Darlin.

Babe it has been 4 months, 4 long, hellish, soul crushing months.

   

@ Steve's BMT grad Feb 09

Hiking Thumb Butte, March 09

  

Playing on some old train tracks, Sept 09

Steve's fort in Guam

After getting our marriage license

On our way to the airport, the last day I saw him

Widow brain.

Widow brain. It's a crazy thing. I can't really explain it. You forget things, you lose things, hell, your brain makes things up. Today was interesting.

Today is my day off, so I figured I would try to be productive. My car payment was due five days ago, so I figured I would pay it today. Because that is how I roll. So I got ready, and headed out. I couldn't find my checkbook, so I figured I would get cash. Well, I ended up at Target, trying to figure out where I had been going.

Well, I'm home now, and the car payment still isn't paid. But I have these now...

I feel pretty good about it.

Some other examples:

-not knowing where I am about a mile away from my house

-confusing what happened to Steve with the shootings in Tucson, and thinking he was shot in the head

-I'm sure there are quite a few more, but I can't remember. Surprise surprise.

Scared to sleep.

I’ve wanted to write for so long. It is so hard to get my thoughts together though. I feel like if I had a written copy of my thoughts for the past 3+ months, every other sentence would be on a different topic.

It is hard to put pain into words. I feel like trying to describe my pain is like trying to describe the love I have for Steve. It might even be harder.

My dreams are starting to hurt. I always dreamed a lot, but after Steve died, I’ve only had a few dreams. Last night, I’d call it more of a nightmare, and it played in my head over and over.

I was at the hospital, and I knew Steve was there, but I couldn’t find him. I was in an emergency room or something, where all of the sections are closed off by curtains. I kept opening them and looking for him. I could hear him trying to breathe. That is the most terrifying sound I’ve ever heard. It was like, a gargling gasping desperate attempt to breathe.

I finally found him and he looked ok. He didn’t have a shirt on, and his body was fine, just like it was supposed to be.

Then it was like by brain skipped or something, because I blinked, and then his chest was torn open and he was bleeding everywhere.

The same exact dream replayed about three or four times last night.

It’s safe to say I’m terrified to sleep tonight.

It’s weird, because even though I wasn’t there, I see him getting shot all day long. It constantly plays in my mind. This is the first time that something different happened though, and it was like I was supposed to be helping him.

Memories- First Date

Our first date. April 14, 2007. I asked him to prom. We got Chinese food, he bought. I drove and almost drove us into a ditch on the way there. He never let me live that down.

We both had braces. We were goofy. We were so nervous and awkward with each other. Also, notice how Steve is not smiling.

Once we were there, we all mostly just sat around and talked. Steve and I ~*slowdanced*~ to the last song and then we went back to Lauren's house to hang out.

Where Steve fell asleep. 

I later found out that he kept wanting to kiss me that night, once we were back at Lauren's but I wouldn't sit still. Funny, he said the same thing about when he first tried to ask me to be his girlfriend. We went to a lake in the area and climbed up on all the rocks. I guess I kept going around to other rocks when he got the nerve up to ask me.

What a dork.

Days.

100 days since I saw his face, touched his skin, and kissed him goodbye.

Three.

Three weeks after Steve died, I got hired at a new job. Here we are three months later. I'm tired. It's nice being back in the "normal" world, but I think I need a break. I'm tired.


I need some time to mope. I need some time to sleep. I need some time to wallow. I need some time out of the "normal" world.

Heyoooo

I'm a big ol' blog slacker. I'm still here. Doing.... ok, I guess. I just don't really know how to organize my  thoughts anymore, so I'm working on it.


I got back from visiting Steve's friends last night. I will definitely tell that story, but now isn't the time.