Half

Plato's Symposium said that there was once man, woman, and a combo. The combo was a person with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zues was jealous of the power that human's had, so he split the combo. These people were left always looking for their other half, for their true love. It was what they needed to be complete.


I miss my half. I miss being whole.

"The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, having a name corresponding to this double nature, which had once a real existence, but is now lost, and the word ‘Androgynous’ is only preserved as a term of reproach. In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast. Now the sexes were three, and such as I have described them; because the sun, moon, and earth are three; and the man was originally the child of the sun, the woman of the earth, and the man-woman of the moon, which is made up of sun and earth, and they were all round and moved round and round like their parents. "


"When they reach manhood they are lovers of youth, and are not naturally inclined to marry or beget children,— if at all, they do so only in obedience to the law; but they are satisfied if they may be allowed to live with one another unwedded; and such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him. And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover’s intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment."

He's everywhere.

Today was my first day back to school. My first day back to school after three years. My first day back to school after decided I want to do something new. You would think that I would be excited about being in school. Which, I am. I was.

The weird thing is though is that today was one of the days where I remember that Steve is everywhere here. I forgot about the last time I was in school. He worked in the bookstore, and I would visit him between classes. We would have lunch together. I would ditch class and he would skip work and we'd watch movies and cuddle and eat pizza all day. That was our last time together before he left for boot camp. He left two days before the semester ended.

That is what I thought of the whole time I was at school. I miss my husband.

Mini vacay

Since I'm starting school, I will be either working or in school every single day of the week. Yeah, I might be crazy. Because of this, my mom and I decided to take a trip down to where my sister lives to do some shopping. We went down on Tuesday, hit TJ Maxx (why don't we have one of those?!), and Chipotle (Oh my gosh so good! We ARE getting one of those soon!). Then we went further into the city towards my sister's and more shopping. We wen to a Home Goods, a Goodwill (they're supposed to be better down there. Not really though). After we got to my sisters house we had dinner, watch some movies, and just relaxed.

The next day we got bagels, I got a huge pile of clothes from Target (theirs is bigger) waited for my sister to get out of work, had lunch, then WENT TO IKEA. I have always liked Ikea stuff, and just got my bed from there, but you can't get a lot of stuff online. I really liked it, but was having a weird day, so I felt pretty panicky the whole time and probably didn't get the whole experience. Anyway, it was fun, I spent way too much money, but it was good. I'll finally have my room finished soon! Well once I finish painting my furniture. And I mean my dad painting my furniture.

Lunch at Ra

My sister's new kitten Miso

Her pup Koji

And Honzo!

Let me just tell you.

Let me just tell you. There is nothing like making my life difficult to make me feel like the military really does not give a shit that my husband is dead. Here's the thing. Nothing that has anything to do with my benefits has been easy. Look, if I'm supposed to be getting these benefits because my husband died, and the Air Force takes care of their own, if they really want to take care of me, then why do I constantly feel like I'm getting tossed aside?

I decided that I needed to do something with my life. I'm not ok staying as a hairstylist. If I'm going to be single, if I'm going to be the only one bringing anything to my life, I need to step it up a little. This summer I decided to go back to school for nursing. I thought about doing it a few years ago, and I feel like helping people in some way. After going to the local college no less than five times, constantly needing answers so I could fill out the paperwork needed to get my benefits, I finally thought it was working out. I registered late, so most of the pre-reqs for the nursing program were full. I was able to get into 2, and figure I would take two extra classes to fill my schedule. They weren't related to my degree, but they seemed interesting to me.

So, now I'm registered for four classes, I have my books, and I'm supposed to start school on Monday.

I just got an email saying that the VA will not pay for any classes that are not directly related to my degree. No one told me anything about that. So now I have about $600 or so dollars in tuition and books that I have to pay for out of my pocket.

Oh, also, if I'm not going full time, I will only get half of the benefits, so I won't be able to afford to just go to school, I'll have to work through the entire school year.

And another thing, I went to college for a semester before cosmetology school, and hated it. I failed most of the classes. If I take 12+ credits and pass all of my classes, I can drop that semester and raise my GPA.


I feel like most of this is whiny or entitled. Maybe for the average person. But I am a military widow. As military spouses we are PROMISED that we will be taken care of if the worst happens. I don't feel like that promise has been kept.

Even past the schooling part, none of this is easy. I have had to fight for every benefit I'm "supposed" to get. Everything I've promised would happen to take care of me because my husband promised to serve his country.


I hate that every step I try to take to improve my life gets me pushed back a little further.

Active duty or retired?

Today I went to a doctor's office here that I hadn't been to before, so they got all of my medical history and insurance information. Well, since I have Tricare, I just gave them my military ID. The receptionist made a copy and then we had the following conversation-

Receptionist- Ok, is it active duty or retired?

Me- Uh.... what? Oh, for the Tricare?

Receptionist- Yeah, active duty or retired?

Me- *big fat pause* Uh..... neither? I don't know, I'm pretty sure I have Standard

Receptionist- *big fat pause* OH, I'm sorry.

At first I didn't think she *got* it, but then I realized she did. Oh well, I'm used to people finding out.

Then when I went back into the room, the nurse took all of the same medical history I filled out when I got there. She asked my marital status, and after yet another big fat pause, I told her widowed. I'm still not used to that yet. Yes, I am well aware that I'm a widow, but I feel married. I feel like my marital status IS married. So, here is where we have ANOTHER big... fat... pause. "How OLD are you?!" I told her, 21, and she immediately asked if he was in the military. Yup. Then she went on to tell me about her paratrooper brother and all of his deployments. I didn't even clarify that Steve died stateside, by a stupid accident. Honestly, I hate that it matters to people how old I am and how he died.

Days like this make me wonder if the nurses wait until I've left the office before they talk about the poor 21 year old whose husband died, or if that's what I could hear them whispering about outside the door.

Hiding

Yeah, I"ve been hiding from my blog again. Here is what I have been up to in the last month...

Swimming with Mandi and Jake

Going on walks with Mandi and Jake

Take Frank on those walks, and him only making in halfway before needing to be carried

Frank at the 4th of July parade, where I had to eventually carry him because a) he wouldn't walk any further and b) people wouldn't stop petting him as I walked by

Mandi's husband came home before his deployment, so he went to the parade with us (my brother is in the background making that very attractive face)

Mandi, her hubs, Jake, and Eli

Frank took over my bed, he now tends to sleep in the very middle

Sabs came to visit! Sabs is my bestie, and has helped me get through the last 7 1/2 months. He was Steve's best friend, they met through the Air Force. He came to visit me on his way back to ND from seeing his family.

I've started decorating my room finally, now that I can afford it. Here is my new bed (that I put together, ugh), and the wall decorations I made with scrap booking things. The "C", by the way, is for my last name, not Caitlin. In the frame to the left is our wedding date, and in the from to the right is a 3D flower I made from card stock.

Music Monday #1