I can't hold back anymore.

You know what? I have this blog so I can remember what went on in my life. I have this blog to talk about my thoughts. I have this blog because it's a way for me to be heard, but not by people I know.

That's one of the benefits of the internet. I can say whatever I want, and it won't effect my home life, because no one here reads this. I'm sick of showing only the good side.

Right now? My relationship sucks. It's terrible. I'm afraid. The military can kiss my butt. Oh... maybe that last part is a bit much. Still...

I hardly get to talk to Steve. He's having some sort of early-life breakdown. He hates where he's stationed. He hates being away from his family. He hates not getting to see his friends. He hates being away from me. He tells me that he barely feels like we're in a relationship. Do you know how much that kills me? I hate it.

It's sort of pathetic. Because I love him so much, I have  hard time caring about me right now. I just want to fix things for him. I want him to be happy. I feel like I'm more capable of dealing with this. For so long, it was the other way around. It's getting to him though. He's the kind of guy that hides it though. He had to get a new cell phone, and he only gave me the new number. Not his mom, not his brother, no one.  I think he feels like if he hides from the people who really know him, who love him, then he doesn't have to deal with how much this sucks. In a perfect world, I would be living up there with him. That was the original plan. Now, I have to wait until I finish school. Add to that that we're broke. Then he leaves for awhile in May.

I just hate that I can't fix things for him. I just want to make him happy. Him being happy makes me happy.



But on the other hand, that pisses me off. Why can't I pull my shit together and put my feelings first? Even when I'm feeling horrible emotionally, I call Steve. I talk to him. He just ignores me. Maybe the reason I don't talk about all of this is that I'm afraid people will tell me to give up. I can't do that though. That is not the solution.