Today, I came home from school and started cleaning, and almost lost it. Over the last six months I've been trying to organize all of my stuff and Steve's stuff, and make room for both. Honestly, I would probably be ok getting rid of all of my stuff and just keeping his. I really like having it around. I have pictures everywhere, of course. Then I have his watch and wedding ring on my nightstand. The closet is full of his stuff.
Anyway, as I was cleaning, I got this overwhelming feeling about my house burning down. I know that is incredibly random, but I couldn't shake it. I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I don't know where it came from. Suddenly, I was freaking out that I was going to lose all of Steve's stuff. Yeah, it's just stuff, but it's more than that to me. That's all of I have left of him. Those are things he touched, things he used, things he looked at. Having his things makes me feel closer to him.
Sure, I could go with the paranoia and lock it all up in a giant fire-safe box or something. But if I did that, I wouldn't be able to enjoy those things every day.
Showing posts with label Steve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Steve. Show all posts
October 19, 2011
July 9, 2011
Angry.
This could potentially be a really long post, but I'm tired and my brain is wandering, so I'll shorten it up.
I'm angry for Steve for so many reasons. Reread that if you need to. For Steve, not at Steve.
I think that the thing I'm angry about the most isn't what people expect. I'm so angry at how he died. Steve told me once that he would have been ok going to fight for the military, and dying from the war. Steve was all about America, and the perfect kind of guy to be in the military. That was the only thing he ever said to me about dying. If someone like Steve has to die, if someone so young has to die, it should be what they feel is a good cause, or whatever.
A life like that shouldn't be taken because of an accident. If I had to lose my 19 year old husband, it should have made more sense. It shouldn't have been a dumb freaking accident.
*Edit*
I would just like to add, in case it isn't obvious, that I don't think a person dying in the war makes their death ok. It is still a horrible horrible thing. I'm just saying in Steve's life, it would have been more acceptable to him. He would be SO mad if he were here to see what happened.
I'm angry for Steve for so many reasons. Reread that if you need to. For Steve, not at Steve.
I think that the thing I'm angry about the most isn't what people expect. I'm so angry at how he died. Steve told me once that he would have been ok going to fight for the military, and dying from the war. Steve was all about America, and the perfect kind of guy to be in the military. That was the only thing he ever said to me about dying. If someone like Steve has to die, if someone so young has to die, it should be what they feel is a good cause, or whatever.
A life like that shouldn't be taken because of an accident. If I had to lose my 19 year old husband, it should have made more sense. It shouldn't have been a dumb freaking accident.
*Edit*
I would just like to add, in case it isn't obvious, that I don't think a person dying in the war makes their death ok. It is still a horrible horrible thing. I'm just saying in Steve's life, it would have been more acceptable to him. He would be SO mad if he were here to see what happened.
May 29, 2011
May 20, 2011
Lost
I just don't know what to do. It's been five months today. I miss my best friend. Even the annoying, stubborn, know it all parts.
One of these days I'll get around to posting about our wedding. It's a lot of pictures though, and I'm lazy and unmotivated. On a happier side, things are starting to work out. I mean, they still suck, but the other things that added to my stress are starting to go away.
May 1, 2011
May Flowers.
May can suck it. I'm not ready for it.
May 2009
Here's what I will thinking about this month. May 7, 2007, Steve asked me to be his girlfriend. In my car, in the parking lot of the high school. Awww. May 23, 2008 I graduated high school. Baller. Steve went to the grad night party and we got back together. May 29 should be his 20th birthday. May 31 last year he was on his way to Guam. I wish he stayed there forever and ever.
May, we're fighting. I hate you.
April 11, 2011
Scared to sleep.
I’ve wanted to write for so long. It is so hard to get my thoughts together though. I feel like if I had a written copy of my thoughts for the past 3+ months, every other sentence would be on a different topic.
It is hard to put pain into words. I feel like trying to describe my pain is like trying to describe the love I have for Steve. It might even be harder.
My dreams are starting to hurt. I always dreamed a lot, but after Steve died, I’ve only had a few dreams. Last night, I’d call it more of a nightmare, and it played in my head over and over.
I was at the hospital, and I knew Steve was there, but I couldn’t find him. I was in an emergency room or something, where all of the sections are closed off by curtains. I kept opening them and looking for him. I could hear him trying to breathe. That is the most terrifying sound I’ve ever heard. It was like, a gargling gasping desperate attempt to breathe.
I finally found him and he looked ok. He didn’t have a shirt on, and his body was fine, just like it was supposed to be.
Then it was like by brain skipped or something, because I blinked, and then his chest was torn open and he was bleeding everywhere.
The same exact dream replayed about three or four times last night.
It’s safe to say I’m terrified to sleep tonight.
It’s weird, because even though I wasn’t there, I see him getting shot all day long. It constantly plays in my mind. This is the first time that something different happened though, and it was like I was supposed to be helping him.
February 10, 2011
January 25, 2011
Winter can suck it.
I was ready to tell the rest of the story today. I need to get it out. I've been avoiding my blog because I don't know what to say. But I was talking to one of Steve's friends, and I remembered something.
Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.
It was our chance to make winters not suck.
And then he died. So, there goes my winters.
Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.
It was our chance to make winters not suck.
And then he died. So, there goes my winters.
January 20, 2011
January 15, 2011
January 14, 2011
January 13, 2011
I don't have words.
I've always felt my emotions pretty strongly. Not lately though.
I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.
I should feel it more than this. I should get it.
I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.
I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.
I miss that goofy face.
I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.
I should feel it more than this. I should get it.
I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.
I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.
I miss that goofy face.
January 10, 2011
There was no knock.
As someone who loves a person in the military, you always hear about the knock. I didn't get a knock. I am finally starting to remember what happened, so here goes.
The last time I talked to Steve was the day that he died. It was earlier in the day, sometime in the afternoon. I went to a local resort that does a gingerbread house display with my mom and brother. While I was there Steve called me. He wanted to get the information he needed to do all of the "new military wife" paperwork. His last day he was taking care of me. I think we were doing Christmas shopping, and I was texting Steve the whole time.
Steve was talking about how he wanted more guns, and I told him one gun for each baby he gave me. He didn't find that as hilarious as I did. Then we talked a little bit about him going to Korea, and that was it.
I went out to dinner with my family, and then my parents went to the mall while my brother and I went to Target. I wanted to get wrapping paper for Christmas. When I missed the first call, I think I was looking at the bedding, thinking that I had to ask Steve what size bed we should get. I checked my phone and noticed that I missed two calls and had a message. I knew it was a Minot number, which scared me a little, but I didn't really think about it. The message was someone from the base police. Stupid me, I just figure Steve did something dumb and got arrested. If only. All he said was that it was an emergency. I called him back (still in Target of course), and he told me that Steve had been shot in the stomach by accident.
I felt sick.
I had a meltdown in the parking lot, which scared the shit out of my brother, and he called my parents to come. In the parking lot and on the way home we called Steve's family. All we knew was that he was shot in the stomach and he was ok.
After freaking out a little bit, I started to feel ok. I was SO sure that he would be ok. Stomach? Not a huge deal. He's a tough guy, he's in shape, no big deal.
I've been trying to finish this for about three days, and I can't. So I guess I'll give you the rest of it later. Not that we don't know how it ends.
The last time I talked to Steve was the day that he died. It was earlier in the day, sometime in the afternoon. I went to a local resort that does a gingerbread house display with my mom and brother. While I was there Steve called me. He wanted to get the information he needed to do all of the "new military wife" paperwork. His last day he was taking care of me. I think we were doing Christmas shopping, and I was texting Steve the whole time.
Steve was talking about how he wanted more guns, and I told him one gun for each baby he gave me. He didn't find that as hilarious as I did. Then we talked a little bit about him going to Korea, and that was it.
I went out to dinner with my family, and then my parents went to the mall while my brother and I went to Target. I wanted to get wrapping paper for Christmas. When I missed the first call, I think I was looking at the bedding, thinking that I had to ask Steve what size bed we should get. I checked my phone and noticed that I missed two calls and had a message. I knew it was a Minot number, which scared me a little, but I didn't really think about it. The message was someone from the base police. Stupid me, I just figure Steve did something dumb and got arrested. If only. All he said was that it was an emergency. I called him back (still in Target of course), and he told me that Steve had been shot in the stomach by accident.
I felt sick.
I had a meltdown in the parking lot, which scared the shit out of my brother, and he called my parents to come. In the parking lot and on the way home we called Steve's family. All we knew was that he was shot in the stomach and he was ok.
After freaking out a little bit, I started to feel ok. I was SO sure that he would be ok. Stomach? Not a huge deal. He's a tough guy, he's in shape, no big deal.
I've been trying to finish this for about three days, and I can't. So I guess I'll give you the rest of it later. Not that we don't know how it ends.
January 6, 2011
January 2, 2011
Unspoken feelings.
I need to let out a lot of stuff. No one can understand how this feels unless they have gone through it, and even then it is different for everyone.
I'm really starting to get angry at people. There isn't a reason for my anger, I know that. The people I'm getting angry at didn't do anything wrong.
But it makes me so mad to see people continuing on in their lives. It is amazing to me how many people have decided to get married or found out that they are having a baby (or ANOTHER baby) since Steve died. I know that they aren't connected to it in any way, but it still hurts.
My entire future was taken from me. I have no idea what my life will be now. So many things were decided already, and all of that is gone. I was SO ready to be a military wife for the next 20+ years. That's gone. Steve won't be going to Korea, and I won't be moving, because he isn't getting stationed somewhere else. I won't live on a base, I won't be part of the Air Force life.
Am I still a wife? I'll always be Steve's wife, but at what point am I supposed to stop identifying myself as married? I don't feel any less married. My husband just isn't alive.
It hurts so bad that I will never have Steve's kids. I wanted that more than anything else.
My future was taken from me, so abruptly, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that everyone else gets to go on with their lives. Even other people who were close to him. Yes, they will grieve him, and it will hurt like hell, but I'm the only one whose life revolved around him and what he was doing.
I'm really starting to get angry at people. There isn't a reason for my anger, I know that. The people I'm getting angry at didn't do anything wrong.
But it makes me so mad to see people continuing on in their lives. It is amazing to me how many people have decided to get married or found out that they are having a baby (or ANOTHER baby) since Steve died. I know that they aren't connected to it in any way, but it still hurts.
My entire future was taken from me. I have no idea what my life will be now. So many things were decided already, and all of that is gone. I was SO ready to be a military wife for the next 20+ years. That's gone. Steve won't be going to Korea, and I won't be moving, because he isn't getting stationed somewhere else. I won't live on a base, I won't be part of the Air Force life.
Am I still a wife? I'll always be Steve's wife, but at what point am I supposed to stop identifying myself as married? I don't feel any less married. My husband just isn't alive.
It hurts so bad that I will never have Steve's kids. I wanted that more than anything else.
My future was taken from me, so abruptly, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that everyone else gets to go on with their lives. Even other people who were close to him. Yes, they will grieve him, and it will hurt like hell, but I'm the only one whose life revolved around him and what he was doing.
December 27, 2010
I need to pretend to be normal.
I feel like all of my posts from now on should have this giant blinking glittery disclaimer saying ~*`MY HUSBAND IS DEAD`*~ or something. Maybe someone will make one. Ok, I guess that isn't really funny, but hey, whatever gets me through it.
So in this post, I'm going to pretend to be normal. Well, normal for me. I'm going to write about the last time I saw Steve. I won't be doing things in order, I would usually write about him coming home first, and what we did, and how much it sucked that I worked, and then our wedding, and all of that. But now I get to pull the grieving widow card and do whatever the hell I want.
Another disclaimer: the bluntness, and finding humor in not funny things is really the only thing that is helping, so don't think I'm insensitive.
Ok here goes. Steve left to fly back to Minot on Dec 18th. We just bought a car on Thursday, and I was still learning to drive a manual, so we asked his dad to take us to the airport. I was pissed off at the time, but now I'm thankful for that. We had a nice morning, and went and said goodbye to everyone. After a bit of a cuddle fest at home, his dad came and we left. Steve brought a bunch of candy and about 5 Arizona iced teas. I don't know why he needed that many, since he only drank one.
We got to Phoenix pretty early, so we went to Chipotle, which none of us had been to. I took a ton of pictures with Steve, just goofing around with my phone's settings. I even got a rad night vision version of him. :P
Once we got to the airport, we hung around by the security gate for a bit. I started crying a little bit and he teased me for it. He said, "It's ok, it's only a month until I'll see you again." He is the best at making things ok. He said goodbye to his dad and stem-mom, and they waited for me by the exit. We kissed, we hugged, said our I love you's and goodbyes, and he walked off to the security. As I was leaving he called me name and said he forgot something. He came back over to me and kissed me again and said he loved me.
It was the perfect goodbye.
And now the normal is over and I'm so sick of being around people. They bitch and complain about the stupidest things. If my brother complains about not being taken to his friends house again, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be awake.
So in this post, I'm going to pretend to be normal. Well, normal for me. I'm going to write about the last time I saw Steve. I won't be doing things in order, I would usually write about him coming home first, and what we did, and how much it sucked that I worked, and then our wedding, and all of that. But now I get to pull the grieving widow card and do whatever the hell I want.
Another disclaimer: the bluntness, and finding humor in not funny things is really the only thing that is helping, so don't think I'm insensitive.
Ok here goes. Steve left to fly back to Minot on Dec 18th. We just bought a car on Thursday, and I was still learning to drive a manual, so we asked his dad to take us to the airport. I was pissed off at the time, but now I'm thankful for that. We had a nice morning, and went and said goodbye to everyone. After a bit of a cuddle fest at home, his dad came and we left. Steve brought a bunch of candy and about 5 Arizona iced teas. I don't know why he needed that many, since he only drank one.
We got to Phoenix pretty early, so we went to Chipotle, which none of us had been to. I took a ton of pictures with Steve, just goofing around with my phone's settings. I even got a rad night vision version of him. :P
Once we got to the airport, we hung around by the security gate for a bit. I started crying a little bit and he teased me for it. He said, "It's ok, it's only a month until I'll see you again." He is the best at making things ok. He said goodbye to his dad and stem-mom, and they waited for me by the exit. We kissed, we hugged, said our I love you's and goodbyes, and he walked off to the security. As I was leaving he called me name and said he forgot something. He came back over to me and kissed me again and said he loved me.
It was the perfect goodbye.
And now the normal is over and I'm so sick of being around people. They bitch and complain about the stupidest things. If my brother complains about not being taken to his friends house again, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be awake.
December 23, 2010
Torn Apart.
I am heart broken. I feel like I have lost him twice. This whole thing is a shitstorm.
Before Steve and I were married, Steve had assigned his brother as his beneficiary/PAD. As we weren't married long, and it isn't something you typically think about, Steve never changed it. After we heard about his death, Scott signed his PAD rights over to me, giving me the ability to make choices about the funeral. I can't explain the way it feels to be able to honor a persons life.
Due to disagreements on how/where Steve would be laid to rest, his family talked Scott into removing those rights from me. I can't believe that is even something he could reverse.
No one told me. I got a call from the base in Minot informing me. No one had the balls to step up and tell me that they took my husband away from me. I have no say. His brother says that he will try to compromise between what everyone wants, but I'm not going to hold on to that.
I asked them if they really thought that Steve would have wanted that. I said that I'm the person that Steve chose to spend the rest of his life with. His dad said "No, he didn't, you were only married five days." I am so glad that Steve is not aware of what is happening. I am so thankful that he didn't hear those hurtful words. Yes, his parents and brother got 19 years with him. I wish I had that.
The thing that is holding me together is that I know without a doubt that Steve loved me more than anything in the world. I know what he would have wanted, and I will hold onto that. I will honor him in my own way, and they don't have to be part of it.
I shared an amazing love with an amazing man, and no one can take that from me. That is what gets me through the day.
Before Steve and I were married, Steve had assigned his brother as his beneficiary/PAD. As we weren't married long, and it isn't something you typically think about, Steve never changed it. After we heard about his death, Scott signed his PAD rights over to me, giving me the ability to make choices about the funeral. I can't explain the way it feels to be able to honor a persons life.
Due to disagreements on how/where Steve would be laid to rest, his family talked Scott into removing those rights from me. I can't believe that is even something he could reverse.
No one told me. I got a call from the base in Minot informing me. No one had the balls to step up and tell me that they took my husband away from me. I have no say. His brother says that he will try to compromise between what everyone wants, but I'm not going to hold on to that.
I asked them if they really thought that Steve would have wanted that. I said that I'm the person that Steve chose to spend the rest of his life with. His dad said "No, he didn't, you were only married five days." I am so glad that Steve is not aware of what is happening. I am so thankful that he didn't hear those hurtful words. Yes, his parents and brother got 19 years with him. I wish I had that.
The thing that is holding me together is that I know without a doubt that Steve loved me more than anything in the world. I know what he would have wanted, and I will hold onto that. I will honor him in my own way, and they don't have to be part of it.
I shared an amazing love with an amazing man, and no one can take that from me. That is what gets me through the day.
December 21, 2010
Speechless.
I have no words to describe my feelings. Right now, all I can handle sharing is that what happened was an accident. It was a tragic accident that will affect so many people. Please keep me, my family, Steve's family, and all of his friends in your thoughts and prayers.
All I can think is that I am so grateful for the last week I had with Steve. I will definitely want to share that, but I'm just waiting for the storm to calm right now.
August 11, 2010
Let's talk Steven.
So I just realized, I haven't talked about Steve much lately. Usually I can't shut up about the guy.
Well, first let's talk about what he's been up to. He went TDY to Guam at the beginning of June. From what I've always heard was that those last weeks, or maybe a month or two. Wellll, Steve will be there until November. The way he explained it to me was that he will most likely be there 179 days, because at 180 days it is considered a tour of duty. He said he probably wouldn't leave any earlier, because they want him there the max time. He also said that even if he did go over the 179 days, they could say "Hey, jk, no TOD, but here's a pin."
Oh how I love the Air Force.
So right now, I'll most likely see Steve in less than 100 days. I'll get to see him after not seeing him for over a year. I am so excited.
And then it'll all go away, because he'll be leaving for Korea for a year. I keep begging him to just let me go with him, and we'll do the two year thing. For some reason he thinks that's a bad idea. Heh.
So back to Guam. Steve was excited to travel. That was a big part of why he wanted to be in the AF.
Here's something about Steve. He changes his mind more than anyone I know. He always likes something different, wants something different, is going to do something different. Sometimes I joke that I'm the only thing he's liked for a significant amount of time. So, because of his mind changing, he decided he's tired of being on an island. He hates palm trees. He doesn't like the beach. He misses North Dakota.
I had to remind him that he had a long list of reasons why he hated North Dakota, and how he said he would never go back. Hmmm.
Well, first let's talk about what he's been up to. He went TDY to Guam at the beginning of June. From what I've always heard was that those last weeks, or maybe a month or two. Wellll, Steve will be there until November. The way he explained it to me was that he will most likely be there 179 days, because at 180 days it is considered a tour of duty. He said he probably wouldn't leave any earlier, because they want him there the max time. He also said that even if he did go over the 179 days, they could say "Hey, jk, no TOD, but here's a pin."
Oh how I love the Air Force.
So right now, I'll most likely see Steve in less than 100 days. I'll get to see him after not seeing him for over a year. I am so excited.
And then it'll all go away, because he'll be leaving for Korea for a year. I keep begging him to just let me go with him, and we'll do the two year thing. For some reason he thinks that's a bad idea. Heh.
So back to Guam. Steve was excited to travel. That was a big part of why he wanted to be in the AF.
Here's something about Steve. He changes his mind more than anyone I know. He always likes something different, wants something different, is going to do something different. Sometimes I joke that I'm the only thing he's liked for a significant amount of time. So, because of his mind changing, he decided he's tired of being on an island. He hates palm trees. He doesn't like the beach. He misses North Dakota.
I had to remind him that he had a long list of reasons why he hated North Dakota, and how he said he would never go back. Hmmm.
July 1, 2010
Oh, I forgot.
I forgot I hate running. Oh dang.
Luckily I also hate weighing what I weigh now. I don't want to put real numbers out there, but let's just say I have quite a bit to lose.
Anyhoozle, today I ran a loop around where our library is. 1.6 miles. It sure felt like more. I had to walk a lot of it though. Amazingly, it wasn't because I was out of breath, but my calves were so tight and cramped up. When I was still playing softball, it was always that my lungs couldn't keep up with my body. Now, my lungs are fine, but my legs are dying on me. I definitely need to do more lunges and squats and whatnot. I'm not used to my body not doing what I tell it to. Pisses me off.
Upside! Steve is somehow IMing or texting my phone through Yahoo, on his phone. Idk, but it's like texting and I love it. Even if it's 1:30 am.
Luckily I also hate weighing what I weigh now. I don't want to put real numbers out there, but let's just say I have quite a bit to lose.
Anyhoozle, today I ran a loop around where our library is. 1.6 miles. It sure felt like more. I had to walk a lot of it though. Amazingly, it wasn't because I was out of breath, but my calves were so tight and cramped up. When I was still playing softball, it was always that my lungs couldn't keep up with my body. Now, my lungs are fine, but my legs are dying on me. I definitely need to do more lunges and squats and whatnot. I'm not used to my body not doing what I tell it to. Pisses me off.
Upside! Steve is somehow IMing or texting my phone through Yahoo, on his phone. Idk, but it's like texting and I love it. Even if it's 1:30 am.
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