Unspoken feelings.

I need to let out a lot of stuff. No one can understand how this feels unless they have gone through it, and even then it is different for everyone.

I'm really starting to get angry at people. There isn't a reason for my anger, I know that. The people I'm getting angry at didn't do anything wrong.

But it makes me so mad to see people continuing on in their lives. It is amazing to me how many people have decided to get married or found out that they are having a baby (or ANOTHER baby) since Steve died. I know that they aren't connected to it in any way, but it still hurts.

My entire future was taken from me. I have no idea what my life will be now. So many things were decided already, and all of that is gone. I was SO ready to be a military wife for the next 20+ years. That's gone. Steve won't be going to Korea, and I won't be moving, because he isn't getting stationed somewhere else. I won't live on a base, I won't be part of the Air Force life.

Am I still a wife? I'll always be Steve's wife, but at what point am I supposed to stop identifying myself as married? I don't feel any less married. My husband just isn't alive.

It hurts so bad that I will never have Steve's kids. I wanted that more than anything else.


My future was taken from me, so abruptly, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that everyone else gets to go on with their lives. Even other people who were close to him. Yes, they will grieve him, and it will hurt like hell, but I'm the only one whose life revolved around him and what he was doing.