I was ready to tell the rest of the story today. I need to get it out. I've been avoiding my blog because I don't know what to say. But I was talking to one of Steve's friends, and I remembered something.
Steve and I always talked about how much winter sucked for us. When we were dating in high school, we broke up in November. He left for BMT in December. We always fought a ton during the winter. This winter was supposed to be our good one. He got to come home. He left Guam. We got married.
It was our chance to make winters not suck.
And then he died. So, there goes my winters.
January 25, 2011
January 20, 2011
January 15, 2011
January 14, 2011
A month ago today.
A month ago today, was our last unmarried day together. That day we went to the courthouse to get our marriage licence and got my ring sized. Yeah, we are huge procrastinators. Everything worked out perfect though. Then we had lunch with his mom, and I think dinner with my family. I remember we could barely sleep that night because we were so excited. Ok, I could barely sleep. Steve was out.
January 13, 2011
I don't have words.
I've always felt my emotions pretty strongly. Not lately though.
I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.
I should feel it more than this. I should get it.
I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.
I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.
I miss that goofy face.
I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.
I should feel it more than this. I should get it.
I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.
I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.
I miss that goofy face.
January 10, 2011
There was no knock.
As someone who loves a person in the military, you always hear about the knock. I didn't get a knock. I am finally starting to remember what happened, so here goes.
The last time I talked to Steve was the day that he died. It was earlier in the day, sometime in the afternoon. I went to a local resort that does a gingerbread house display with my mom and brother. While I was there Steve called me. He wanted to get the information he needed to do all of the "new military wife" paperwork. His last day he was taking care of me. I think we were doing Christmas shopping, and I was texting Steve the whole time.
Steve was talking about how he wanted more guns, and I told him one gun for each baby he gave me. He didn't find that as hilarious as I did. Then we talked a little bit about him going to Korea, and that was it.
I went out to dinner with my family, and then my parents went to the mall while my brother and I went to Target. I wanted to get wrapping paper for Christmas. When I missed the first call, I think I was looking at the bedding, thinking that I had to ask Steve what size bed we should get. I checked my phone and noticed that I missed two calls and had a message. I knew it was a Minot number, which scared me a little, but I didn't really think about it. The message was someone from the base police. Stupid me, I just figure Steve did something dumb and got arrested. If only. All he said was that it was an emergency. I called him back (still in Target of course), and he told me that Steve had been shot in the stomach by accident.
I felt sick.
I had a meltdown in the parking lot, which scared the shit out of my brother, and he called my parents to come. In the parking lot and on the way home we called Steve's family. All we knew was that he was shot in the stomach and he was ok.
After freaking out a little bit, I started to feel ok. I was SO sure that he would be ok. Stomach? Not a huge deal. He's a tough guy, he's in shape, no big deal.
I've been trying to finish this for about three days, and I can't. So I guess I'll give you the rest of it later. Not that we don't know how it ends.
The last time I talked to Steve was the day that he died. It was earlier in the day, sometime in the afternoon. I went to a local resort that does a gingerbread house display with my mom and brother. While I was there Steve called me. He wanted to get the information he needed to do all of the "new military wife" paperwork. His last day he was taking care of me. I think we were doing Christmas shopping, and I was texting Steve the whole time.
Steve was talking about how he wanted more guns, and I told him one gun for each baby he gave me. He didn't find that as hilarious as I did. Then we talked a little bit about him going to Korea, and that was it.
I went out to dinner with my family, and then my parents went to the mall while my brother and I went to Target. I wanted to get wrapping paper for Christmas. When I missed the first call, I think I was looking at the bedding, thinking that I had to ask Steve what size bed we should get. I checked my phone and noticed that I missed two calls and had a message. I knew it was a Minot number, which scared me a little, but I didn't really think about it. The message was someone from the base police. Stupid me, I just figure Steve did something dumb and got arrested. If only. All he said was that it was an emergency. I called him back (still in Target of course), and he told me that Steve had been shot in the stomach by accident.
I felt sick.
I had a meltdown in the parking lot, which scared the shit out of my brother, and he called my parents to come. In the parking lot and on the way home we called Steve's family. All we knew was that he was shot in the stomach and he was ok.
After freaking out a little bit, I started to feel ok. I was SO sure that he would be ok. Stomach? Not a huge deal. He's a tough guy, he's in shape, no big deal.
I've been trying to finish this for about three days, and I can't. So I guess I'll give you the rest of it later. Not that we don't know how it ends.
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