I don't have words.

I've always felt my emotions pretty strongly. Not lately though.

I have never felt so numb. It's like my mind can't even start to understand. I don't think I really get that he's gone forever. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. I saw him. I touched him. There wasn't anything left. I KNOW he is dead. I've read stories about military wives/families who didn't get to see the body because it was beat up too bad. Or the ones where their plane crashes in the ocean and they never find the body. Those people, I can understand not fully believing their loved one is gone.

I should feel it more than this. I should get it.

I guess I just don't really understand death. I've never known anyone who has died, aside from people that I rarely ever saw. Not the one person who means the most. Not someone I talked to every day. Not my best friend.


I just don't get it. I haven't even begun to feel the pain. That I know for sure. I'm scared. I am terrified of how it will feel, but I'm ready. I need to start grieving. I need to feel a real emotion for more than five minutes.

I miss that goofy face.

There was no knock.

As someone who loves a person in the military, you always hear about the knock. I didn't get a knock. I am finally starting to remember what happened, so here goes.


The last time I talked to Steve was the day that he died. It was earlier in the day, sometime in the afternoon. I went to a local resort that does a gingerbread house display with my mom and brother. While I was there Steve called me. He wanted to get the information he needed to do all of the "new military wife" paperwork. His last day he was taking care of me. I think we were doing Christmas shopping, and I was texting Steve the whole time.

Steve was talking about how he wanted more guns, and I told him one gun for each baby he gave me. He didn't find that as hilarious as I did. Then we talked a little bit about him going to Korea, and that was it.


I went out to dinner with my family, and then my parents went to the mall while my brother and I went to Target. I wanted to get wrapping paper for Christmas. When I missed the first call, I think I was looking at the bedding, thinking that I had to ask Steve what size bed we should get. I checked my phone and noticed that I missed two calls and had a message. I knew it was a Minot number, which scared me a little, but I didn't really think about it. The message was someone from the base police. Stupid me, I just figure Steve did something dumb and got arrested. If only. All he said was that it was an emergency. I called him back (still in Target of course), and he told me that Steve had been shot in the stomach by accident.

I felt sick.

I had a meltdown in the parking lot, which scared the shit out of my brother, and he called my parents to come. In the parking lot and on the way home we called Steve's family. All we knew was that he was shot in the stomach and he was ok.

After freaking out a little bit, I started to feel ok. I was SO sure that he would be ok. Stomach? Not a huge deal. He's a tough guy, he's in shape, no big deal.


I've been trying to finish this for about three days, and I can't. So I guess I'll give you the rest of it later. Not that we don't know how it ends.

Back to Work.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I don't know how it is going to go. I just don't want "the look" that people are going to give me. I guess not that many people know, and those who do know were told not to talk to me about it. We'll see how that's going to go.


I also got the official hire on a hair stylist job I applied for in November. Now I need advice.

Taking on a brand new full time job three weeks after my husband died is crazy, right?

I like this.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me and if you want to, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,

Let it be spoken without effect,

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was;

There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,

For an interval,

Somewhere very near,

Just around the corner.

All is well.

By Henry Scott-Holland

Perfect

This was the most perfect day of my entire life. I'm so thankful.

Dr. LJ

So, I've had a Livejournal account since early high school. I never post in it, but I'm on it all the time reading communities. For those of you not familiar with LJ, these are basically different forums with certain interests or topics or whatever that you can join. I follow a few that are related to feminine-health things, and they are starting to really annoy me.


So here is some wisdom for the day. If you think you are pregnant, take a pregnancy test. If you haven't even missed your period yet, wait until your period. Maybe start worrying/getting anxious after you miss your period. Hell, even go to the doctor.

Posting on the internet asking a bunch of people if they think you are pregnant is stupid. They don't know. There are plenty of "pregnancy" symptoms that could be a bunch of different things. If  it is too early for a pregnancy test, the magical internet won't tell you either.


Oh, and if you are on BC, but missed a pill, AND used a condom, AND took Plan B, AND he pulled out, stop freaking out. Seriously.

Blegh.

So today I went down to the base to get my ID and all that paperwork set up. Steve was only alive 5 days after we were married. He went back up to his base on Saturday, and died on Monday. He would have done everything on Monday, but the base was mostly closed down because of the snow. SO, I got to do it all today.

It was actually really nice to be on a base. It felt like home. It's where I should be. I got to show my dad the BX and commisary, which aren't impressive, but their part of the whole military culture. It was nice to show something that was meant to be part of my life.

I think the most important thing I need to share, is that the lady we've been working with through the casualty assistance office is AWESOME.