What goes around isn't coming around. [aka I'm an asshole.]

I'm in a crappy mood. I figured I'd show all sides of me here. So here's me angry, jealous, and resentful.



I'm so tired of everyone around me having everything they want. Obviously I don't know the bad in everyone's life, and I don't know what it's like being them, but I do see their good. I need to let this out, so don't judge me.

I feel like everyone around me has more "good" parts in their lives than I do, and their "good" parts are better than mine.

I hate that I can't be as happy for people as I should be. But sometimes I just don't want to hear everyone's good news. The best thing that has happend to me for a long time was graduating cosmo school and getting my license. I worked my ass off for that. I'm proud of it, but it's something I earned. I feel like I've had a huge lacking in the luck or karma department.


I hate that I feel like this. I actually considered not posting this, but I need to get it out there. I'm not usually a jealous person. It is such an alien feeling to me. I will be more happy for you than you are for yourself! I get SO excited when good things happen to the people I love. I just wish I could have some of that happiness for myself.

Lions, tigers, and bears!

So I spent Saturday at Out of Africa. It's a semi-local wildlife preserve. I grabbed the chunk below from the website.

"In addition to 40 big cats including lions, tigers and leopards, mountain lions, jaguar, you will see rhinoceros, bear, hyena, javelina, gemsbok, wolves, giraffe, wildebeest, sable, zebra, fallow deer, and more. Reptile houses are built into the side of the hills in the Wildlife Preserve. The Community Aviary is in the market place and home to over 100 mixed species of birds."

So this is where they have Tiger Splash. These people play with tigers and lions everyday. Oh yeah, totally normal to jump in a pool with a tiger chasing you!

Lovely day.

My family and I went to one of the lakes around here to barbeque today. I should get out like that more. Nature is good for me. :)

There was good food, baseball, football, a bit of a hike. Like I said, I should do things like this more.

Gross.

I had a good post I wanted to write. Instead I'm suffereing the worst headache I can remember.


This is how dependant I am on caffeine. I need coffee. And we were out all day. I had the most terrible headache all freaking day.


I also learned that you can puke so hard carrots come out your nose. And then your nose smells like puke.


Caitlin out.

Waiting.

So things are happening. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet though. Basically, military relationships are really, really hard. They take a lot of work, and sometimes things fall apart a little.

I have not seen the love of my life in over 7 months.

I understand that a lot of people go through this with deployments, and I'm not down playing anyones experience. This is about me, and I'm sorry if I make anyone feel like what you went through was less. I've never been through a deployment before, I have no idea what it is like. But this is what I HAVE been through.

I fell super duper ridiculously in love with a guy when I was 16.
The love of my life decided to go be a super hero in the Air Force.
I didn't see him for two months, and I felt like it was the worst thing.
I got to see him for four awesome days.
Then I got to go another three months without seeing him.
And then another four months.
And now seven months.

I'm not married to him, so it isn't as easy for us to be together. First I waited for almost 5 months to find out where he would be stationed. Then we decided I needed to go to school here, we couldn't afford for me to do it there, I couldn't work and go to school full time. So I started school here and was stuck for a year. Now that I'm done with school, he'll be on a TDY for at least 5 months. So much of our relationship has been waiting.

There are things that have happend that I don't ever want to talk about again, to anyone. There have been some really hard times. Sometimes Steve tells me that he doesn't understand how this is worth it to me, with him away so much. I don't see how he can question that. I love him more than anything

It is so worth it.

Mr. & Mrs.

Today was such a happy day. Steve's cousin Arrick went into the Navy in December, and this week he came home and married his fiancee. Since they started dating, and especially since he's been gone I've really become friends with Mandi. They wanted the smallest thing possible, which ended up being them, my mom and I, plus the Justice of Peace. They're having a big traditional wedding later, so she wanted this one to be small, so that one is special. I can't imagine getting married without my family, but it totally worked for them. It was fitting. Anyhoozle, here's some picture. I had fun photoshopping some, so ignore those if you feel you must.

I'll have to just document the worst part, which ended up not being too horrible. The other person they asked to be a witness was Mandi's boss. Yeah, he didn't show up, which is why I frantically called my mom hoping she was still close. Yeah... there's always something that gets messed up.

Changes

I've hit pretty damn low in my depression. I wouldn't say rock bottom, but I'm well on my way.

There's a lot of changed that are going to have to happen in my life. Things I do, things other people do, I just need to do what it takes to take care of me. It's hard for me to do, but I really need to put myself first sometimes.

I'm still organising my thoughts, so this isn't going to have too much detail, but I'm sure I'll have quite a few venting posts in the next few days. I've been ignoring my blog, because there are just some things I need to talk about, but that would take admitting them to myself. So... here's my start.

On pause

I feel bad for not posting. It make me feel good. But right now, I'm a little jumbled, and I can't focus on anything, let alone blogging. Maybe in a day or two I can vent on here.