Back to Work.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I don't know how it is going to go. I just don't want "the look" that people are going to give me. I guess not that many people know, and those who do know were told not to talk to me about it. We'll see how that's going to go.


I also got the official hire on a hair stylist job I applied for in November. Now I need advice.

Taking on a brand new full time job three weeks after my husband died is crazy, right?

I like this.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me and if you want to, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,

Let it be spoken without effect,

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was;

There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,

For an interval,

Somewhere very near,

Just around the corner.

All is well.

By Henry Scott-Holland

Perfect

This was the most perfect day of my entire life. I'm so thankful.

Dr. LJ

So, I've had a Livejournal account since early high school. I never post in it, but I'm on it all the time reading communities. For those of you not familiar with LJ, these are basically different forums with certain interests or topics or whatever that you can join. I follow a few that are related to feminine-health things, and they are starting to really annoy me.


So here is some wisdom for the day. If you think you are pregnant, take a pregnancy test. If you haven't even missed your period yet, wait until your period. Maybe start worrying/getting anxious after you miss your period. Hell, even go to the doctor.

Posting on the internet asking a bunch of people if they think you are pregnant is stupid. They don't know. There are plenty of "pregnancy" symptoms that could be a bunch of different things. If  it is too early for a pregnancy test, the magical internet won't tell you either.


Oh, and if you are on BC, but missed a pill, AND used a condom, AND took Plan B, AND he pulled out, stop freaking out. Seriously.

Blegh.

So today I went down to the base to get my ID and all that paperwork set up. Steve was only alive 5 days after we were married. He went back up to his base on Saturday, and died on Monday. He would have done everything on Monday, but the base was mostly closed down because of the snow. SO, I got to do it all today.

It was actually really nice to be on a base. It felt like home. It's where I should be. I got to show my dad the BX and commisary, which aren't impressive, but their part of the whole military culture. It was nice to show something that was meant to be part of my life.

I think the most important thing I need to share, is that the lady we've been working with through the casualty assistance office is AWESOME.

Blogger Crisis.

I've having some doubts about my blog. There are a lot of things I LOVE about blogging. The main one is the mil-spouse community. It's nice having people who can relate to your problems.

The part that bugs me is that anyone can read it. Maybe I'll change it to being more private. I have that Google thing, where you can see how many people look at your blog on a daily basis. At first, it is pretty cool seeing how many people are reading what you talk about.
  
Right now though, it is tough. I'm putting out the most raw, honest, scary feelings that I have, and 38 people looked at it today. And a few from where I live, and where family lives. I don't know most of these people, and I'm sharing a lot with them. And then there are people who I DO know, or at least they know who I am, and they are silently reading.



I'm not sure if I can keep this, which sucks, because it really helps me work out my feelings.


*I do realize that all of this is part of blogging. Obviously, if you put things out there on the internet, people will find it. But that is part of my dilemma.

**EDIT**
Ok, so I have calmed down a bit since I wrote this. I thought about taking it down, but then I got pissed that I would have to censor myself, so I'm keeping it on here.

As of now, I'm keeping my blog, but I'm not going to be as completely open with everything. Maybe I will start a different blog for that, or do it on a different website. I definitely like being about to put my feelings out there, and it helps me feel better. I just might have to do it more anonymously.

Unspoken feelings.

I need to let out a lot of stuff. No one can understand how this feels unless they have gone through it, and even then it is different for everyone.

I'm really starting to get angry at people. There isn't a reason for my anger, I know that. The people I'm getting angry at didn't do anything wrong.

But it makes me so mad to see people continuing on in their lives. It is amazing to me how many people have decided to get married or found out that they are having a baby (or ANOTHER baby) since Steve died. I know that they aren't connected to it in any way, but it still hurts.

My entire future was taken from me. I have no idea what my life will be now. So many things were decided already, and all of that is gone. I was SO ready to be a military wife for the next 20+ years. That's gone. Steve won't be going to Korea, and I won't be moving, because he isn't getting stationed somewhere else. I won't live on a base, I won't be part of the Air Force life.

Am I still a wife? I'll always be Steve's wife, but at what point am I supposed to stop identifying myself as married? I don't feel any less married. My husband just isn't alive.

It hurts so bad that I will never have Steve's kids. I wanted that more than anything else.


My future was taken from me, so abruptly, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that everyone else gets to go on with their lives. Even other people who were close to him. Yes, they will grieve him, and it will hurt like hell, but I'm the only one whose life revolved around him and what he was doing.