't even clarify that Steve died stateside, by a stupid accident. Honestly, I hate that it matters to people how old I am and how he died.

Days like this make me wonder if the nurses wait until I've left the office before they talk about the poor 21 year old whose husband died, or if that's what I could hear them whispering about outside the door.

Hiding

Yeah, I"ve been hiding from my blog again. Here is what I have been up to in the last month...

Swimming with Mandi and Jake

Going on walks with Mandi and Jake

Take Frank on those walks, and him only making in halfway before needing to be carried

Frank at the 4th of July parade, where I had to eventually carry him because a) he wouldn't walk any further and b) people wouldn't stop petting him as I walked by

Mandi's husband came home before his deployment, so he went to the parade with us (my brother is in the background making that very attractive face)

Mandi, her hubs, Jake, and Eli

Frank took over my bed, he now tends to sleep in the very middle

Sabs came to visit! Sabs is my bestie, and has helped me get through the last 7 1/2 months. He was Steve's best friend, they met through the Air Force. He came to visit me on his way back to ND from seeing his family.

I've started decorating my room finally, now that I can afford it. Here is my new bed (that I put together, ugh), and the wall decorations I made with scrap booking things. The "C", by the way, is for my last name, not Caitlin. In the frame to the left is our wedding date, and in the from to the right is a 3D flower I made from card stock.

Music Monday #1

Just a song.

These fleeting charms of earth
Farewell, your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
A brighter world on high

I'm a long time travelling here below
I'm a long time travelling away from home
I'm a long time travelling here below
To lay this body down

Farewell kind friends whose tender care
Has long engaged my love
Your fond embrace I now exchange
For better friends above

I'm a long time travelling here below
I'm a long time travelling away from home
I'm a long time travelling here below
To lay this body down... 

Angry.

This could potentially be a really long post, but I'm tired and my brain is wandering, so I'll shorten it up.

I'm angry for Steve for so many reasons. Reread that if you need to. For Steve, not at Steve.

I think that the thing I'm angry about the most isn't what people expect. I'm so angry at how he died. Steve told me once that he would have been ok going to fight for the military, and dying from the war. Steve was all about America, and the perfect kind of guy to be in the military. That was the only thing he ever said to me about dying. If someone like Steve has to die, if someone so young has to die, it should be what they feel is a good cause, or whatever.

A life like that shouldn't be taken because of an accident. If I had to lose my 19 year old husband, it should have made more sense. It shouldn't have been a dumb freaking accident.

*Edit*

I would just like to add, in case it isn't obvious, that I don't think a person dying in the war makes their death ok. It is still a horrible horrible thing. I'm just saying in Steve's life, it would have been more acceptable to him. He would be SO mad if he were here to see what happened.

Can't Brain.

I can't really get my thoughts together enough to really write anything, so I'll just do a brief update.

I got a dog. His name is Frank. I also moved into a house with Mandi and Jake, which has been really cool so far. Steve's cousin Arrick is in the Navy, and his wife Mandi moved back here with their baby while he is out to sea. 

My brain isn't really on enough right now to write, but I feel like I've abandoned my blog. More avoiding my feelings and whatnot.

The last time.

Three days ago was our six month "anniversary of being married. Which only reminded me what is coming on Monday. Today though, has been six months since I saw him, touched him, and kissed him goodbye.

Miss juice bb.

Wedding Recap #1- Dress Shopping

So I think I'm going to finally get around to posting about our wedding! I loved our wedding. It was perfect. It fit us so well, and it was the happiest time of my life. 

Steve and I had been talking about getting married since he went into the Air Force. We were young, and knew it would be best to wait. Sometimes it would cause fights, with one of us (usually me) wanting it and the other (usually him) wanting to wait. So for a long time, we stopped talking about it. I think it was in July, and I asked him if he'd "thought about the m word". I can remember it clearly. I was sitting on the back of the couch  and straightening my mom's hair, while texting Steve. I was REALLY surprised when he sent me a text saying, "I think we should do it when I get home from Korea." I was floored. I actually said I had to think about it! I only had to think about it for a day or two, but I had ignored it for so long!

I guess that might not make sense to everyone. The thing is, we always knew we were going to get married. We just didn't know when. So, there wasn't any proposal or engagement ring, we just decided together over the phone, from opposite sides of the world. Very us, I guess.

The next step was telling our families. It was stressful, and I think all four parents suggested waiting. They didn't understand why we would get married right before he went to Korea. Then, it was that it would be easier for my family from Montana to come if we waiting until January. Eventually, I think they understood that we do things our way. I am SO glad that we were sure about what we wanted. I don't know what I would do if we hadn't been able to get married before Steve died. Being able to call myself his wife gives me something to hold onto.

I planned the whole thing, Steve told me to do whatever I wanted. Honestly though, there wasn't much to plan. I think we had the whole thing figure out in about a month. We had a courthouse wedding, but still wanted to get dressed up, have family, and a bunch of the little wedding touches.

First thing, getting a dress. The dress I ended up with was nothing like I thought I would have gotten, but I love it so much. I tried on a bunch of styles, but I'm really glad I found the one I wore. It also fit the style Steve said he liked. Bonus!

 Went shopping with my sister and my mom. Bri brought her camera to document.

 This was my go to pose for some reason... even though it gave me man shoulders.

I tried on a few veils, just to see how it looked.

My sister got distracted by the ugly ass something dresses. Prom? Quinceanera?

I made boutonnieres for all of the guys (this one wasn't finished yet).

Almost went with this one, but wasn't a huge fan of the train or how sparkly it was. 

Here it is! Pre-hemming, of course, since I'm mini.

I also made bouquets, one for me and one for Bri. 

 AND HERE ARE MY EFFING AWESOME SHOES

Balloon bouquet and veil!

Here's my bouquet, better pictures in the wedding shots. 

And the ring. Steve picked out both of them (the one's on my middle finger, the green one was a Christmas present from Steve a few years ago) while he was in Guam. I actually didn't see mine until two days before the wedding.

Breakthrough

I joined a website for widow/ers at about a month out, and a lot of times I can use it as a sounding board for my feelings. It makes me realize how "normal" my feelings are. It is a pretty well known thing there that you are NUMB for awhile after the loss of your spouse. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it here before. Obviously you miss your spouse and you are incredibly sad, but your brain doesn't GET IT.

I keep thinking that I'm out of that fog, and then I regress. I hate the fog. It sounds like it would be nice to not feel things as intensely, but it is hell for me. I can't understand my feelings, I can't understand my life, I can't understand my thoughts. Well, I can't really ever understand any of that lately, but it's different. It's so hard to explain.

I've realized in the past month or so, that I've been changing. My grief seems to focus on one thing for awhile, and then I get used to focusing on that thing. Then, I fall back into numbness, have a few breakdowns, and come out with a new grief focus. For example, I would be heartbroken over losing my best friend for about a week, and then my brain will shut down for a few days, and then I'll be SO sad for Steve for not getting a full life, and that will be the main thing I'll be sad about for awhile. It is almost like my mind can't handle being sad about more than one thing at a time.

I feel like I have regressed hard. I think it started right before Steve's birthday (this last Sunday) and Memorial day (this last Monday). I felt an emptiness. I couldn't understand what happened. Logically, I knew Steve was gone, but the emotional side of my brain felt like he was just gone to Guam or something. We spent to much time apart it was kind of a normal thing. I think it might make grieving harder for me in the long run. I've been hiding from my feelings. I've been busy the past few days, and so I've been focusing my mind on that as much as I can.** Getting out of "the fog" is sort of like riding a bike up a hill. You have to work to get to the peak, and once you're to the other side, you fly to the bottom. I keep trying to push myself out of the numbness, because it feels so wrong. I don't want to feel so disconnected from Steve. It confuses me and I don't like it.

Well, I've had a breakthrough tonight, and I'm back to my grieving. I think I might be in a "grieving the future we lost" phase. Doesn't help that I'm looking for a place to move. I don't know.



**It is amazing how much my mind is able to multi-task. It doesn't matter how busy I am, or what I am doing, I'm thinking about Steve every waking minute.

Happy birthday sweetie.

Happy birthday sweets! I love you.

Sharing

A few months ago (ok, I'll admit it, it was at least 3 or 4 months ago), Kammi at Misadventures of an Alternative Navy Spouse started doing guests posts on her her blog about different life experiences of mil-spouses. I emailed her saying that I was interested in writing a guest post, because I don't think many people hear much about the experience of being a widow. About once or twice a week since then, I have tried to sit down and write something, but I couldn't form the words to explain my feelings. Each time I tried to write it I focused on something different. Finally, last night, I realized that I don't have to explain what happens. I don't have to give a play by play of what you go through (even just on the military side of it). I just wanted to show a piece of myself.

I think the problem I had every time i tried to write it, was that I felt like I needed to give the back story every time. I needed to talk about how Steve and I started dating, and our experience with the military. I needed to talk about his death, and the things that happened after. Honestly though, sometimes those things don't matter to the story. Obviously they are a huge part of my life and who I am, but it doesn't matter how long we were together, or when he was stationed where, or how he died. The story I was trying to tell was about the pain I feel.

This was as close as I could get to showing how I feel the large majority of the time. When I'm sad, those are the things I think about. When I'm having a decent day, those are the things I think about. When I'm angry, those are the things I think about.

You can see my post here, and check out the rest of Kammi's blog. I've been reading her blog since before she was pregnant with her adorable daughter, and I think she is an amazing woman, mil-spouse, and mom.

Time does not bring relief.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied 
Who told me time would ease me of my pain! 
I miss him in the weeping of the rain; 
I want him at the shrinking of the tide; 
The old snows melt from every mountain-side, 
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane; 
But last year's bitter loving must remain 
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide. 
There are a hundred places where I fear 
To go - so with his memory they brim. 
And entering with relief some quiet place 
Where never fell his foot or shone his face 
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!' 
And so stand stricken, so remembering him. 


Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)






I'm basically posting this because I can't keep my thoughts together enough for a coherent post.

Lost

I just don't know what to do. It's been five months today. I miss my best friend. Even the annoying, stubborn, know it all parts.

One of these days I'll get around to posting about our wedding. It's a lot of pictures though, and I'm lazy and unmotivated. On a happier side, things are starting to work out. I mean, they still suck, but the other things that added to my stress are starting to go away.

May Flowers.

May can suck it. I'm not ready for it.

May 2009

Here's what I will thinking about this month. May 7, 2007, Steve asked me to be his girlfriend. In my car, in the parking lot of the high school. Awww. May 23, 2008 I graduated high school. Baller. Steve went to the grad night party and we got back together. May 29 should be his 20th birthday. May 31 last year he was on his way to Guam. I wish he stayed there forever and ever.

May, we're fighting. I hate you.

We loved with a love that was more than a love.

I was looking at some of the stuff I had saved on my computer, and found the poem Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe.

....


And then I realized Steve's name fits nicely. I have too much time on my hands. And no, this is not meant to be serious at all.

It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a dude there lived whom you may know By the name of STEVEN C; And this dude he lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. I was a child and he was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Steven C; With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted him and me. And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Steven C; So that his highborn kinsman came And bore him away from me, To shut him up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea. The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying him and me- Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea) That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Steven C. But our love it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we- Of many far wiser than we- And neither the angels in heaven above, Nor the demons down under the sea, Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Steven C. For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Steven C; And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Steven C; And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side Of my darling- my darling- my life and I’m his bride, In the sepulchre there by the sea, In his tomb by the sounding sea.

Darlin.

Babe it has been 4 months, 4 long, hellish, soul crushing months.

   

@ Steve's BMT grad Feb 09

Hiking Thumb Butte, March 09

  

Playing on some old train tracks, Sept 09

Steve's fort in Guam

After getting our marriage license

On our way to the airport, the last day I saw him

Widow brain.

Widow brain. It's a crazy thing. I can't really explain it. You forget things, you lose things, hell, your brain makes things up. Today was interesting.

Today is my day off, so I figured I would try to be productive. My car payment was due five days ago, so I figured I would pay it today. Because that is how I roll. So I got ready, and headed out. I couldn't find my checkbook, so I figured I would get cash. Well, I ended up at Target, trying to figure out where I had been going.

Well, I'm home now, and the car payment still isn't paid. But I have these now...

I feel pretty good about it.

Some other examples:

-not knowing where I am about a mile away from my house

-confusing what happened to Steve with the shootings in Tucson, and thinking he was shot in the head

-I'm sure there are quite a few more, but I can't remember. Surprise surprise.

Scared to sleep.

I’ve wanted to write for so long. It is so hard to get my thoughts together though. I feel like if I had a written copy of my thoughts for the past 3+ months, every other sentence would be on a different topic.

It is hard to put pain into words. I feel like trying to describe my pain is like trying to describe the love I have for Steve. It might even be harder.

My dreams are starting to hurt. I always dreamed a lot, but after Steve died, I’ve only had a few dreams. Last night, I’d call it more of a nightmare, and it played in my head over and over.

I was at the hospital, and I knew Steve was there, but I couldn’t find him. I was in an emergency room or something, where all of the sections are closed off by curtains. I kept opening them and looking for him. I could hear him trying to breathe. That is the most terrifying sound I’ve ever heard. It was like, a gargling gasping desperate attempt to breathe.

I finally found him and he looked ok. He didn’t have a shirt on, and his body was fine, just like it was supposed to be.

Then it was like by brain skipped or something, because I blinked, and then his chest was torn open and he was bleeding everywhere.

The same exact dream replayed about three or four times last night.

It’s safe to say I’m terrified to sleep tonight.

It’s weird, because even though I wasn’t there, I see him getting shot all day long. It constantly plays in my mind. This is the first time that something different happened though, and it was like I was supposed to be helping him.

Memories- First Date

Our first date. April 14, 2007. I asked him to prom. We got Chinese food, he bought. I drove and almost drove us into a ditch on the way there. He never let me live that down.

We both had braces. We were goofy. We were so nervous and awkward with each other. Also, notice how Steve is not smiling.

Once we were there, we all mostly just sat around and talked. Steve and I ~*slowdanced*~ to the last song and then we went back to Lauren's house to hang out.

Where Steve fell asleep. 

I later found out that he kept wanting to kiss me that night, once we were back at Lauren's but I wouldn't sit still. Funny, he said the same thing about when he first tried to ask me to be his girlfriend. We went to a lake in the area and climbed up on all the rocks. I guess I kept going around to other rocks when he got the nerve up to ask me.

What a dork.

Days.

100 days since I saw his face, touched his skin, and kissed him goodbye.