Holding Back.

I've been avoiding writing a real post, and I'm still not going to. I'm keeping my feelings in right now because I don't even know where to start. I have to start figuring out how to deal with them first.

I am hurt, angry, and sad. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

I don't talk to anyone about it because no one here knows what it is like. They all act like it's so easy and I need to just get on with life. Like this isn't something that I have to deal with daily. The most they've had to be away from the people they love is a month or so.

A big part of why I blog is because it's a way of communicating with people that are doing the same thing as me. Sometimes that isn't enough though.

Really, the only thing that will make me feel better right now is seeing Steve. And they won't happen until October. That's more than a year without seeing him, and it isn't even like he's deployed. It's called being really freaking poor.

I've been off my medicine since about last October, and I like it. I feel everything. I've been ok with feeling the bad things too, and the anxiety. But now I want to be on it again. It sort of helps dull things. Oh wait, that would require having money. Hmmm..



So much for not tlaking about things. Really, though, it's just the tip of the iceburg. But it helps to write. I just can't let it all out at once, because then I have to think about it.