Perfect

This was the most perfect day of my entire life. I'm so thankful.

Dr. LJ

So, I've had a Livejournal account since early high school. I never post in it, but I'm on it all the time reading communities. For those of you not familiar with LJ, these are basically different forums with certain interests or topics or whatever that you can join. I follow a few that are related to feminine-health things, and they are starting to really annoy me.


So here is some wisdom for the day. If you think you are pregnant, take a pregnancy test. If you haven't even missed your period yet, wait until your period. Maybe start worrying/getting anxious after you miss your period. Hell, even go to the doctor.

Posting on the internet asking a bunch of people if they think you are pregnant is stupid. They don't know. There are plenty of "pregnancy" symptoms that could be a bunch of different things. If  it is too early for a pregnancy test, the magical internet won't tell you either.


Oh, and if you are on BC, but missed a pill, AND used a condom, AND took Plan B, AND he pulled out, stop freaking out. Seriously.

Blegh.

So today I went down to the base to get my ID and all that paperwork set up. Steve was only alive 5 days after we were married. He went back up to his base on Saturday, and died on Monday. He would have done everything on Monday, but the base was mostly closed down because of the snow. SO, I got to do it all today.

It was actually really nice to be on a base. It felt like home. It's where I should be. I got to show my dad the BX and commisary, which aren't impressive, but their part of the whole military culture. It was nice to show something that was meant to be part of my life.

I think the most important thing I need to share, is that the lady we've been working with through the casualty assistance office is AWESOME.

Blogger Crisis.

I've having some doubts about my blog. There are a lot of things I LOVE about blogging. The main one is the mil-spouse community. It's nice having people who can relate to your problems.

The part that bugs me is that anyone can read it. Maybe I'll change it to being more private. I have that Google thing, where you can see how many people look at your blog on a daily basis. At first, it is pretty cool seeing how many people are reading what you talk about.
  
Right now though, it is tough. I'm putting out the most raw, honest, scary feelings that I have, and 38 people looked at it today. And a few from where I live, and where family lives. I don't know most of these people, and I'm sharing a lot with them. And then there are people who I DO know, or at least they know who I am, and they are silently reading.



I'm not sure if I can keep this, which sucks, because it really helps me work out my feelings.


*I do realize that all of this is part of blogging. Obviously, if you put things out there on the internet, people will find it. But that is part of my dilemma.

**EDIT**
Ok, so I have calmed down a bit since I wrote this. I thought about taking it down, but then I got pissed that I would have to censor myself, so I'm keeping it on here.

As of now, I'm keeping my blog, but I'm not going to be as completely open with everything. Maybe I will start a different blog for that, or do it on a different website. I definitely like being about to put my feelings out there, and it helps me feel better. I just might have to do it more anonymously.

Unspoken feelings.

I need to let out a lot of stuff. No one can understand how this feels unless they have gone through it, and even then it is different for everyone.

I'm really starting to get angry at people. There isn't a reason for my anger, I know that. The people I'm getting angry at didn't do anything wrong.

But it makes me so mad to see people continuing on in their lives. It is amazing to me how many people have decided to get married or found out that they are having a baby (or ANOTHER baby) since Steve died. I know that they aren't connected to it in any way, but it still hurts.

My entire future was taken from me. I have no idea what my life will be now. So many things were decided already, and all of that is gone. I was SO ready to be a military wife for the next 20+ years. That's gone. Steve won't be going to Korea, and I won't be moving, because he isn't getting stationed somewhere else. I won't live on a base, I won't be part of the Air Force life.

Am I still a wife? I'll always be Steve's wife, but at what point am I supposed to stop identifying myself as married? I don't feel any less married. My husband just isn't alive.

It hurts so bad that I will never have Steve's kids. I wanted that more than anything else.


My future was taken from me, so abruptly, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that everyone else gets to go on with their lives. Even other people who were close to him. Yes, they will grieve him, and it will hurt like hell, but I'm the only one whose life revolved around him and what he was doing.

I need to pretend to be normal.

I feel like all of my posts from now on should have this giant blinking glittery disclaimer saying ~*`MY HUSBAND IS DEAD`*~ or something. Maybe someone will make one. Ok, I guess that isn't really funny, but hey, whatever gets me through it.

So in this post, I'm going to pretend to be normal. Well, normal for me. I'm going to write about the last time I saw Steve. I won't be doing things in order, I would usually write about him coming home first, and what we did, and how much it sucked that I worked, and then our wedding, and all of that. But now I get to pull the grieving widow card and do whatever the hell I want.

Another disclaimer: the bluntness, and finding humor in not funny things is really the only thing that is helping, so don't think I'm insensitive.



Ok here goes. Steve left to fly back to Minot on Dec 18th. We just bought a car on Thursday, and I was still learning to drive a manual, so we asked his dad to take us to the airport. I was pissed off at the time, but now I'm thankful for that. We had a nice morning, and went and said goodbye to everyone. After a bit of a cuddle fest at home, his dad came and we left. Steve brought a bunch of candy and about 5 Arizona iced teas. I don't know why he needed that many, since he only drank one.

We got to Phoenix pretty early, so we went to Chipotle, which none of us had been to. I took a ton of pictures with Steve, just goofing around with my phone's settings. I even got a rad night vision version of him. :P

Once we got to the airport, we hung around by the security gate for a bit. I started crying a little bit and he teased me for it. He said, "It's ok, it's only a month until I'll see you again." He is the best at making things ok. He said goodbye to his dad and stem-mom, and they waited for me by the exit. We kissed, we hugged, said our I love you's and goodbyes, and he walked off to the security. As I was leaving he called me name and said he forgot something. He came back over to me and kissed me again and said he loved me.

It was the perfect goodbye.


And now the normal is over and I'm so sick of being around people. They bitch and complain about the stupidest things. If my brother complains about not being taken to his friends house again, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be awake.

Numb.

I have been numb up until now. I'm starting to feel things. It's starting to feel real. I am so scared.