Three.

Three weeks after Steve died, I got hired at a new job. Here we are three months later. I'm tired. It's nice being back in the "normal" world, but I think I need a break. I'm tired.


I need some time to mope. I need some time to sleep. I need some time to wallow. I need some time out of the "normal" world.

Bed

Today I'm only getting out of bed for coffee and laundry.


It's that sort of day.

Winter can suck it.

I was ready to tell the rest of the story today. I need to get it out. I've been avoiding my blog because I don't know what to say. But I was talking to one of Steve's friends, and I remembered something.

Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.

It was our chance to make winters not suck.


And then he died. So, there goes my winters.

I need to pretend to be normal.

I feel like all of my posts from now on should have this giant blinking glittery disclaimer saying ~*`MY HUSBAND IS DEAD`*~ or something. Maybe someone will make one. Ok, I guess that isn't really funny, but hey, whatever gets me through it.

So in this post, I'm going to pretend to be normal. Well, normal for me. I'm going to write about the last time I saw Steve. I won't be doing things in order, I would usually write about him coming home first, and what we did, and how much it sucked that I worked, and then our wedding, and all of that. But now I get to pull the grieving widow card and do whatever the hell I want.

Another disclaimer: the bluntness, and finding humor in not funny things is really the only thing that is helping, so don't think I'm insensitive.



Ok here goes. Steve left to fly back to Minot on Dec 18th. We just bought a car on Thursday, and I was still learning to drive a manual, so we asked his dad to take us to the airport. I was pissed off at the time, but now I'm thankful for that. We had a nice morning, and went and said goodbye to everyone. After a bit of a cuddle fest at home, his dad came and we left. Steve brought a bunch of candy and about 5 Arizona iced teas. I don't know why he needed that many, since he only drank one.

We got to Phoenix pretty early, so we went to Chipotle, which none of us had been to. I took a ton of pictures with Steve, just goofing around with my phone's settings. I even got a rad night vision version of him. :P

Once we got to the airport, we hung around by the security gate for a bit. I started crying a little bit and he teased me for it. He said, "It's ok, it's only a month until I'll see you again." He is the best at making things ok. He said goodbye to his dad and stem-mom, and they waited for me by the exit. We kissed, we hugged, said our I love you's and goodbyes, and he walked off to the security. As I was leaving he called me name and said he forgot something. He came back over to me and kissed me again and said he loved me.

It was the perfect goodbye.


And now the normal is over and I'm so sick of being around people. They bitch and complain about the stupidest things. If my brother complains about not being taken to his friends house again, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be awake.

So tired.

Today sucks and I don't feel good. It's 2:45 and I just woke up.

Disclaimer- This post is useless.

I don't have time for my normal stuff anymore. Cooking, watching tv, scrap booking. I either am working or attempting to wind down.

Such as right now. I got off work at 8:30ish, and after finally filling my gas tank, I got home around 9. My normal thing to do is watch TV and mess around on the internet. Specifically watch Bones on Netflix and check my Google Reader. I want to blog. I do. I need to get my thoughts out. I love having my life recorded on here. I just can't get my brain in the right mode. This is as close as it gets.

I will not be a blogger failure.

I need to blog. I have lots going on. The amazing thing about having a life is that you don't have time to blog about it! I guess that's a good thing. No, it is a good thing.


Things are feeling better. They still blow, but I'm dealing better. I am like... bipolar about my feelings towards the Air Force. One day it makes me miserable as hell, the next I'm alright with it. Oh goodness.


Here's the basics- I'm in a salon now. I'm working on getting things going. I think it will be good. :D

I can't brain.

A post of bullet points, because I don’t think I’ll be able to form sentences, except for this one.






-Arrick is getting married in three weeks

-I like NCIS

-Driving Bri to school, free coffee

-I graduate in a freaking week. Oh my gosh

-Dude… I’m going to be WORKING. A REAL JOB. THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR. THAT I LOVE.

-Caps make me happy

-Lady at my school freaking out about having to pay for hair she didn’t like, even though we said we’d fix it. Apparently we made her pay because she’s “old and doesn’t speak good English”

-I’m so sick of school

-I currently have blue hair color in a foil on my head. Wut upppp

-Tommy taught me a way more awesome blow drying technique (I speak good English, huh?)

-I made a huge awesome cake for John’s graduation tomorrow… AND cupcakes







I really want to post, but I’m frazzled right now. I’m getting back on my anxiety medicine, and it’s screwing with my brain. I can’t focus. More on this later.

Foggy.

I'm a little out of it right now. I'm so tired!
I"m currently doing a night in with my brother. We've got pizza, gummi worms, and movies. I might not ever be able to eat again.
I just wrote about two paragraphs bitching about school, but I'm not going to even go there. Main thing of the day, I graduate March 15, and that includes taking off 4 days to go to Chicago. I won't have to go in for any more Saturadays, I'll just have to do every Tuesday and Thursday night. No problem, I've been doing it for months anyway.
This post has no point. I'm stuffed, and now I'm going to watch The Taking of Pelham 123. I love John Travolta and I love Denzel Washington.

I am a mess.

I go to school Monday through Friday, 9 to 4:30. So, every day of the week, I wake up anywhere between 7 and 8. Today? I woke up at 3:00. I wish I could say a.m. That would be pretty crappy, but better than the alternative.

No... today I didn't wake up until 3 in the afternoon. I have no idea how this happened. It's now after 6 and I still haven't gotten dressed. I feel like crap.

Steve left a year ago tomorrow. I hate this. The Air Force is awesome. Really. I fully support what Steve does. I'm so proud of him. I love telling people that my boyfriend is in the military. I just wish that made it hurt less.

Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?

I watched CSI for about 5 or 6 hours today. However, I feel like I have an excuse. My mom and I woke up feeling incredibly sick, and stayed on the couch until it was time to pick Elijah up from school. I got him, went to the library, and headed home to reunite with the couch.




Can I just mention how annoying whistling is? I really cannot stand it. Luckily for me, someone in our house loves to whistle. I won't name names.