Giving Myself an Assigntment.

Ok, so my computer is still not working (well, it works, b
ut I need 80-90 bucks to replace the charging cord), so my computer time is limited to job hunting on my parents' computer, or when I come to the library. Well, here I am at the library, and I will not "let" myself look for a job until I write a post. Take the word let lightly, because I do not enjoy looking for a job. Nope, not at all.

Things are actually good, and mostly staying that way. Well, nothing is particularly great, but I'm handling things much better lately.

First, let me just say how frustrating it is to not be able to fix things for Steve. He's a big boy, and can handle himself, but when there is something he needs ME to do, and I can't, well that just really sucks. Me and Steve have issues with overdrawing our bank account. We do it a lot. We've given Wells Fargo I don't know how much money in those $35 fees. Apparently Steve did it one too many times, and they cancelled his card. He's in Guam right now, so there isn't much to do. He can't even call the 800 number, because they are open when he is sleeping. So, I called for him, and the girl told me that HE needed to go into a WF and ask for another card. Well, he obviously can't. She said I could go in, explain the situation, and maybe I could do something. It turns out that even if I could order him a card, which I normally couldn't, he can't get a new card for 6 months because of why it was cancelled. Boo.

So, I did what I could, and I felt really crappy, because that means he doesn't have money. Then he told me that he has checks, and all is well. I did what I could, and I'm good with that.


Aside from that, not much is new. I'm still job hunting. I'm still working out. I really want to lose all the weight before Steve is done in Guam.

We're also talking about where we want to go in the next few years. I think we've narrowed it down to AZ, CO, or NV. He says Utah, but I vetoed that. Also a few 'maybes' are California (he wants north and I want south), and I'm cool with NM or TX, but I guess he isn't.

Only time will tell... as usual.

Oh goodness.

Job interview today. I have to do an interview and demo haircut at 3. Aggggggggggggggggggh.



Wish me luck!

Oh, I forgot.

I forgot I hate running. Oh dang.


Luckily I also hate weighing what I weigh now. I don't want to put real numbers out there, but let's just say I have quite a bit to lose.

Anyhoozle, today I ran a loop around where our library is. 1.6 miles. It sure felt like more. I had to walk a lot of it though. Amazingly, it wasn't because I was out of breath, but my calves were so tight and cramped up. When I was still playing softball, it was always that my lungs couldn't keep up with my body. Now, my lungs are fine, but my legs are dying on me. I definitely need to do more lunges and squats and whatnot. I'm not used to my body not doing what I tell it to. Pisses me off.




Upside! Steve is somehow IMing or texting my phone through Yahoo, on his phone. Idk, but it's like texting and I love it. Even if it's 1:30 am.

One month down, finally starting to move forward.

I would just like to first point out that I still don't have constant access to a computer, so I'm blaming my lack of posting on that.

I'm actually on more of an upswing right now. Things were down, and they were very down. I'm sort of attempting a lifestyle change right now. I figure that once I get myself a certain way on the outside*, maybe it will cross over to the inside.

*While this does include things like losing weight and actually doing my hair every day, I mean it in more of a "people see me as happy and put together and focused and whatnot" sort of way.

So anyhoozle. I seriously think my brain only gets so much focused writing time in a week. I've been emailing Steve so much lately that I can't really think of anything when I finally get around to blogging.

I'm looking for a different job, the last one didn't work out. Basically I have no clients.

I've been playing softball on the company team where my sister works.

I decided I'm going to be a runnner. I'm about 2 miles into it, but I also just started two days ago.

Since I've been paying attention to my eating and being more active, I've lost 2 pounds.

I miss Steve.

He's been in Guam a month and I'm sick of it. About five more months to go though. Blegh.

Boo.

I'm job hunting again. The other one didn't work out. Oh well. On the upside, I did hair for a few photo shoots. Lots of fun, wish I could do it all day every day.

CTRL V

To sum up how I've been feeling lately- I'm pretty sure I need to get back on meds for my depression. Oh goody.  That said, I can't organize my thoughts very well, so instead I'm just going to copy/paste an email I sent Steve.

Hey babe.
You said you would call me today, but you didn't. So it's 2 in the morning and I'm still up, just waiting.




I hate waiting.



I've been trying to be positive about everything, but sometimes I lose my grip on that. I feel like I'm an after thought again. I'm barely getting emails from you, and you haven't called me. I haven't heard your voice for 16 days. I hate that. I'm glad that you're seeing places and all that, but sometimes I wish you didn't like it as much. I know that sounds mean, but it's a lot harder for me, because I'm the one still stuck here while you're getting everything you want.


Ugh. I hate to be so negative, but I can't really keep the fake front on all the time. I want to badly to always be happy about everything, so you don't feel bad or anything, but I can't. I don't like this at all. I'm sick of it. I don't want another year and a half without you. And then who knows how much more time through our lives.


I won't ever have enough time and I hate that.


I love you. I can't wait for this to be over. (I'm not sure if I mean you being in Guam, or us not living together, or you being in the AF. I'm not sure.)

 Steve is the most understanding when it comes to my screwy feelings. He'll listen so patiently while I struggle to explain how I feel, even if I have a hard time figuring out the right words, or if he has to hear it through my tears. He doesn't read into things, he takes it as it is. I love that about him. Even with that though, it is so hard for me to talk to him, or any one, about how I feel about him being in the military. It isn't an all the time feeling. I do so good, and I get to proud of myself for being strong, and then it hits me so hard.


I am so proud of Steve for what he does. This isn't about that. It's about the part I wish I could give up, the part that wonders 'what if'. That said, it is so hard for me to say.

I hate to tell him sometimes. There are times when I feel like he is so selfish. I can't stand to feel that way, because I know it doesn't make sense. The only kind of person who could understand this feeling, I'm sure, is someone who has been through it. I'm giving up a lot, I'm postponing so much, I'm leaving people and things I love. I'm in a business that depends on having a steady clientele, and I won't have the security of staying in one place. I will have to start over whenever 'they' decide it is necessary. I have, and will continue to, spend time away from the man I love. I will have to accept that that Air Force comes first. I don't know if I'll get to have a wedding, or have it where I want it. I won't live near my mom when I am pregnant. I can't say for sure if Steve and/or my family will be there when I give birth.


There are so many things, and some of them matter more, some just a little. They sure add up though. They are things that one or two wouldn't be too bad, but sometimes I just want the things that most people expect.

Most times, most days, I can live with it. I've said it before- I would never ask him to do anything else. Sometimes I wonder why he can't be the one to choose something else. I'm giving up so much to be with him, so he can live his dream. Why can't he choose me?


I think overall, I'm afraid of time. I want my time with Steve. I don't want to go through this and feel like I didn't get enough. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for something the times that I'm with him.



Honestly, I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like I'm asking for sympathy. I don't want it. I'm doing this, I'm aware of how much it might suck. I know how it feels to be without him. I just not strong enough to keep the bad stuff inside though. I try so hard, because no one here understands, even if they try. Steve gets it, for the most part. I'm always worried that instead he'll hear, "I resent you for doing this and it isn't worth it." That's not it at all. I'm just not good enough at this to be ok with it all of the time.

I think I'm getting better at faking it though.

I'm ignoring my blog on purpose.

I'm still alive and well. But I feel like crap and don't want to talk about it. I've been emailing with a fellow blogger, but I don't really want to publicly talk about my feelings right now.

So, I've still been reading everyone, haven't really been commenting. I'll be back in a few days, I'm sure.