So I don’t usually talk about issues with Steve on here, but I had to get my feelings out.
Steve and I got in a fight tonight. I hate fighting with him so much. I don’t really enjoy fighting with anyone, but fighting with him really throws me off. No matter how ‘right’ I feel or how mad I am at him, I usually end up feeling bad.
Our conversation started really good. It was late, so he’s usually tired and quiet, but he was actually really talkative. Then a certain topic came up that I thought I knew everything about, but it turns out I didn’t. That irritated me, but wasn’t a huge deal. I just felt a little mislead. It wasn’t a SUPER important topic, but I still don’t like it when he lets me assume the wrong thing. Not only because I feel lied to, but because it makes me feel like he can’t trust me.
I try REALLY hard to not get too upset about things like this, because then it doesn’t get discussed. If I get too upset, he acts like I’m attacking him or something, and gets really defensive, then we start really fighting, and he ends up doing the whole, “Can we just stop talking about this? Let’s just drop it.” It’s his go-to response.
So I dropped it, even though I really didn’t want to. So we ended up talking about certain things from our pasts, before we knew each other. I asked him a question, and he said he didn’t want to answer it. That totally threw me off. Anyway, I don’t really want to get into the fight we had, but more about how it made me feel.
I hate to feel that Steve doesn’t want me to know something, or doesn’t trust me with something. I’ve never had to feel like that before. I know that he really does trust me. He’s told me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. He can talk to me about things he hasn’t talked to anyone else about.
He gets a little weird about his childhood though. I don’t get it, I don’t know if I ever will. I do think we should be able to talk about anything. I don’t expect him to give me a play-by-play of his entire life. But it really throws me off when he feels like he can’t tell me something. He said it was because it was something he doesn’t want people to know about. I get that. But he knows all my dirty little secrets. And I know plenty of not-so-great thing about him, and I’ve never judged him on it.
It was hard for me to get him to understand how I feel. I’m pretty sure he kept thinking that I just REALLY wanted to know about this certain thing. By the time we were that far into the conversation, it didn’t matter. I was still curious, but it was so far out of my mind.
And like usually in our fights, it stopped being about me being mad about him, and started being me feeling bad about things. I felt so sad that he would ever feel like he couldn’t trust me with something, or that I would judge him, or that I would make him feel bad. We worked it out, but it just gave me so many thoughts.
We’re getting better at fighting. Sounds like an odd thing to be happy about, but that’s how it is. I have to try to not get worked up, and he has to not get so offended so easily. But we are getting good at it. I have to remind him that we’re just talking, and to just listen to what I’m saying without getting worked up. And sometimes he has to tell me to not over talk things.
SoldierMan doesn't talk much about his childhood either. The most I've gotten out of him was, "The first good thing that ever happened to me was you." Kind of sweet, kind of scary. I've gleaned bits and pieces from his siblings, and as much as I hate that it feels like I'm being "kept out" of part of his life, I also understand that he just really doesn't want to relive it. It's not about me. And, I promise, it's not about you. It's not that he wants to hide things from you. There are just some things that, I think, are best left alone. And it's good that you are working out how to "fight." It takes time.
ReplyDelete