Numb.

I have been numb up until now. I'm starting to feel things. It's starting to feel real. I am so scared.

Torn Apart.

I am heart broken. I feel like I have lost him twice. This whole thing is a shitstorm.


Before Steve and I were married, Steve had assigned his brother as his beneficiary/PAD. As we weren't married long, and it isn't something you typically think about, Steve never changed it. After we heard about his death, Scott signed his PAD rights over to me, giving me the ability to make choices about the funeral. I can't explain the way it feels to be able to honor a persons life.

Due to disagreements on how/where Steve would be laid to rest, his family talked Scott into removing those rights from me. I can't believe that is even something he could reverse.

No one told me. I got a call from the base in Minot informing me. No one had the balls to step up and tell me that they took my husband away from me. I have no say. His brother says that he will try to compromise between what everyone wants, but I'm not going to hold on to that.

I asked them if they really thought that Steve would have wanted that. I said that I'm the person that Steve chose to spend the rest of his life with. His dad said "No, he didn't, you were only married five days." I am so glad that Steve is not aware of what is happening. I am so thankful that he didn't hear those hurtful words. Yes, his parents and brother got 19 years with him. I wish I had that.

The thing that is holding me together is that I know without a doubt that Steve loved me more than anything in the world. I know what he would have wanted, and I will hold onto that. I will honor him in my own way, and they don't have to be part of it.


I shared an amazing love with an amazing man, and no one can take that from me. That is what gets me through the day.

Speechless.

I have no words to describe my feelings. Right now, all I can handle sharing is that what happened was an accident. It was a tragic accident that will affect so many people. Please keep me, my family, Steve's family, and all of his friends in your thoughts and prayers.


All I can think is that I am so grateful for the last week I had with Steve. I will definitely want to share that, but I'm just waiting for the storm to calm right now.

Air Force wife for life.

I don't have words right now. I married the love of my life, the perfect man, my soul mate December 15. It was the greatest day of my life. I said goodbye for a month at the airport on December 18.

Later Friday night, Steve was involved in an accident at the firing range and we lost him during surgery.


I don't know what to say or when I will have the strength to say more, but please keep me, my family, and Steve's family in your prayers. I really need it.

Blue shoes.

Ok, so for some reason I constantly feel awkward talking about "The Wedding", so I figured I would start out in a language I'm comfortable with- shoes. I love shoes. I want those shoes. Although how I've pictured my wedding has changed about a million times, I've always known I wanted some BAMF shoes. Bright, bold, and tall. Ok, I feel better.

Steve and I decided a few months ago that we wanted to get married when he comes home. I wanted to post about it so many times, but we took some time telling all of our family. It is going to be teeny, it is going to be 100% us, and it is going to be fun. There really isn't much traditional to the way we are doing things, which has given me weird looks from people I've told, but I know my fellow military girls will understand. People don't get why we are doing it on such short notice. People don't get why we didn't have some magical proposal. People don't get why I don't want some big extravagant thing with 200 people.

Breather. Here's another shoe.

So the rebellious part of me would love to wear shoes like those. Partly because I think they are awesome (ok, and partly trashy), and partly because I know it would give about half the people who come heart attacks. The metaphorical kind of course.

I honestly don't have a lot of details to share. Everything is just an idea right now because we can't set anything for sure until Steve buys his ticket to come home. Which he will be doing on Monday. Which I cannot believe.

Just Sayin' Part Two

No one guessed, but oh well.

Steve and I are getting married! In like.... a month. Yep.


Not really in a writing mood though, so I'll just leave it at that.

Wordless Wednesday.

Just sayin...