Can't Brain.

I can't really get my thoughts together enough to really write anything, so I'll just do a brief update.

I got a dog. His name is Frank. I also moved into a house with Mandi and Jake, which has been really cool so far. Steve's cousin Arrick is in the Navy, and his wife Mandi moved back here with their baby while he is out to sea. 

My brain isn't really on enough right now to write, but I feel like I've abandoned my blog. More avoiding my feelings and whatnot.

The last time.

Three days ago was our six month "anniversary of being married. Which only reminded me what is coming on Monday. Today though, has been six months since I saw him, touched him, and kissed him goodbye.

Miss juice bb.

Wedding Recap #1- Dress Shopping

So I think I'm going to finally get around to posting about our wedding! I loved our wedding. It was perfect. It fit us so well, and it was the happiest time of my life. 

Steve and I had been talking about getting married since he went into the Air Force. We were young, and knew it would be best to wait. Sometimes it would cause fights, with one of us (usually me) wanting it and the other (usually him) wanting to wait. So for a long time, we stopped talking about it. I think it was in July, and I asked him if he'd "thought about the m word". I can remember it clearly. I was sitting on the back of the couch  and straightening my mom's hair, while texting Steve. I was REALLY surprised when he sent me a text saying, "I think we should do it when I get home from Korea." I was floored. I actually said I had to think about it! I only had to think about it for a day or two, but I had ignored it for so long!

I guess that might not make sense to everyone. The thing is, we always knew we were going to get married. We just didn't know when. So, there wasn't any proposal or engagement ring, we just decided together over the phone, from opposite sides of the world. Very us, I guess.

The next step was telling our families. It was stressful, and I think all four parents suggested waiting. They didn't understand why we would get married right before he went to Korea. Then, it was that it would be easier for my family from Montana to come if we waiting until January. Eventually, I think they understood that we do things our way. I am SO glad that we were sure about what we wanted. I don't know what I would do if we hadn't been able to get married before Steve died. Being able to call myself his wife gives me something to hold onto.

I planned the whole thing, Steve told me to do whatever I wanted. Honestly though, there wasn't much to plan. I think we had the whole thing figure out in about a month. We had a courthouse wedding, but still wanted to get dressed up, have family, and a bunch of the little wedding touches.

First thing, getting a dress. The dress I ended up with was nothing like I thought I would have gotten, but I love it so much. I tried on a bunch of styles, but I'm really glad I found the one I wore. It also fit the style Steve said he liked. Bonus!

 Went shopping with my sister and my mom. Bri brought her camera to document.

 This was my go to pose for some reason... even though it gave me man shoulders.

I tried on a few veils, just to see how it looked.

My sister got distracted by the ugly ass something dresses. Prom? Quinceanera?

I made boutonnieres for all of the guys (this one wasn't finished yet).

Almost went with this one, but wasn't a huge fan of the train or how sparkly it was. 

Here it is! Pre-hemming, of course, since I'm mini.

I also made bouquets, one for me and one for Bri. 

 AND HERE ARE MY EFFING AWESOME SHOES

Balloon bouquet and veil!

Here's my bouquet, better pictures in the wedding shots. 

And the ring. Steve picked out both of them (the one's on my middle finger, the green one was a Christmas present from Steve a few years ago) while he was in Guam. I actually didn't see mine until two days before the wedding.

Breakthrough

I joined a website for widow/ers at about a month out, and a lot of times I can use it as a sounding board for my feelings. It makes me realize how "normal" my feelings are. It is a pretty well known thing there that you are NUMB for awhile after the loss of your spouse. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it here before. Obviously you miss your spouse and you are incredibly sad, but your brain doesn't GET IT.

I keep thinking that I'm out of that fog, and then I regress. I hate the fog. It sounds like it would be nice to not feel things as intensely, but it is hell for me. I can't understand my feelings, I can't understand my life, I can't understand my thoughts. Well, I can't really ever understand any of that lately, but it's different. It's so hard to explain.

I've realized in the past month or so, that I've been changing. My grief seems to focus on one thing for awhile, and then I get used to focusing on that thing. Then, I fall back into numbness, have a few breakdowns, and come out with a new grief focus. For example, I would be heartbroken over losing my best friend for about a week, and then my brain will shut down for a few days, and then I'll be SO sad for Steve for not getting a full life, and that will be the main thing I'll be sad about for awhile. It is almost like my mind can't handle being sad about more than one thing at a time.

I feel like I have regressed hard. I think it started right before Steve's birthday (this last Sunday) and Memorial day (this last Monday). I felt an emptiness. I couldn't understand what happened. Logically, I knew Steve was gone, but the emotional side of my brain felt like he was just gone to Guam or something. We spent to much time apart it was kind of a normal thing. I think it might make grieving harder for me in the long run. I've been hiding from my feelings. I've been busy the past few days, and so I've been focusing my mind on that as much as I can.** Getting out of "the fog" is sort of like riding a bike up a hill. You have to work to get to the peak, and once you're to the other side, you fly to the bottom. I keep trying to push myself out of the numbness, because it feels so wrong. I don't want to feel so disconnected from Steve. It confuses me and I don't like it.

Well, I've had a breakthrough tonight, and I'm back to my grieving. I think I might be in a "grieving the future we lost" phase. Doesn't help that I'm looking for a place to move. I don't know.



**It is amazing how much my mind is able to multi-task. It doesn't matter how busy I am, or what I am doing, I'm thinking about Steve every waking minute.

Happy birthday sweetie.

Happy birthday sweets! I love you.

Sharing

A few months ago (ok, I'll admit it, it was at least 3 or 4 months ago), Kammi at Misadventures of an Alternative Navy Spouse started doing guests posts on her her blog about different life experiences of mil-spouses. I emailed her saying that I was interested in writing a guest post, because I don't think many people hear much about the experience of being a widow. About once or twice a week since then, I have tried to sit down and write something, but I couldn't form the words to explain my feelings. Each time I tried to write it I focused on something different. Finally, last night, I realized that I don't have to explain what happens. I don't have to give a play by play of what you go through (even just on the military side of it). I just wanted to show a piece of myself.

I think the problem I had every time i tried to write it, was that I felt like I needed to give the back story every time. I needed to talk about how Steve and I started dating, and our experience with the military. I needed to talk about his death, and the things that happened after. Honestly though, sometimes those things don't matter to the story. Obviously they are a huge part of my life and who I am, but it doesn't matter how long we were together, or when he was stationed where, or how he died. The story I was trying to tell was about the pain I feel.

This was as close as I could get to showing how I feel the large majority of the time. When I'm sad, those are the things I think about. When I'm having a decent day, those are the things I think about. When I'm angry, those are the things I think about.

You can see my post here, and check out the rest of Kammi's blog. I've been reading her blog since before she was pregnant with her adorable daughter, and I think she is an amazing woman, mil-spouse, and mom.

Time does not bring relief.

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied 
Who told me time would ease me of my pain! 
I miss him in the weeping of the rain; 
I want him at the shrinking of the tide; 
The old snows melt from every mountain-side, 
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane; 
But last year's bitter loving must remain 
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide. 
There are a hundred places where I fear 
To go - so with his memory they brim. 
And entering with relief some quiet place 
Where never fell his foot or shone his face 
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!' 
And so stand stricken, so remembering him. 


Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)






I'm basically posting this because I can't keep my thoughts together enough for a coherent post.