Scared to sleep.

I’ve wanted to write for so long. It is so hard to get my thoughts together though. I feel like if I had a written copy of my thoughts for the past 3+ months, every other sentence would be on a different topic.

It is hard to put pain into words. I feel like trying to describe my pain is like trying to describe the love I have for Steve. It might even be harder.

My dreams are starting to hurt. I always dreamed a lot, but after Steve died, I’ve only had a few dreams. Last night, I’d call it more of a nightmare, and it played in my head over and over.

I was at the hospital, and I knew Steve was there, but I couldn’t find him. I was in an emergency room or something, where all of the sections are closed off by curtains. I kept opening them and looking for him. I could hear him trying to breathe. That is the most terrifying sound I’ve ever heard. It was like, a gargling gasping desperate attempt to breathe.

I finally found him and he looked ok. He didn’t have a shirt on, and his body was fine, just like it was supposed to be.

Then it was like by brain skipped or something, because I blinked, and then his chest was torn open and he was bleeding everywhere.

The same exact dream replayed about three or four times last night.

It’s safe to say I’m terrified to sleep tonight.

It’s weird, because even though I wasn’t there, I see him getting shot all day long. It constantly plays in my mind. This is the first time that something different happened though, and it was like I was supposed to be helping him.