Bed

Today I'm only getting out of bed for coffee and laundry.


It's that sort of day.

Douche.

Last night (because I don't sleep for hours), I was thinking about the last fight me and Steve had. It made me laugh, because we fought about the dumbest things. It wasn't a serious fight, but he PISSED ME OFF!

I can't remember exactly which day it was, but it was either the day after we got married, or the next day. Whichever day it was, we were buying my car and running tons of errands. Well, we had planned on running tons of errands. We did a few things, and then went to the social security office to change my name. After that we had to go to the DMV, and then back to my dad's work to finish the paperwork for the car.

When I get hungry, I get really hungry really fast. And then I get bitchy. Well, as we were waiting, I realized I was starving. Steve said I had to wait until after the DMV, so we knew we had time. I was SO MAD. How long did it take to go through a freaking drive through? 

So, yes, our first married fight, and our last fight ever, was about me being hungry. I find that hilarious.

Some people are still learning how to act in public.

Like I've said before, we don't have internet at home right now. Because of that, I've been going to the library a lot. Here are some rules that you should know before you go to the library. I thought they were givens, but apparently not.

1. You really don't need to SMASH the freaking keyboard to type. I promise the buttons work just as well when you just push on them.
2. It was very nice of you to put your cellphone on vibrate. But if you're going to be texting someone, which results in the phone vibrating every 2 minutes, keep it in your lap. If you can't handle that, at least pick it up after the first vibrate, not after a full minute of it vibrating. If I can hear it, but you can't, maybe you SHOULD keep it in your lap.
3. The concept of headphones is so you can listen to music, but other people can't hear it. This doesn't work if you turn the music up as loud as it will go. Really.
4. Get a freaking kleenex.

I'm ignoring my blog on purpose.

I'm still alive and well. But I feel like crap and don't want to talk about it. I've been emailing with a fellow blogger, but I don't really want to publicly talk about my feelings right now.

So, I've still been reading everyone, haven't really been commenting. I'll be back in a few days, I'm sure.

Warning: The only words I can think of are curse words.

So Steve is in Guam until December (as far as I know).


Then in December he's going to fucking Korea for a year. I hate the fucking Air Force right now. I'm going to lose my mind I swear.



*** Also, I'll have to add to this post or have a new one when I calm down that isn't swearing and angry bursts.

Holding Back.

I've been avoiding writing a real post, and I'm still not going to. I'm keeping my feelings in right now because I don't even know where to start. I have to start figuring out how to deal with them first.

I am hurt, angry, and sad. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

I don't talk to anyone about it because no one here knows what it is like. They all act like it's so easy and I need to just get on with life. Like this isn't something that I have to deal with daily. The most they've had to be away from the people they love is a month or so.

A big part of why I blog is because it's a way of communicating with people that are doing the same thing as me. Sometimes that isn't enough though.

Really, the only thing that will make me feel better right now is seeing Steve. And they won't happen until October. That's more than a year without seeing him, and it isn't even like he's deployed. It's called being really freaking poor.

I've been off my medicine since about last October, and I like it. I feel everything. I've been ok with feeling the bad things too, and the anxiety. But now I want to be on it again. It sort of helps dull things. Oh wait, that would require having money. Hmmm..



So much for not tlaking about things. Really, though, it's just the tip of the iceburg. But it helps to write. I just can't let it all out at once, because then I have to think about it.

And I thought I knew everything...

So I don’t usually talk about issues with Steve on here, but I had to get my feelings out.


Steve and I got in a fight tonight. I hate fighting with him so much. I don’t really enjoy fighting with anyone, but fighting with him really throws me off. No matter how ‘right’ I feel or how mad I am at him, I usually end up feeling bad.

Our conversation started really good. It was late, so he’s usually tired and quiet, but he was actually really talkative. Then a certain topic came up that I thought I knew everything about, but it turns out I didn’t. That irritated me, but wasn’t a huge deal. I just felt a little mislead. It wasn’t a SUPER important topic, but I still don’t like it when he lets me assume the wrong thing. Not only because I feel lied to, but because it makes me feel like he can’t trust me.

I try REALLY hard to not get too upset about things like this, because then it doesn’t get discussed. If I get too upset, he acts like I’m attacking him or something, and gets really defensive, then we start really fighting, and he ends up doing the whole, “Can we just stop talking about this? Let’s just drop it.” It’s his go-to response.

So I dropped it, even though I really didn’t want to. So we ended up talking about certain things from our pasts, before we knew each other. I asked him a question, and he said he didn’t want to answer it. That totally threw me off. Anyway, I don’t really want to get into the fight we had, but more about how it made me feel.

I hate to feel that Steve doesn’t want me to know something, or doesn’t trust me with something. I’ve never had to feel like that before. I know that he really does trust me. He’s told me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. He can talk to me about things he hasn’t talked to anyone else about.

He gets a little weird about his childhood though. I don’t get it, I don’t know if I ever will. I do think we should be able to talk about anything. I don’t expect him to give me a play-by-play of his entire life. But it really throws me off when he feels like he can’t tell me something. He said it was because it was something he doesn’t want people to know about. I get that. But he knows all my dirty little secrets. And I know plenty of not-so-great thing about him, and I’ve never judged him on it.

It was hard for me to get him to understand how I feel. I’m pretty sure he kept thinking that I just REALLY wanted to know about this certain thing. By the time we were that far into the conversation, it didn’t matter. I was still curious, but it was so far out of my mind.

And like usually in our fights, it stopped being about me being mad about him, and started being me feeling bad about things. I felt so sad that he would ever feel like he couldn’t trust me with something, or that I would judge him, or that I would make him feel bad. We worked it out, but it just gave me so many thoughts.

We’re getting better at fighting. Sounds like an odd thing to be happy about, but that’s how it is. I have to try to not get worked up, and he has to not get so offended so easily. But we are getting good at it. I have to remind him that we’re just talking, and to just listen to what I’m saying without getting worked up. And sometimes he has to tell me to not over talk things.

Mornings make me violent.

I seriously hate being woken up. And if I get woken up badly, it affects my entire day. My dad and brother should never wake me up. They are seriously bad at it. And usually if Steve calls me early in the morning, I don't wake up. Today, my phone was wedged between my bed and the wall, and so it made a TON of noise and woke me up. When it starts to get loud in my room, my bird starts making noise. It usually pisses me off, but I can just put a blanket over her cage and she'll shut up.

I don't know when it happend, but lately my mom is HORRIBLE at waking me up.

Telling me I have to get up in 20 minutes will piss me off. If I have 20 more minutes, why would you wake me up?

When you do wake me up, don't open the blinds and the window (which also makes a lot of noise), and uncover my bird. It takes me a few minutes to wake up. It happens.

If I wake up and there's less than one cup of coffee in the coffee maker, that is not a good start to the morning. I could make more, but then I'd have to share it with you. When I'm just woken up and super pissed, I don't want to do that. (This remind me of the time I was stuck in bed with the WORST CAFFEINE HEADACHE EVER and my mom wouldn't make coffee. Then, once I finally worked up the energy to do it, she said "Oh, make sure you make enough for me." Really? Really?!)

I would just like to point out that the whole time I went to school, it was the worst thing ever if I left without making more coffee. Even if there was like 2 cups in there. If it wasn't at least half a pot, I was the worst person in the world.

After waking me up like that, and not having coffee, don't immediately start talking about things I need to do that day. First, I'm well aware of the things I do EVERY Saturday. Second, I'm still waking up.


Also, it's really awesome when I have something to do that day, and my dad takes my car to work. I don't usually mind, but maybe ask me if I need it first? That would be awesome. Oh, and if you do take my car, make sure I know ahead of time so I can get the things I need out of it.

Like I said, the way I get woken up affects my entire day. So today I'm going to be a bitch. I have to go practice with my sister's work softball team, and now I don't want to. Even moreso since I need her to pick me up, and I have to go with her to get an oil change first.

I need to hit someone or throw something. Or have more freaking coffee.


Thank you blogger for letting me have a morning bitchfest. I'm going to go finish my single cup of coffee and finish waking up.

What goes around isn't coming around. [aka I'm an asshole.]

I'm in a crappy mood. I figured I'd show all sides of me here. So here's me angry, jealous, and resentful.



I'm so tired of everyone around me having everything they want. Obviously I don't know the bad in everyone's life, and I don't know what it's like being them, but I do see their good. I need to let this out, so don't judge me.

I feel like everyone around me has more "good" parts in their lives than I do, and their "good" parts are better than mine.

I hate that I can't be as happy for people as I should be. But sometimes I just don't want to hear everyone's good news. The best thing that has happend to me for a long time was graduating cosmo school and getting my license. I worked my ass off for that. I'm proud of it, but it's something I earned. I feel like I've had a huge lacking in the luck or karma department.


I hate that I feel like this. I actually considered not posting this, but I need to get it out there. I'm not usually a jealous person. It is such an alien feeling to me. I will be more happy for you than you are for yourself! I get SO excited when good things happen to the people I love. I just wish I could have some of that happiness for myself.

Waiting.

So things are happening. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet though. Basically, military relationships are really, really hard. They take a lot of work, and sometimes things fall apart a little.

I have not seen the love of my life in over 7 months.

I understand that a lot of people go through this with deployments, and I'm not down playing anyones experience. This is about me, and I'm sorry if I make anyone feel like what you went through was less. I've never been through a deployment before, I have no idea what it is like. But this is what I HAVE been through.

I fell super duper ridiculously in love with a guy when I was 16.
The love of my life decided to go be a super hero in the Air Force.
I didn't see him for two months, and I felt like it was the worst thing.
I got to see him for four awesome days.
Then I got to go another three months without seeing him.
And then another four months.
And now seven months.

I'm not married to him, so it isn't as easy for us to be together. First I waited for almost 5 months to find out where he would be stationed. Then we decided I needed to go to school here, we couldn't afford for me to do it there, I couldn't work and go to school full time. So I started school here and was stuck for a year. Now that I'm done with school, he'll be on a TDY for at least 5 months. So much of our relationship has been waiting.

There are things that have happend that I don't ever want to talk about again, to anyone. There have been some really hard times. Sometimes Steve tells me that he doesn't understand how this is worth it to me, with him away so much. I don't see how he can question that. I love him more than anything

It is so worth it.

Changes

I've hit pretty damn low in my depression. I wouldn't say rock bottom, but I'm well on my way.

There's a lot of changed that are going to have to happen in my life. Things I do, things other people do, I just need to do what it takes to take care of me. It's hard for me to do, but I really need to put myself first sometimes.

I'm still organising my thoughts, so this isn't going to have too much detail, but I'm sure I'll have quite a few venting posts in the next few days. I've been ignoring my blog, because there are just some things I need to talk about, but that would take admitting them to myself. So... here's my start.

Hazel, Hazelnut, Hazeltina

So, my dog died. When I was in 7th grade, we were living in Montana. It wasn't going great, because my dad was working for a cement company, and they didn't have a ton of work during the winter. He got a job offer from some friends of ours down here in AZ, so my parents decided to make the move. My dad came down here about three months before the rest of us. While he was down here he bought a puppy, a Queensland Heeler, and named her Hazel. She was this tiny cute little thing. Then she turned into a bigger cute thing, who would try to herd us when we went on walks.

The past few months she started getting really fat. We thought it was just because she was a pig, which maybe that was part of it. Then, the past few weeks it seemed like it was hard for her to walk. She couldn't get in my car, she tried jumping out of my parents truck and fell on her face. It was the saddest thing.

Then last night, she just wouldn't walk. We could tell the smallest movement just hurt so much. So we put her on their dogbed in the livingroom, and she laid there all night. My dad took her to the vet this morning. It turns out she had a tumor on her spleen or pancreas, I'm not sure which. I guess she had gotten so big because the tumor was causing internal bleeding. That's why it was so hard for her to move, she was just so weak. Because of everything, especially the pain she was in, my dad had her put to sleep.

She's the Heeler, with her face by my knee. Note how she matches Moses, her BFF/Hubby, the Basset at the top right.

It just breaks my heart. This wasn't anything we could have prevented. And the vet said that even if they had known, and removed the tumor, there was a 95% chance she would get another one that would have caused the same bleeding. The point she was at this morning, they could have given her pain pills, but by the end of the week she would be so dehydrated her organs would start shutting down, which is extremely painful.

Hazel was kind of stinky. She was hairy, and loved to get that hair all over my car. She was a food hog. She didn't have that great dog personality.

But I still liked her.

I don't know who I feel worse for- my dad, who is upset about it* or Hazel's 'husband', our Basset Hound.

*My dad doesn't get emotional. According to my mom though, he didn't take it too well.

I'm happy that she's not in pain though. It's like when a baby or little kid is really hurt. They don't understand what's happening. She just kept looking at us like she was wondering why we couldn't fix it.

Ugh. I don't want to cry about it again.

Frustrated.

I decided to not have this post anymore, because it was the nonsensical ramblings of a crazy person.

Rantfest.

Today is not one of the good days. I'm so tired of dealing with crap.

First off, my whole plan got screwed up. I was going to graduate, go see Steve, come back, and work here until August. I would save as much money as I could, and then I would move up there with him. Well, that's not going to happen now, because he's going on a deployment for 345234523453245 years. Or 4-12 months. Something like that.

Second, I've always known that Steve's family talks shit about each other. If someone isn't around, they are talked about. His aunt talks about his mom being a horrible parent. His grandma complains about his aunt. His brother doesn't know what he's doing in live. Blah blah blah. Like I said, I've known this for awhile. I always assumed they talked about me too, but I never knew what was said. Well, here are a few things.

1. I have a drinking problem.
2. I need to get away from my mom.
3. Steve promised his mom he wouldn't marry me because he likes the attention he's getting from her.

I don't know wehre theses people come up with these things. Obviously, none of them are true. They heard about one time I got pretty smashed at his cousin's house. I never talk about my mom with them. Nothing negative at least. How horrible that I didn't move out the second I turned 18. Honestly. I told Steve about that last part, and he was pretty shocked. I guess since he's used to it, it doesn't get to him, bit I'm pissed. Anyway, vent over.



I've been a really crappy blogger lately because our internet got shut up. Boo. I'll try harder!

I don't even know...

I don't have internet at home for awhile so I "blogged" this in Microsoft Word on Monday, and now I'm at the library, and have nothing else to say. Ugh.


I’m good at school. I know that’s sort of a weird thing to say, but that’s pretty much it. I’m a good student. I always got good grades. I never had to try very hard either. I think this was a blessing and a curse. When I was younger, I was so far ahead of the curve that I could put in average effort and got above average results. I never had to study for tests. I always finished homework in no time at all. Because of this, I kept it up through high school. Once I got to high school, I had those same habits, but they didn’t get me as far. Yes, I still got good grades. But I didn’t excel. That was fine for me. I had gotten so used to not having to try, that I didn’t want to put in the extra effort.




I wish I had tried more. I wish that I had the drive.

Teary!

Everything makes me cry! Not sad sobbing crying, but tearing up.

Military proposals? Understandable.
Some chick winning some event in the Olympics? WHY!?

They just replayed it and I felt it again. Oh goodness.


I think this means I need a good cry.

Blogger is my therapy.

Here's an interesting read: Not even labor contractions could keep a woman from driving to meet her husband as the guardsman returned home from Iraq.

I keep thinking of things to write about, but none of them are sticking. Since today is Valentine's Day, I've been thinking a lot about all of the holidays that I've been without Steve. Two Christmases, two New Years, two Valentines, The Fourth of July, and many other little ones.

Since I've seen him?
158 days.
22 1/2 weeks.
6 months.
That's half a year. My goodness.

I've had all of this weighing down on me in the days leading up to today. I got a text from Steve just past midnight wishing me a happy Valentines Day, and saying that he loved me. Then, the first thing I saw when I got on the computer this morning, was an email from a fellow blogger. She just thought to send me an email because as a fellow mil-spouse, she knows what it is like to spend holidays apart. That really lifted my spirits.

It really reminded me of why I blog. It helps to get all of the feelings out, and it is so nice having a community of people that have been through what I'm going through. I've had a few friends who were mil-spouses, but they either moved to be with them or the relationships ended. A lot of people at school are sympathetic, but it doesn't mean as much when they don't know what it is like.

When I see how many other women do this, and do it with strength, it gives me hope. I want to be a strong person. I want to be successful, have hobbies, have friends. I want to be busy. I'm getting there.

Being with Steve is worth all of this. Even when I just get to see him for a week, it is worth every day of waiting. I think Mrs. G.I. Joe  says it the best in her post at ACU's, Stiletto Shoes, and Pretty Pink Tutus
"If he were only able to be home 1 single day a year for the rest of our lives I'd still be happier with him then I would be with anyone else. "

But I still can't wait to see him every day. To wake up next to him. To spend holidays together.

Lessons of the Military

Here are some things I've learned about myself since Steve has been in the military.
1. A 4 am phone call never bothers me.
2. When I can say he’s ‘only’ been gone a month.
3. The smallest text or call can make my day.
4. A text or call when I’m not expecting it makes me giddy.
5. The preview for Dear John made me cry, and I watch the military commercials
6. My pajamas consist of Steve’s t-shirts and some shorts.
7. I wasn’t keeping track, and I realized it had been 4 months since I’d seen Steve
8. I’m love his voicemails.
9. Since BMT, it has become a habit to check the mail.
10. I still write letters, I just keep them.
11.A phone call to say goodnight makes me smile.
12. If I don’t hear from him OF COURSE something is wrong. I’m growing out of this one.
13. I can honestly say the time apart gave our relationship strength.
14. I feel bad about things like Steve not going to a Super Bowl party.
15. When people complain about not seeing their spouses for a few days or a week, I just want to go off.
16. ABUs are the best thing in the world.
17. I’ve never dealt with this range emotions. I can feel a thousand different things in five minutes. And I can’t stay mad at him.
18. I’ve developed a habit of never being without my phone.
19. I feel like a failure if I miss a call.
20. I’ve developed a love for uniforms.
21. I have to remember that people might be a little shocked when I tell them what Steve does. And I’ve told so many people in “dummy” terms that the other day I blanked when telling an AF vet.
22. Seeing each other for a weekend is amazing.
23. I’ve learned military time… kind of.
24. Staying up until all hours to talk on the phone is a given.
25. An “I love you” over the phone makes all my problems go away.
26. I’ll be mad at him for not calling, but when it’s because of work, that’s no problem.
27. Listening to the same voicemails never gets old.
28. I love military movies.
29. I reread letters, texts, emails, and myspace messages.
30. It doesn’t shock me when plans are changed.
31. I’ve set my alarm for 4 am so I can call him before he goes to work.
32. I have to fight to not snap when someone asks me if I miss him, when they say “I couldn’t do it”, when they tell me about their sister/friend/cousin with a military spouse.
None of these things make me feel better. Really. No, I don’t miss him. I really like the space. He was getting a little clingy. You don’t think you can do it? I wonder that often myself. You know what? It’s because he means everything to me, and he loves the Air Force. Oh, and even if you think so, it doesn’t make me feel better to know how long it has been since your sister has seen her husband.

145

145 days apart just isn't normal. I hate this. I want to be with Steve. I want to fall asleep next to him. I want to wake up with him. I want to make him dinner. I wantt these to be normal things, not just something I get to do for a week.


I need someone to help me.

Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?

I watched CSI for about 5 or 6 hours today. However, I feel like I have an excuse. My mom and I woke up feeling incredibly sick, and stayed on the couch until it was time to pick Elijah up from school. I got him, went to the library, and headed home to reunite with the couch.




Can I just mention how annoying whistling is? I really cannot stand it. Luckily for me, someone in our house loves to whistle. I won't name names.