Active duty or retired?

Today I went to a doctor's office here that I hadn't been to before, so they got all of my medical history and insurance information. Well, since I have Tricare, I just gave them my military ID. The receptionist made a copy and then we had the following conversation-

Receptionist- Ok, is it active duty or retired?

Me- Uh.... what? Oh, for the Tricare?

Receptionist- Yeah, active duty or retired?

Me- *big fat pause* Uh..... neither? I don't know, I'm pretty sure I have Standard

Receptionist- *big fat pause* OH, I'm sorry.

At first I didn't think she *got* it, but then I realized she did. Oh well, I'm used to people finding out.

Then when I went back into the room, the nurse took all of the same medical history I filled out when I got there. She asked my marital status, and after yet another big fat pause, I told her widowed. I'm still not used to that yet. Yes, I am well aware that I'm a widow, but I feel married. I feel like my marital status IS married. So, here is where we have ANOTHER big... fat... pause. "How OLD are you?!" I told her, 21, and she immediately asked if he was in the military. Yup. Then she went on to tell me about her paratrooper brother and all of his deployments. I didn't even clarify that Steve died stateside, by a stupid accident. Honestly, I hate that it matters to people how old I am and how he died.

Days like this make me wonder if the nurses wait until I've left the office before they talk about the poor 21 year old whose husband died, or if that's what I could hear them whispering about outside the door.

Hiding

Yeah, I"ve been hiding from my blog again. Here is what I have been up to in the last month...

Swimming with Mandi and Jake

Going on walks with Mandi and Jake

Take Frank on those walks, and him only making in halfway before needing to be carried

Frank at the 4th of July parade, where I had to eventually carry him because a) he wouldn't walk any further and b) people wouldn't stop petting him as I walked by

Mandi's husband came home before his deployment, so he went to the parade with us (my brother is in the background making that very attractive face)

Mandi, her hubs, Jake, and Eli

Frank took over my bed, he now tends to sleep in the very middle

Sabs came to visit! Sabs is my bestie, and has helped me get through the last 7 1/2 months. He was Steve's best friend, they met through the Air Force. He came to visit me on his way back to ND from seeing his family.

I've started decorating my room finally, now that I can afford it. Here is my new bed (that I put together, ugh), and the wall decorations I made with scrap booking things. The "C", by the way, is for my last name, not Caitlin. In the frame to the left is our wedding date, and in the from to the right is a 3D flower I made from card stock.

Music Monday #1

Just a song.

These fleeting charms of earth
Farewell, your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
A brighter world on high

I'm a long time travelling here below
I'm a long time travelling away from home
I'm a long time travelling here below
To lay this body down

Farewell kind friends whose tender care
Has long engaged my love
Your fond embrace I now exchange
For better friends above

I'm a long time travelling here below
I'm a long time travelling away from home
I'm a long time travelling here below
To lay this body down... 

Angry.

This could potentially be a really long post, but I'm tired and my brain is wandering, so I'll shorten it up.

I'm angry for Steve for so many reasons. Reread that if you need to. For Steve, not at Steve.

I think that the thing I'm angry about the most isn't what people expect. I'm so angry at how he died. Steve told me once that he would have been ok going to fight for the military, and dying from the war. Steve was all about America, and the perfect kind of guy to be in the military. That was the only thing he ever said to me about dying. If someone like Steve has to die, if someone so young has to die, it should be what they feel is a good cause, or whatever.

A life like that shouldn't be taken because of an accident. If I had to lose my 19 year old husband, it should have made more sense. It shouldn't have been a dumb freaking accident.

*Edit*

I would just like to add, in case it isn't obvious, that I don't think a person dying in the war makes their death ok. It is still a horrible horrible thing. I'm just saying in Steve's life, it would have been more acceptable to him. He would be SO mad if he were here to see what happened.

Can't Brain.

I can't really get my thoughts together enough to really write anything, so I'll just do a brief update.

I got a dog. His name is Frank. I also moved into a house with Mandi and Jake, which has been really cool so far. Steve's cousin Arrick is in the Navy, and his wife Mandi moved back here with their baby while he is out to sea. 

My brain isn't really on enough right now to write, but I feel like I've abandoned my blog. More avoiding my feelings and whatnot.

The last time.

Three days ago was our six month "anniversary of being married. Which only reminded me what is coming on Monday. Today though, has been six months since I saw him, touched him, and kissed him goodbye.

Miss juice bb.